May 11
25
Just when you thought you knew the Supreme Being, God surprised just about everyone on Earth last Saturday when He cancelled the End the World as we know it and instead held a Bikini Contest.
Does God like bikini contests? You betcha' . He's quite the ladies man. His favorite bar pick-up line, "Hey, I'm omnipotent!."
What are the odds of that happening, huh? Actually the odds are about 37-1. They’d be a lot higher, say maybe infinity-1, but God really likes bikini contests.
I’m not sure why, but then who am I to question a Higher Authority. I tried that once with THE BOSS, aka THE WARDEN, and look where it got me.
I do give God credit for having a great sense of humor. He was the original one-liner on the Ten Commandments. I don’t mean to knock the Supreme Cosmic Comic, but the original Top 10 List was a little dry until he got to the part about “coveting thy neighbor’s ass.” Then it seemed to pick up steam.
It’s not that surprising the God enjoys a good cosmic laugh every now and then because the whole “one God” concept was was created by the early Jews who also introduced the world to schtick, chocolate egg creams, Comedy Central and the word tchotchke, which is both a funny word and has a funny spelling.
Creative copywriter finds humor in many word meanings.
Sometimes, as a creative Copywriter I think the entire English language is one of God’s jokes because it doesn’t follow any discernible pattern. You’d probably get in trouble if you were caught resting is a RESTROOM. And what do we call the one room in your house you’re not allowed to use (unless you wife is out of town and you clean up the DNA)? Why, that’s the LIVING ROOM.
You drive on a PARKWAY and park on a DRIVEWAY. You SHIP by truck and send CARGO by ship.
Is it against the law to make a chocolate egg cream with Fox's? You Bet!
There’s no egg in an EGG CREAM, no ham in HAMBURGERS, and PINEAPPLES don’t contain pine or apples. Or even 3.14159 (That’s Pi.)
ENGLISH MUFFINS weren’t invented in England and FRENCH FRIES aren’t from France.
QUICKSAND w o r k s v e r y s l o w l y and if you think lightning bolts are fast, imagine how much faster they’d be without all those squiggly, jagged lines.
How come all WHIPPER SNAPPERS are young and CODGERS are old? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do HUMANITARIANS eat?
STAN: Humans.
HARRIETT: Stan, you’re not supposed to answer.
STAN: But I was right, right?
Popeye loves spinach and Olive Oyl
Similarly, if OLIVE OIL comes from olives, where does BABY OIL come from?
Stan’s eyes dart over to Harriett. He opens his mouth as if to speak, but decides against it and holds his tongue.
HARRIETT: Stan, what the Hell are you doing now?
STAN: Ah oh-e mah towng.
HARRIETT: You’re holding your tongue? Why?
STAN: Af wha de screff seh te do.Stan stops holding his tongue and answers Harriett.
STAN: That’s what the script said to do.
HARRIETT: What gives, Stan? All of sudden you’re listening to Jack? You spend one year on his blog interrupting him every chance you get. You’ve called him an idiot and worse. You even made fun of his ADHD. And now all of a sudden, you respect his wishes?
STAN: I’m very proud to be part of this,uh, uh, uh, charming and uh, uh, respectable blog.
HARRIET: Now, I know you’re nuts! Just a few blogs ago you had me convinced you and I were real and Jack was a figment of our imagination. Stan, I think I’ve got it. You’re scared of Jack, right? But why would you be afraid of him? He wouldn’t harm a Republican.
STAN: Well, of course I’m scared. If he starts putting out a video blog, we’re goners. Shhh. Here he comes.
You think it's easy finding a cool odds 'n ends photo on Google Images?
Where was I? Oh, yeah. If you have a drawer full of ODDS AND ENDS and you get rid of all but one of them, what do you have left? If your nose RUNS and your feel SMELL, you may be upside down. Alarms go OFF by going on, and when a house BURNS UP, it’s burning down.
Here’s one I’ve never been able to figure out. Why does McDonald’s have a Braille menu in their drive thru?
GEORGE: And why do they charge so much for Filet of Fish?
HARRIETT: That’s not exactly the same kind of question Jack’s been asking.
STAN: I don’t care. I want to know.
Why does sour cream have a “use by” date? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
STAN: Didn’t he just say that a few sentences ago?
A BUS STATION is where a bus stops. A TRAIN STATION is where a train stops. What happens at a WORK STATION? Exactly!
If QUITTERS NEVER WIN and WINNERS NEVER QUIT, what fool came up with “QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD?
STAN: I’ve changed my mind, Harriett. Goldenberg just doesn’t seem to let up. He goes on and on and on.
HARRIETT: You’re just finding that out?
STAN: Look, Harriett, we don’t need Goldenberg. This blog could run just fine without him.
HARRIETT: And who would put out the supposedly brilliant thoughts. The 10 Minutes of Brilliance.
STAN: I would. I’ve watched Goldenberg in action. It’snot that difficult. I could handle this blog just fine.
HARRIETT: I’d like to see you try.
STAN: Game on. You know, Harriett, I was thinking…
HARRIETT: Not to me, Stan. Address the Readers.
STAN: Hey readers…
HARRIETT: Use a Capital “R” It makes the Readers feel respected.
STAN: OK, sorry. Hey Readers, what is UP with the word UP, anyway? UP really means towards the sky, but we also wake UP. At a meeting we speak UP if we want to bring UP a topic. We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, and polish UP our nails.HARRIETT: Good use of the word UP, but I’m not holding back any big laughs.
STAN: After we warm UP some leftovers, we eat, then clean UP the kitchen. Then we lock UP the house. We can open UP a store in the morning and close it UP at night. UP is a very powerful word with many meanings. If you stayed UP all night, and looked Up UP in the dictionary, it would take UP a lot of your time and you’d wind UP with hundreds of uses.
HARRIETT: Nah, you’re just not as funny or as interesting as Jack. Sorry to say it, Stan, but you might want to consider shutting UP.
STAN: Are you UP for one more UP reference.
HARRIETT: SURE.
STAN:What’s the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night.
HARRIETT: I give UP.
STAN: That’s close! U. P. Get it.
HARRIETT: STAN that’s like a third grade joke.
STAN: Hey, don’t blame me. Goldenberg keeps all the best lines for himself.
HARRIETT: Say good night, Stan.
STAN: Goodnight, Stan. And goodnight to you, too, Harriett.Jack Goldenberg puts his own unique spin on marketing, advertising, social media campaigns, and web site content. Whether you’re an advertising agency, a client company or an individual, Jack can help you stand out and get noticed.
If you’re interested in increasing the effectiveness of your advertising or social media marketing campaign, contact Jack Goldenberg, or call 973-590-7343. Einstein and da Vinci are standing by to take your call.
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