Jun 10
14
Fresh Juice Day 6
Just as I thought all my readers were nestled in their beds with visions of broadband dancing in their heads, one piped up, “Ooh, ooh, Mr. Goldenberg, “tell us another story, please. Like the one about how you planned to kidnap David Sisselman. By the way, who is David Sisselman anyway?”
“Well, I can’t really tell you who he is.” I said, “without revealing why I planned to kidnap him. I’m going to save that for another day.”
“Good,” said another reader. “Cause I wanna hear about you, Pee-wee Herman and the West Coast chimps.”
“Actually, they were east coast chimps,” I corrected. “I thought I’d save that for when Pee-wee will be on Broadway this October.”
“Nah,” said a third reader, I just wanna see a magic trick. Like the one where you put your hand behind my ear and pulled out a quarter.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell that reader that it wasn’t really magic. I had placed the quarter there last November.
“How about if I tell you the story of the last Russian Beauty Queen?” I asked.
“OK,” said the first reader excitedly, “but it better involve Donald Trump and David Letterman.”
“It does,” I explained.
“And I want it to include Bill Cosby an’ that dude from the Today Show,” another reader suggested. “Not the fat one who’s skinny, but the other guy,” he added.
“Well, actually, I do have story that involves all of them, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Bill Cosby and that dude from the Today Show, Matt Lauer. In fact, it even involves the deceased Russian President, Boris Yeltsin.”
*Awesome,” chimed in a fifth reader, “I love stories about deceased Russian Presidents. They’re my favorite. Especially stories about Boris Yeltsin.”
“But is it a true story, Mr. Goldenberg,” that same reader asked. “Is it true? Is it one that really happened?”
“Yes, it is,” I said, winking at little Alberto Gonzalez, “to the best of my recollection.”
Maria Kezha, the last Miss USSR
“And so, my story of the last Russian beauty queen begins.” (“Damn, that took a long time,” said one of my readers to himself, but loud enough to be overheard. “This story better not have a sucky ending!”)
“It was 1990, twenty years ago, and back then there was no email, no Twitter, and no Facebook.”
All of my younger readers greeted this with fear and skepticism. They were uneasy about the thought of a world without microblogging and social networks.
“Hey, I thought this was going to be a true story,” complained one of my younger readers.
“It is a true story,” I answered.
“Yeah? No Twitter? No Facebook? No email? Well then, how did you communicate?”
“We used to talk to each other,” I replied. “In person.”
“Bizarre,” said one of my teenage readers, scrunching up his face in horror.
“Disgusting,” chimed in another.
“I’d still like to see that hidden quarter trick,” said a third reader.
Anyway I was reading a maga.. I mean, I was reading an email about a company called Global American TV. This company had placed the first American ads on Russian TV.
“Russia,” I explained, “was also called the Soviet Union. And is was also called the USSR. The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.”
“I think I’m the Mayor of the USSR.,” said one of my twenty something readers. “I go there a lot on Foursquare. It right next to my laundry.”
Well, getting back to my story, I knew I wanted to do something with Global American TV and the Soviet Union, but I wasn’t sure what.
Then I read another newspaper article, I mean a blog, about a strange beauty pageant held in the Soviet Union. The Miss U.S.S.R Beauty Pageant.
The Miss U.S.S.R. Beauty Pageant
Unlike the Miss America Pageant that was televised for three hours, the Soviet Union’s Beauty Pageant lasted for three full days. It full of pomp and circumstance and beautiful women from all over the Soviet Union.
Publicity photo of 17 year-old Maria Kezha, entrant in the Miss USSR Beauty Pageant
The beautiful women aspect of the pageant intrigued me. (The pomp and the circumstance, not so much.)
So I contacted Global American TV and pitched them the idea of televising the next Miss USSR Beauty Pageant in 1991 in the United States. I suggested that Billy Joel or Billy Crystal would be great hosts.
“They both have toured the Soviet Union,” I explained. “And they’re both named Billy.”
One of the partners at Global American TV, David Nussbaum, championed the idea and I was off and running, trying to set up a telecast of the 1991 Miss USSR Beauty Pageant in America.
Or course, then Boris Yeltsin, President of Russia, practically ruined everything. He started promoting freedom and glasnost (a Russian word for “glasnost”). He had to have his way. And pretty soon, the entire Iron Curtain came tumbling down.
“That must have hurt,” said one of my readers, imagining frenzied Russians trapped in the rubble.
“Not really,” I explained. “It was relatively peaceful. But The Soviet Union was divided up into smaller states, until basically there was no Soviet Union at all, just little corrupt states, modeled loosely on United States, but with many more Communists.
“What were some of the names of the states?” one of my readers wanted to know.
“Well, if I remember correctly, there was DesiandLucystan, Ubetyourlifestan and Totellthetruthestan.”
I wasn’t sure I got the names exactly right. But I remember they all ended in “stan.”
“So if they no longer had a Soviet Union, how could they have a beauty pageant?”
“That’s just it.,” I said. “They couldn’t. I lost my client, the Soviet Union. And there was never another Miss USSR Beauty Pageant. Ever!”
The end.
“Aw, man , that was a sucky story,” said one of my readers who was very disappointed. “What about the part about David Letterman, Donald Trump, and Bill Cosby?”
“Yeah,” Mr. Goldenberg, “And where in the World was Matt Lauer?” asked another reader.
“I agree with them,” said a third reader, “ it was a sucky story, but I do admire the way you punctuated quotes throughout this story. Did you ever think of being a punctualtist?”
“All right, all right,” I said. “There really is more to the story. Would you like to hear how I invited beautiful Maria Kezha, the last Miss U.S.S.R., to stay at my house the first night she was in America? And how I traveled with her and the runner-up, Lauma Zemzare, all up and down the east coast?
“Will you be telling us the part about how you got Maria on MTV commercials and the David Letterman Show?”
“I will.” I explained.
“And will the story also involve Matt Lauer and Bill Cosby?
“Yes, of course,” I assured them.
“And will you tell us now?”
“Well, No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Do you know why?
“Why,” all my readers asked in unison.
Because this blog is called 10 Minutes of Brilliance. And you’ve already had your ten minutes today!
“Yeah,” chimed in one dubious reader. “If that.”
Tune back in Wednesday for the exciting conclusion of How I Introduced David Letterman, Donald Trump, Bill Cosby and Matt Lauer to the Soviet Union’s last beauty queen.
Until then, remember Una ensalada por favor. Sostenga vestir ruso. (One salad please. Hold the Russian dressing!)
Renowned writer Jack Goldenberg is a prolific copywriter, creative marketing consultant and professional blogger of 10minutesofbrilliance.com
Hope you are well and we may have a chance to meet, may be in Paris, were I live since 1993, may be in US, I come sometimes for business….
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