Sure, you’ve got innumerable options to learn how to succeed in your professional life. But is anyone teaching you how to be a spectacular failure? I don’t think so.

Failure has become a lost art. Why, if it weren’t for Congress’ fine example, we might have not even have a role model for abject failure.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. I can teach you how to be a successful failure. If you follow my 10 Rules of Spectacular Failure, I can practically guarantee you’ll end up unsuccessful, disappointed and lonely. And if you never bathe, you’ll smell bad, too.

So, if a lack of success and accomplishment sounds like a good career move to you, read on. Discover how the secrets of showing up late, banal thinking and lack of courage can lead to your utter downfall.

Goldenberg’s 10 Rules of Spectacular Failure
1.   Give up.

It was recently discovered Abe Lincoln was born in a log cabin made entirely of Lincoln Logs

This is the easiest Rule to master. There’s so little to do. Just give up. No matter how easy or hard the challenge, you just need a “That’s it, I quit” attitude. It may help to remember the motto of those who never made it to the top: “When the going gets tough, get the hell out of there fast!”

Abe Lincoln was a successful failure in the early part of his life. In his youth, he went to war as a captain and returned as a private. He failed as a businessman twice and lost eight elections. Eight elections! But he refused to give up. And look where it got him.

2.  Listen to others.

This one’s a little tricky. When others tell you you’ll never succeed, you may hear a voice inside your head that says, “Go on. Give it a shot. What have we got to lose?” Ignore the voice or you’ll end up like Walter Elias Disney, a newspaperman from Chicago.

In his autobiography, Disney revealed the Seven dwarfs were all drug addicts. Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful and Grumpy. Doc was the dealer.

Walt Disney was fired as a newspaper editor because he was told he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” Now he could have thought to himself, “They must be right. What was I thinking? Maybe I am a little Goofy.”

But he refused to believe his ideas were “Mickey Mouse.”  The rest of his life he went from one job to another, in movies, then in TV, and eventually he ended up in a theme park. What a life!

3.  Believe you can’t.

If you want to be a successful failure, you’re going to have to ignore any signs of self-confidence. Cover over any potential you have with self-doubt, negativity and denial.

I’m warning you, if you don’t follow my advice, you could end up like little Albert from Ulm, Germany. Albert didn’t speak until he was four and he couldn’t read until he was seven. People who knew him thought he was handicapped, slow and would never amount to anything.

When the world's greatest scientists couldn't understand Einstein's Theory of Relativity, he reportedly stuck out his tongue out and said, "Na na na boo boo!"

No wonder he was expelled from one school and refused admittance to another. He should have realized he was the definitive under-achiever. But Albert Einstein let his confidence get the best of him, relatively speaking. In the latter part of his life, Einstein was forced to make a living the only way he knew how, by posing for posters with his tongue stuck out.

4. Be afraid of failing.

Here’s a surefire way to become a failure. Just be afraid to fail. Let the challenge scare you so much, you give up and give in. Ignore the advice of media and motivational guru Seth Godin who said, “Failure isn’t fatal. You’ve got to fail to succeed.”

Henry Ford was a spectacular failure for much of his life. At 15, he dropped out of school and became a farmer. He failed at that and became a mechanic. He failed at that and started repairing clocks and watches.

He failed at that and went back to farming. Even when he tried to invent a “horseless carriage,” he failed time

Henry Ford drove a Model T in his first automobile ride, but was unable to reach his destination because Motel 6 hadn't been invented yet

and again, at one point losing all his investors’ money without producing a car.

But Henry Ford was never afraid to fail. After all, he had so much practice. He eventually produced a workable car, the Models T & A, and an assembly line system that revolutionized manufacturing. See? His life went nowhere.

5. Don’t be curious

Studies have shown that successful people seem to be curious about the world around them. They ask a lot of questions and explore everything. They love learning and live in a state of wonder, surprise and delight

Conversely, many people who fail are not that interested in discovering or exploring all the world has to offer. So avoid exposure to new people, places and things, and find nothing that inspires you, and with any luck at all you’ll fall flat on your face and never be heard from again. Steven Spielberg was an inquisitive child. I’m not exactly sure what he did with his life, but I know he spends a lot of time in movies and apparently “phoning home.”

STAN: He must have changed his meds.
HARRIETT: What are you talking about?
STAN: Golberg. Goldenberg. Whatever you call him. The hack who writes this blog. Dr. Suess must have upped his medication.
HARRIETT: Dr. Suess?
STAN: Dr. Suess. Dr. Scholls. Dr. Pepper. Who knows what quack Goldberg is seeing now? 
HARRIETT: I don’t see what you’re complaining about. I think today’s blog is very well written.
STAN: That’s just it, Harriett. I like the old Goldenberg. Oops, sorry, I got his name right. He was all over the place. You couldn’t follow his ADHD-addled brain from one paragraph to the next if you were Scotland Yard.
HARRIETT: So you liked it better when he was hard to follow, disjointed and all of the place?
STAN: Sure, it was part of my master plan. I figured eventually his so called brilliant Readers would kick his a** outta here and they’d ask me write the blog. 
HARRIETT: You? (HARRIETT DIDN’T WANT TO BE MEAN, BUT SHE COULDN’T HOLD BACK A LAUGH.) Was there any more to your master plan?
STAN: Well, I thought maybe, if I were writing this blog, you’d fall in love with me, marry me and we’d settle down and have a baby.
HARRIETT: But Stan, how many times do I have to tell you? You’re not real! You’re just some character in Jack’s head. You’re imaginary!
STAN: So, then we could have an imaginary baby.
HARRIETT: And how would you propose we do that?
STAN: I don’t know. I guess we could start with imaginary sex.
HARRIETT: Hmmm. Imaginary sex? I think I like that idea. You mind if we go someplace where the Readers can’t see us?
STAN: Sure.

