(NOTE: I did not write today’s blog. It is from a July 4, 2011 New York Times article written by Teddy Wayne and Mike Sacks. My apologies to the designer Thomas Ng who created the icons that appear in the NY Times, July 4th, 2011 edition. I was not able to use his icons, so I added my own pictures.)
(ANOTHER NOTE: My apologies to my younger Readers who won’t get all the jokes because they have almost no conception of history. They think WW1 was fought in the 1950s and are pretty sure the iPad has been around since Colonial times. )
(STILL YET ANOTHER NOTE: My apologies to my Baby Boomer Readers who won’t get all the Facebook references.)
America, Love It or Unfriend It
What if Mark Zuckerberg stole the idea for Facebook, I mean, invented Facebook in 1492. If he did, our history, recorded on Facebook, would have been something like this:
Columbus “discovers” America, much to the surprise of native Americans who didn’t know they were lost
1492:
AMERICA and Indigenous Peoples are now friends.
Christopher Columbus wrote on America’s wall: “This IS India, right?”
America has joined the New World network.
America is no longer friends with Indigenous Peoples.
The Pilgrims wrote on America’s wall: “Thanks for the add!”
America added tobacco, fur and hardship to Interests.
America invited Boston to an event: “Party THURSDAY! B.Y.O.T!”
America added Great Britain to Kingdoms I Am Fighting With.
America has joined the United States of America network.
Ben Franklin, America’s first polymath (Look it up. Declare your Independence!). He was an inventor, author, publisher, scientist, printer, political theorist, diplomat, satirist, postmaster, fireman, statesman, civic activist and kite flyer.
Ben Franklin tagged America in a note: “Here’s hoping that people in the future refer to this new document whenever they want to justify anything!”
Eli Whitney invented a cotton gin for America’s Plantationville.
Plantation owners like this.
African-Americans dislike this.
America added Louisiana to Territories I Have Purchased.
America added “The Star-Spangled Banner” to Favorite Music.
America sent American Indians a gift: “Oklahoma!” (original cast recording).
America listed gold to the Marketplace.
The South has left the United States of America network.
Abraham Lincoln posted on the South’s wall: “Can’t we all just get along?”
John Wilkes Booth is Maybe Attending “‘Our American Cousin’ at Ford’s Theater”: “Anyone have an extra ticket?!”
The South changed privacy setting to accept carpetbaggers.
America and Josef Goldberg, Colin O’Boylan, Giuseppe Moretti and five million other huddled masses are now friends.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand, his death precipitated WWI
America asked a question: “Who is Archduke Franz Ferdinand, exactly?”
America is feeling depressed.
Soviet Union likes this.
F.D.R. posted a Deal: “New.”
America added dust, grape-picking and quasi-socialism to Interests.
December 7, 1941, Japan attacks Pearl Harbor
Japan tagged America in a photo: “Surprise!”
America was ranked No. 1 by its friends for “Most Superpowerful.”
America added the Korean DMZ to Demarcations I Will Not Cross.
America added babies, Chevys and suburban conformity to Interests.
Soviet Union poked America in Cuba.
America poked Soviet Union in Cuba.
Abraham Zapruder uploaded a video.
African-Americans changed their status with America to “It’s Complicated.”
America drafts soldiers for the Viet Nam War. Well, at least we’ve learned from our mistakes.
America added an event: “Draft Party!”
Half a million lower-income people Attending.
America took a quiz: “What kind of flag burner are you?”
America added turning on, tuning in and dropping out to Interests.
America took another quiz: “What kind of bra burner are you?”
Richard Nixon made a peace emoticon on chat.
America is feeling malaise.
America posted a note “25 Random Things About Me”: “1. Sometimes when I wait in line for gas, I siphon the tank from the car in front of me. 2. When I see the people in my carpool, my mood ring turns purple. 3. I have a hugely inflated sense of self-worth… .”
America added pastels, cocaine and mutually assured destruction to Interests.
How is that Trickle-Down economics working for you, Middle Class?
Ronald Reagan created a page: “People Who Like Trickle-Down Economics.”
Half a million upper-income people like this.
Ronald Reagan wrote graffiti on East Germany’s wall: “Tear this down.”
America Super-Poked! Soviet Union.
America was ranked No. 1 by its friends for “Most Coca-Cola/Levi’s/Michael Jordan/Awesome Cool Hollywood!”
America sent O. J. Simpson a gift: Isotoner gloves.
America sent Monica Lewinsky a gift: A Gap dress.
America took a quiz: “What kind of pirated-MP3-burner are you?”
America received 270 electoral requests from George W. Bush.
50.27 percent of America is no longer friends with Florida.
George W. Bush and five people on the Supreme Court are now friends.
America is no longer friends with Osama bin Laden.
America added Iraq to Countries I Am Fighting With Alongside Poland.
America posted zero W.M.D. to Marketplace.
America received four trillion easy credits.
America added flat-screen TVs, broadband pornography and over-speculation to Interests.
America changed its status with African-Americans to “Everything’s O.K. Now, Right?”
African-Americans changed their status with America to “No, It’s Still Complicated.”
America is feeling recessed.
America wrote on the globe’s wall: “Are you sort of warm, too, or is it just us?”
America posted a link to its Read-for-Free App: “Newspapers, Magazines, Books Dying.”
Donald Trump, becomes the last remaining holdout of the Obama Birth Certificate Controversy
Donald Trump suggested Barack Obama rejoin the Kenya network.
America was ranked No. 1 by its friends for “Most Post-Empire.”
America received no new friend requests.
America has joined the China network.
July 3, 2013
Sarah Palin hears unrest in Egypt and demands, “Tear the pyramids down!”
Thanks for stopping by Readers. My next blog I will be posted on Sunday, July 7 where I will reveal photos of the alien spaceships I saw on my recent trip to Baltimore County.
Happy Fourth of July to all my Brilliant Readers!
This is truly brilliant Jack. Posted to my FB page ; ) happy 4th!