STAN TAKES HARRIETT’S HAND AND THEY START WALKING OFF THE BLOG.

STAN: Harriett, I think this is the start of a beautiful relationship.
HARRIETT: Don’t push it, Stan. I just goin’ for the sex.

HARRIET SMILES, WINKS AT THE READERS AND THEY BOTH DISAPPEAR OFF THE BLOG.

Where was I? Oh, I remember. 

6. Be too old to succeed.

If you’re 50 or above, why not just admit your productive working days are over. They’re kaput. Finito! Stick a fork in you, you’re done! Use your time to complain about those young whippersnappers who have texted your career into oblivion and get in line early for the 4 p.m. blue plate special.

Something went terribly wrong the first time Col. Sanders tried to invent KFC and instead he created White Castle

Of course, that’s not what Harland Sanders did and for a most of his life, he was anything but a success. He tried his hand at numerous careers including steamboat pilot, streetcar conductor, farmer, service station operator and insurance salesman.

At the age of 40, Sanders cooked chicken dishes for people who stopped at his little service station in Corbin, Kentucky. Fifteen years later, that business failed too when Interstate 95 rerouted traffic.

Did Harland Sanders give up? Was he too old to succeed? Nope, at age 64, he took his secret recipe for “finger-lickin’ chicken” and, with a $105 check he had from Social Security, he started selling franchises in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

As it turned out, Colonel Harland Sanders didn’t just have a bucket list of things he wanted to accomplish, he had a bucket filled with chicken. Hold the gravy!

7. Don’t stretch your limits.

Why challenge yourself? If you want to fail, just accept the hand nature has dealt you. If you continually challenge yourself, you’re liable to succeed in spite of yourself. The world is full of successful people who refused to follow this sage advice.

Although Michael Jordan gave up Knock Hockey to become one of the greatest basketball players of all time

Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team because of a lack of athletic talent. Comedienne Lucile Ball was dismissed from drama school because she was “too shy to put her best foot forward.”

And then there was Thomas Edison. A teacher told him he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He advised Edison to “take up a simple profession that wouldn’t tax his limited abilities.”

If Edison had refused to stretch his limits, we’d all be sitting here texting by candlelight and playing Angry Birds in the dark.

8. Let a disability hold you back.

Nobody’s perfect, but many people suffer from severe disabilities that should, for all intents and purposes, threaten their ability to succeed. If you’ve got a physical or mental illness, no one would blame you for  giving in and giving up.

Throughout history, many people who’ve failed at failing refused to let their disability hold them back from what they wanted to accomplish. Alexander Graham Bell had a learning disability, Cher has dyslexia, President Franklin Roosevelt had polio and Ludwig Van Beethoven was deaf in the latter part of his life.

9.  Be the problem. Not the solution.

A lot of people have mastered this Rule. You probably work with some of them. You know the type. They bitch and complain all day long, but never offer up a suggested solution. What a perfect way to fail.

Senator Robert Kennedy inspired generations of Americans when he re-quoted George Bernard Shaw’s line, “Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say, why not?

If you want to fail and see others fail around you, identify the problem, complain out it, then do absolutely nothing to solve it.

10.  Oh, Damn! I’ve failed to come up with the 10^th Rule of Spectacular Failure.

What can I say? Sure, I wanted to come up with 10 Rules of Spectacular Failure, but I just gave up. Anyway, it’s not my fault, it’s somebody else’s. It was too hard, too difficult and I just didn’t think I had what it takes to get the job done.Besides some people told me I’d never come up with Rule #10. Guess I proved them right. At least I’m successful at something.

But wait! There’s more. This blog has been given a very special honor. Besides appearing here, it was run on Josh Gitomer’s famous brother’s blog, Jeffrey Gitomer’s Sales Caffeine. Congratulations to Jeffrey on blog #1000.

Watch out. I’m only about 900 blogs behind you!

If you’re interested in increasing the effectiveness of your advertising or social media or marketing campaign, contact Creative Copywriter and Content Producer  Jack Goldenberg, or call 973-590-7343. Einstein and da Vinci are standing by to take your call. 

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Because of the sad and untimely death of the Pillsbury Dough Boy (again), our regular blog that usually covers social media, marketing and Lady Gaga’s outlandish outfits will not be run today.

HARRIETT: You see what I see?
STAN: No! I don’t see anything!
HARRIETT: That’s just it. There’s nothing. Nothing as far as the eye can see. Just white space.  No Goldenberg. No blog.  Ahhh, it’s so peaceful.
STAN: Hey, what’s that crowd of people doing over there? How did they get on the blog?
HARRIETT: Oh, that’s some of Jack’s Readers. He lets a few of them in early. They’re waiting for the blog to start.

AN UNRULY CROWD OF READERS ENTERS THE BLOG AND OFFER THEIR EXPLANATIONS OF WHAT CAUSED THE BLOGLESSNESS.

READER#452: Maybe Goldenberg’s given up.
READER #12: Yeah, maybe he just can’t think of anything brilliant.
READER #532: What if he did give up? That would be the end of the blog.
READER #12: And…the end of us!
READER #2: Well, we could do it.
READER #1: We could do what?
READER #2: Write the blog. How tough could it be?
READER #532: We can’t write a blog! We’re not writers. We’re Readers. We’re not even real Readers! We’re just something Goldenberg dreamt up.
READER #2: You’re wrong. With Goldenberg not here, we can do whatever we want. We can change the name of the blog if we want to.
READER #174: C’mon, let’s call it 10 Minutes of Boredom. Or how about 10 Hours of  Sh*t-Faced Drunkeness?

READER#174: Hey, how’d that happen? I tried to say the word sh*t-faced. See, it happened again. I’m talkin’ in asterisks!
READER # 63: I think Goldenberg’s got some kinda controls on here so we can’t curse. Listen. Sh*t. F**k.  Di*k Chaney. Nope, you can’t curse.

THE READERS TALK ANIMATEDLY AMONGST THEMSELVES TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY CAN BLOG ABOUT. BUT BEFORE THEY GET A CHANCE TO START THE BLOG, HARRIETT HEARS JACK SAY SOMETHING OFF-BLOG.

HARRIETT: He’s here! We’ve gotta go.
STAN: Hurry!

STAN AND HARRIETT QUICKLY EXIT THE BLOG JUST AS GOLDENBERG ARRIVES.

Pillsbury Dough Boy Obituary (1962-2012)

Hey there, Readers, sorry I was late. I was at a funeral.

During the funreral, Mrs. Butterworth gave Pop N Fresh’s Dad, Pop Tart, a pat on the back. A pat of butter.

Please join me in remembering a great American icon – the Pillsbury Dough Boy, aka Pop N. Fresh. The veteran Pillsbury spokesman would have been 50 this year.

Sadly, the Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday from a yeast infection. Fresh was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

The Cap'n was not happy when only his head arrived at the funeral. The animators forgot to draw the rest of the body.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the Dough Boy’s eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, along with some silver dollar pancakes.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his well-earned dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was a roll model for millions. Towards the end, after his sad demise, it was thought he would rise again. But alas, he remained unleavened. Like Matzoh.

He had a good temperament and very few things made him angry. Although he did get a little burnt up when someone would leave him in the oven.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus one little muffin in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 degrees for about twenty minutes.

The 10 Rules for Being Human (Non-Humans can skip this part.)

STAN: Damn, Goldberg doesn’t even provide any segue way, does he?. He flies right into the next topic. Is that genius?
HARRIETT: Nope. ADHD. I hope the new Readers have their seat belts on!

Everyone’s heard the expression, “You’ve gotta play by the rules.” The actual expression should have been, “You’ve gotta LIVE by the Rules.” Now, these are not the Rules of Parcheesi, Tennis or the Rules of Parliamentary Procedure.

STAN: Out of Order! Out of Order!
HARRIETT: Good, Stan. You know about “Robert’s Rules of Order?”
STAN: I don’t know what the Hell you’re talking about, Harriett. I just lost a dollar twenty five in a Coke machine.

Where was I? Oh, yes, these aren’t just any Rules. These are The Rules for Being Human. I’ve run these before and Readers keep asking me to repeat them.  By the way, they are very well written and I did not write them.

STAN: No shirt, Sherlock!.

They were written by Cherie Carter-Scott from her book If Life is a Game, These are the Rules. There are only 10 Rules, so stop complaining how hard it is to be a Human!

The 10 Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it’s the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life. So take care of it! You’re not getting another. (Unless your name is Ted Williams.)

2. You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “Life.” Each day in school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much as a part of the process as the experiments that work. (This is a tough one for Jews and Catholics. The “No Guilt” hypothesis changes EVERYTHING.)

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons will be repeated by you in various forms until you have learned them. Once you’ve learned them, you can go on to the next lesson. (It’s sort of like Angry Birds, but with a little more depth and many more skill challenges.)

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned. (If you’re dead, well, school’s over.)

6. “There” is no better than “here”.  When your “there” has become “here,” you will simply obtain another “there” that will look better to you than “here.”

7. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. (OK, I don’t agree with this one.)

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need to succeed. What you do with them is up to you.

9. The answers are inside you. The answers to Life’s questions lie inside you. If you’re quiet, you can hear them. All you need to do is listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this. You can remember any time you wish.

HARRIET: Stan, you’re crying.
STAN: I’m crying because that was so…beautiful.
HARRIET: It was.
STAN: I kept waiting for Goldenberg to deliver a joke, even just a punchline.
HARRIETT: I’ll give you a punchline, Stan! How’d you like a nice Hawaiian punch?
STAN: Sure.

Harriett gives Stan a “nice” Hawaiian punch and Stan goes flying off the blog. With a sheepish look on her face, Harriett rushes off searching for Stan.

Well that’s all for today , Readers. I really appreciate your coming by and staying so long.

If you liked the blog, leave me a COMMENT.

If you hated the blog and found it boring, leave a COMMENT.

If you have No Comment, then leave me a COMMENT that says No Comment. Got it? Thanks for the use of the hall. See you next time. Sooner than you think.

Finally, if you have any idea who originated the story on the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s sudden demise, please let me know by leaving a COMMENT. I found many sources on the Net, but could not track down the originator.

Jack Goldenberg puts his own unique spin on tweets, Facebook pages, advertising copy and web site content. He can help you create great LinkedIn Profiles and even FAQS people will read.

If you’re interested in increasing the effectiveness of your branding or social media marketing campaign, contact Jack Goldenberg, or call 973-590-7343. Einstein and da Vinci are standing by to take your call.

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STAN: Oh, no, it’s Groundhog Day! Oh, no, it’s Groundhog Day! 
HARRIETT: Stan, why are you repeating everything over and over again.
STAN: I can’t help it. I can’t help it. 
HARRIETT: Why not?
STAN:  It’s Groundhog Day!  It’s Groundhog Day! 

HARRIETT STOPS FOR A SECOND AND TRIES TO STUDY THE SITUATION. BUT THERE’S REALLY NO STUDYING NECESSARY WHEN THE SUBJECT IS STAN. SOMETIMES HE’S JUST AN IDIOT.

HARRIETT: So?
STAN: So, on Groundhog Day, you repeat everything you say. You know, like in that Bill Murray movie! So, on Groundhog Day, you repeat everything you say. You know, like in…
HARRIETT: …that Bill Murray movie? I know. But you’ve got it all wrong, Stan. On Groundhog Day you repeat the day, not what you say.
STAN: Oh? Really?(PAUSE) Hey, I did it! I didn’t repeat it.

STAN CHECKS HIMSELF IN A MIRROR TO MAKE SURE HIS LIPS AREN’T MOVING. THEY AREN’T.

HARRIETT: And they say you can’t teach old idiots new tricks.
STAN: Who says that?
HARRIETT: I just did.
STAN: Oh, right. (STAN THINKS TO HIMSELF.) 

HARRIETT: So, we might as well make the best of it.
STAN: Whadd’ya mean.?
HARRIETT: You know, when Jack arrives at the blog, we’ll take a snooze.
STAN:  Huh?
HARRIETT: We’ll saw some logs.
STAN: We will?
HARRIETT: We’ll catch some Zs.
STAN: Catch Zs? How would you catch a Z?
HARRIETT: No, Stan! We’ll-take-a-nap! (HARRIETT SAYS THE WORDS ONE-AT-A-TIME HOPING STAN WILL UNDERSTAND.)
STAN:  Take a nap. Is it nap time? Where are my Dr. Dentons.
HARRIETT: Stan! We’ll sleep!
STAN: We’ll sleep?
HARRIETT: Together!
STAN:  Together? We’ll sleep together? Oh, we’ll sleep together! Why didn’t you say that?
HARRIETT: You know Stan, I’m only doing it because you’re not real. That an….
STAN: Yeah, I know. And I’m only doing it because you’re the most beautiful girl on the blog.
HARRIETT: Really? Thanks. Wait, I think I hear his Master’s Voice?
STAN: RCA?
HARRIETT: No, Stan, Jack!
STAN: I have one question, Harriett. Will everything we do today, Groundhog Day, will we do it all again tomorrow?
HARRIETT: Yup.
STAN: C’mon Harriett! Let’s get outta here! I think I’m gonna set a world’s record!

 STAN GRABS HARRIETT’S HAND AND AS QUICKLY AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, HE STARTS TO PULLS HER OFF THE BLOG.

HOWEVER. JUST BEFORE THEY JUMP OFF THE BLOG AND INTO, WELL, BED, HARRIETT REALIZES JACK HASN’T SHOWN UP. SO IF SHE AND STAN LEAVE THE BLOG, ALL THE READERS WILL SEE IS A BIG WHITE SPACE.

HARRIETT: Quick Stan, thrown up a YouTube trailer of Groundhog Day.

They get it up just in time.

Hey, Readers. Welcome to the Groundhog Day edition of 10 Minutes of Brilliance. It’s Pete and Repeat’s favorite day! Since whatever I say here will be repeated over and over again for 42 days (if we strictly follow the movie script), I’m gonna mention one or two things today, then get the Hell out of here.

First up, some interesting quotes from one of the world’s best salesman. Next, a cool game you can play. An interactive game called Stickman where a stick figure you draw comes to life.. Finally, we’ll close with some music. Any music you want, from The Ink Spots in the 1940s to Smash Mouth, a group that was popular in 1999. Let’s start with the the quotes.

Introducing Famous Quotes from Josh Gitomer’s famous brother, Jeffrey. None of which mention Groundhog Day.

Jeffrey Gitomer is a writer, speaker and motivator and the author of The New York Times best sellers, The Sales Bible, The Little Red Book of Selling, The Little Black Book of Connections, and the book these quotes are from, The Little Golden Book of YES! Attitude. All of these books By Josh’s brother Jeffrey and many others books have been Number One on Amazon.com.

As long as we have to repeat this for 42 days, we might as well repeat something useful.. Here are 10 quotes from Josh Gitomer’s brother, Jeffrey:

1. Change your input to change your attitude. If you seek a positive mind and a positive attitude, you MUST expose yourself to positive information and hang around positive people. If you want to achieve positive, you have to surround yourself with it and live with it.

2. You will get whatever you want if you help enough people get whatever they want. A quote that many claim to have said. It doesn’t matter who said it – just live it. Don’t dwell on whine about the problem; concentrate on the solution. Resolve how you can; don’t lament why you can’t.

3. Forgive and go forward. Grudge blocks positive. Until you clear the past, you are destined to repeat it. This is Jack, not Jeffrey. That last quote sounds a little Groundhog Day to me!)

4. What is the picture you have of yourself? That is what you will become. Spend 15 minutes a day focusing on a positive picture.

5. Failure is an event, not a person. Think of failure as “it,” not “me.”

6. It’s not what happens to you; it’s what you do with what happens to you. Sound familiar? Attitude manifests itself in your RESPONSE to events.

7. Every obstacle presents an opportunity, if you’re looking for it. “Revel” and “lament” are choices. Your choices.

8. Hard work makes luck. Nothing affects positive circumstance and results more than hard work.

9. How many of your problems are cured with ten grand? (A question a famous father [my dad] once asked me as I lamented my problems.) If money makes your problems go away, attitude can make them go away as well.

10. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. The tone of your verbiage determines the atmosphere of your environment.

And now for our Second Act, we present Stickman.

Once you click on the link below, just put your cursor on the “drawing” space and click and drag a line. You can draw as many lines as you want. You can even erase and start over again. When you’re done, you’ll be amazed at how animated Stickman can be. But if you get taken off the blog, just remember to come back or you’ll our final presentation today, the World’s Great Juke Box, The Jukebox Time Machine. See ya’ back here I hope.

 Special Instructions for anyone over 50: Click anywhere on this purple line to access Stickman!

STAN: So… How was I?
HARRIETT: You were great.
STAN: Is that all?
HARRIETT: You were great. You were great. You were great. You were great. You were great. You were great. You were great.
STAN: Is that all?
HARRIETT: You were great?
STAN: Oh, you didn’t have to say that.
HARRIETT: I did. Jack wrote it that way.  Well, it’s time to say goodbye.
STAN: But what about the Magic Juke Box Time Machine? And what about the part where Goldberg asks his Readers to leave a comment?
HARRIETT: Well, I guess, Jack will save the Magic Juke Box, aka The Juke Box time Machine, for another blog. And as far as Jack asking his Readers to leave a comment, why, I guess he’s tired of asking them when they never seem to do it.
STAN: Not lately. 
HARRIETT: Nope. 
STAN: That’s kinda sad.
HARRIETT: Ah, he’ll get over it. 

STAN LOOKS IN FRONT OF HIM AND HE CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HE SEES.

STAN: Oh no, it’s starting all over again.

STAN: Oh, no, it’s Groundhog Day! Oh, no, it’s Groundhog Day!
HARRIETT: Stan, why are you repeating everything over and over again.
STAN: I can’t help it. I can’t help it.
HARRIETT: Why not?
STAN:  It’s Groundhog Day!  It’s Groundhog Day!

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STAN: Where the Hell is he?
HARRIETT: Relax. He’ll be here.
STAN: I’m telling you Goldberg’s a hack. He was a hack writer and now he’s a hack blogger. In fact, he should be driving a hack!
HARRIETT: It has been taking him a while to get a new blog up.
STAN: He hasn’t posted in two damn weeks! Maybe the jerk ran out of brilliant ideas. Not that he ever had any!
HARRIETT: He’s not a jerk, Stan, and I don’t think Jack will ever run out of ideas. Do you realize over 350 new Readers have joined 10 Minutes of Brilliance since the last two blogs, “Why You Are Here on Earth.” and “The World’s Greatest Card Trick”
STAN: Big deal. That just proves it. The less Goldberg writes, the more people like it. If he didn’t blog for a year, he’d probably have a gazillion Readers.
HARRIETT: A gazillion Brilliant Readers!
STAN: Yeah, whatever.

HARRIETT GLANCES DOWN THE BLOG AND NOTICES SOMETHING STRANGE. IT’S SO STRANGE, FOR A SECOND, HARRIETT THINKS SHE IS IN THE WRONG BLOG.

HARRIETT: Stan, look at that!

THIS IS WHAT HARRIETT SEES:

1. Brilliant Video
2. Brilliant Coke Ad
3. Brilliant Strategy

4. Brilliant Simplicity
5.Brilliant FREE Business App #1 Evernote

6. Brilliant Free Business App #2 Google Translate

7. Brilliant FREE Business App #3 Keepass

8. Brilliant Paint Job

9. Brilliant Politics

10. Brilliant Readers

HARRIETT: Oh, my God  LOOK, the blog has been cleaned up. Everything’s in order.
STAN: I don’t believe it. Goldberg’s got today’s topics numbered from 1-10.
HARRIETT: Who could have cleaned up the place?
STAN: Maybe the folks from Downton Abbey.
HARRIETT: Stan, They’re not real.
STAN: Of course, they are.
HARRIETT: Stan, they’re not real! Neither is Donald Duck, the Easter Bunny or Uncle Remus. And guess what Stan? You’re not real either.
STAN: Well, I know the Easter Bunny’s not real. I found that out last year. But I’m real Harriett. I’m real.
HARRIETT: No, you’re not. I keep telling you. You’re something Jack dreamed up.
STAN: I’ll prove it to you. Kiss me.
HARRIETT: What?
STAN: Oh, all of sudden you don’t hear me? Like you couldn’t just look at the side of the blog and see what I said?

(Readers: Please go back and re-read this line, but this time, do it with a Jewish accent.)

HARRIETT: I saw it. I saw it. I was just trying to ignore it.
STAN: If I’m not real, then why won’t you kiss me? Huh, Harriett? Better yet, if I’m not real, why don’t you sleep with me?
HARRIETT: When you say sleep, Stan, you don’t mean…sleep, do you? 
STAN: There could be some sleeping. Some brief sleeping. 
HARRIETT: OK. Yes.! No! Yes! I don’t know?
STAN: What don’t you know.
HARRIETT: I don’t know whether you love me or Jack’s putting words in your mouth.
STAN: I love you, Harriett. I truly love you. Besides, I’m not real anyway. So what have you got to lose?

HARRIETT THINKS TO HERSELF: He’s right. What have I got to lose?

HARRIETT SMILES, GRABS STAN’S HAND AND STARTS WALKING OFF THE BLOG WITH HIM.

BEFORE STEPPING OFF THE BLOG, STAN TURNS AROUND, LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE READERS (THAT’S YOU!), AND WINKS.

HARRIETT STICKS OUT HER FOOT AND TRIPS HIM. STAN GETS UP AND THEY BOTH DISAPPEAR OFF THE BLOG.

Hey, it’s me, Jack. Sorry I’m late. I’d like to welcome a slew of new Readers to 10 Minutes of Brilliance. (How much is a slew?) ( How much is half a slew?)  (And why do I put so many phrases in parentheses.) (Do I?) (I guess I do.)

While I want to welcome our Brilliant New Readers, I also wanted to honor my long-time Brilliant Readers, a pioneering group who have been with me since I launched this blog.

Early Readers of 10 Minutes of 10 Minutes of Brilliance really were a Motley Crew

A little history about 10 Minutes of Brilliance for my New Readers. I started this blog in 1973. There was no Internet. No electricity. And no cell phones. We had to text by candlelight. We’d still be doing that today if Al Gore hadn’t invented the Internet by fashioning a set of tubes. Or was it boobs. No, not those kind of boobs, boobs like the The Four Republican Musketeers running from the President.

Where was I?  Oh yes, today’s blog is in honor of our 60 original Brilliant Readers who were with us in our first year, 2010. We honor them and the 1.400  new Readers who’ve joined us in the last year. There’s so much to celebrate,  I decided this blog would have 10 times the brilliance of our regular blogs!

STAN: Now that’s a very clever thing for him to write about. Brilliant things. I wonder how long Goldberg will be able to keep up this ruse?

As always, I’ve overwritten this blog. So feel free to check out early at any time. Of course, if you leave before we get to Brilliant Idea#5, you’ll miss hearing about the cool, FREE business apps you can get. And if you leave before #10, well, you’ll miss your Homework Assignment. And you wouldn’t want to do that. As always, thanks for stopping by!

1. Brilliant Video: I wish I wrote this. I didn’t. This is a self-promotion vehicle that a copywriter wrote to drum up business. It’s great!

 2. Brilliant Coke Ad

Coca-Cola has always had brilliant, emotional advertising. In this spot, an elderly gentleman takes his first sip of Coke and…it appears to change his life.

What makes the spot brilliant is that it is interesting, emotional and memorable. When a spot is well done, you can watch it over and over again and never tire of seeing it.

SORRY: You Tube wouldn’t let me embed the spot in my blog. So to see it, click on the blue word “Coca-Cola” right velow the words “Brilliant Coke-ad.”.

WARNING: After you’ve seen the spot, click your back button to come back the the blog. You’re only 3 numbers away from the FREE Business Apps.

3. Brilliant Strategy

 Next up, a pro-bono spot by The Partnership at Drugfree.org. By the way, pro bono means: “for the public good.” See, you thought you weren’t going to learn anything new today.

Now it’s relatively easy to write an emotion laden spot for a charity, a cause, or something that negatively affects people. Like disease, a human tragedy or thinking about the possibility of President Newt.

What makes this spot so strong is that it doesn’t blame kids for abusing drugs and alcohol. It blames their parents. I understand kids are responsible for their own actions. They’re just not likely to do anything about it.

Blaming parents is controversial, sure, but crafty and brilliant if it shakes parents out of their state of denial.

 Here’s the spot:

4. Brilliant Simplicity

 ”Less is More”: A Brilliant Idea from Alfred, Lord Tennyson. Sort of.

Everyone has heard the expression “Less is more.” It’s true in a lot of circumstances, but especially when you’re communicating. Compare someone who makes one clever comment in a meeting to someone who never shuts up. Even if the blabbermouth made one or two brilliant comments, you’d never hear them because they would have drowned in the tsunami of comments that person was uttering.

My favorite example of “Less is More” comes from the great English poet, Alfred, Lord Tennyson. Tennyson never said the words, “Less is More,” he exemplified them. The story Tennyson’s college exam brilliantly demonstrates the importance of brevity.

I know I’ve blogged about this story before.But it’s worth hearing again.

STAN: Sure it’s worth hearing again.  Goldenberg doesn’t feel like writing anything new here. The lazy bum!
HARRIETT: Stan, sometimes, you’re a real schmuck.
STAN: Thank you, Harriett. Was that something you noticed were..ah..we we’re…ah.
HARRIETT: Sleeping? Yes. (Said Harriett sheepishly.)

The story takes place when the nineteenth century Victorian poet was only 16 years old. Tennyson was in his sophomore year at Cambridge University and he was taking one of the University’s toughest courses, comparative religions.

His final exam was a long, grueling affair, a 6-hour essay exam with only one question on it. Tennyson’s professor handed out the exam booklets and announced the question.

“Jesus turned water into wine,” the professor said. “Please explain in detail how he did it.”

“You have six hours to answer that question as completely as possible,” said the professor looking at his pocket watch. “Begin now.”

Eleven students opened their exam booklets and began feverishly answering the question. The 12th student, Alfred Tennyson, sat there with his exam booklet and eyes both closed.

“Five hours to go,” the professor announced about an hour into the test. “Keep writing.”

Eleven of the students picked up speed and wrote faster and faster, completing their first booklet and now writing in a second. Tennyson just sat there with his exam booklet closed.

As every hour went by, the assembled students wrote so much, their hands hurt. Many of them filled up 3 or 4 exam booklets explaining how Jesus turned water into wine. Still, Tennyson just sat there, oblivious to his frenzied classmates, some of whom were buckling under the stress of the exam.

“One half an hour to go,” the professor announced. “Start to finish up, class.” He glanced over at Alfred Tennyson. He still hadn’t picked up his pencil. The professor couldn’t understand why Tennyson hadn’t written anything in his exam booklet. He was supposed to be a brilliant student. Was he so stumped by this question that he couldn’t think of anything to write?

“One minute to go,” said the professor said, as he gave a cold hard stare to young Tennyson.

Finally, Tennyson opened his exam booklet for the first time.

“Thirty seconds. Time’s almost up.”

Tennyson picked up his pencil and started to write. There was barely enough time to write one sentence. But that’s all he needed.

“Time’s up! Hand in your booklets,” the professor admonished his class.

All 12 students, including Tennyson, handed in their exams. When the grades were given out a week later, most of them ranged from a B minus to B plus. Only one student, Alfred Tennyson, aced the exam, and got an A for his efforts.

When he was asked how to explain the miracle of how Christ turned water into wine, Tennyson’s one sentence reply was simply, “The water met its Master and blushed.”

   5.Brilliant FREE Business App #1: Evernote

I have a friend named Becky Blanton. She’s a wonderful writer and a very special human being.  She was busy recently and couldn’t handle an assignment, so she asked me if I could handle it for her The project was to rewrite a Web site for a tech client in Australia. I agreed to do it because, well, I’ve always been fond of having food on my table.

The client, Brent Valle, the President and Founder of NGage Technology Group, turned out to be a Copywriter’s dream. He was smart, honest, he knew his business. and, best of all, he let me do what he hired me to do. Like range free chickens, writers do their best work when they are allowed to roam free.

Together we created a 2-part campaign, online and off. Brent came up with an ingenious way to promote the new Web site I was writing. He sent clients and prospective clients a bottle opener in one box, a week later a lemon, and  then Box #3 arrived with a bottle of Corona beer. I wrote copy for the mailers, but believe me, they preferred the beer.

STAN: Does Jack ever explain something in just a few words?
HARRIETT: Yes. But not in this lifetime.

Prospective NGage IT clients got a bottle opener...

...a lemon...

...and a bottle of Corona Beer in 3 separate mailings,

For another part of the campaign, I created a 2012 IT Toolbox, a clever way of packaging, virtually,  10 really cool and awesome business apps.

All of these apps are available on the Internet, but I wanted my Readers to know about them. So here, without further do-do, are the 3 free apps I promised you. If you like them, I bring you more apps in future blogs. The first app is called Evernote.

Evernote is like having a personal assistant whose job it is to remember things for you.   http://www.evernote.com/

With Evernote your personal assistant is always right there by your side,
remembering all the important things you need to do for your business. He can
keep track of receipts, capture a chart for later reference and write down or
voice record important messages for follow-up.

With Evernote, you can do all that and more, and access it all on any web enabled
computer or smart phone.

6. Brilliant FREE Business App #2: Google Translate

With Google Translate, you can be fluent in 60 languages.

http://translate.google.com/

They’ve been saying it for years. Business is going global. And now, you can too. Once you’ve
conquered all the business opportunities at home, mine some foreign territory. Even if you flunked Spanish in high school, there’s a way you can still succeed.

Google Translate helps you understand spoken words in 60
languages. You can translate what you can hear or say. So if someone says,
“Usted tiene tiempo para escribir un pedido grande? You’ll know they mean, “Do
you have time to write up a big order?”

7. Brilliant FREE Business App #3: Keepass

  KeePass is like having a bodyguard who keeps your     passwords safe. And secret!
   http://keepass.info/

The problem with having so many passwords is they’re hard to remember. And now at some sites, you haveto change your password every 6 months.
KeePass is a highly secure, easy-to-use Password manager.

With KeePass, you can put all your passwords in one database, which is locked with a master key or key file. You only have to remember one single master
password or select the key file to unlock the entire database. The databases are
encrypted using the best and most secure encryption algorithms currently known
(AES and Twofish).

        8. Brilliant Paint Job

What do Elvis, Cher, Michaelangelo and Pliny the Elder have in common? They all all had real last names. Well, except for Pliny the Elder. Incidentally, Pliny the Elder was not always known as Pliny the Elder. Early in his life, he was called Pliny the Baby. And in his early 20′s, he was known simply as Pliny, the Pain in the Butt. 

If you don't know Elvis' last name, stop readiung this blog immediately. See a doctor before your head explodes.

Cher, aka, Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere, called me and told me to run here photo in my blog larger than the accompanying Elvis photo. I did. You would have too.

Many people, even in the art world, do not know that Michaelangelo Buonarroti painted the Sistine Chapel using a John Nagy Learn to Paint kit.

There’s a lot I’d like to tell you about the Sistine Chapel. For instance, did you know that Michaelangelo didn’t paint the sistine Chapel. He re-painted it. The Sistine Chapel was originally painted by Piero Matteo d’Amelia and it included a star-spangled sky. How do I know this? Let’s just say I have my sources . (Wickipedia)

Michaelangelo’s Sistine Chapel depicts scenes from Genesis. No, not the rock group. Anyway, why talk about the Sistine chapel when I can show it to you? Really, show it to you.

Ladies and germs, may I present the Sistine Chapel.

You are about to use an amazing and brilliant piece of technology. It will give you a once-in-a-lifetime view of the Sistine Chapel. No, I take that back. In the real world, the Sistine Chapel is so crowded, you’d never have the opportunity to view it alone. And you’d never get such a close-up view either.

Please read the instructions carefully to get the most out of your visit.

To view any part of the Sistine Chapel, just click and drag your Mouse (arrow) in the direction you would like to see.

In the lower left, click on the plus sign (+) to move closer, on the minus sign (-) to move away.

Move the arrow up and down and you will see every part of the chapel. This virtual tour of the Sistine Chapel is incredible. Apparently created by Villanova University at the request of the Vatican .

Click here: VIRTUAL UP-CLOSE AND PERSONAL TOUR OF THE SISTINE CHAPEL

Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.

9. Brilliant Politics

I know politics can be a sticky subject in public or on a blog. Everyone has their own views and many of us are pretty set in our ways, having formed our political opinions from our parents and experiences we had growing up. I don’t have any idea which political parties my Readers support, or if they support any at all. Still, as a marketer, I try to look at all communication with an open mind and I would hope my Readers can do the same when they see the next video.

Granted, it puts one candidate for President in a very favorable light. I just think it is a stroke of genius (hence, the brilliance!) to see President Barack Obama congratulate Betty White on her 90th birthday.

I know Obama didn’t come up with this idea, but whover suggested it should get a raise. At first when I saw it, I didn’t think it was real, especially towards the end where you see President Obama grooving to Betty White’s theme song from Golden Girls, Thank You for Being a Friend. Anyway, it’s short, so even if you’re a Swift Boater you should be able to sit through it and enjoy it. Well, maybe not enjoy it.

Well, I know I said I has 10 brilliant things to lay on you in today’s blog. But that’s all I’ve got. Let me see if I can round up Stan and Harriett. Maybe they’ve got some brilliant ideas.

10. Brilliant Readers

STAN: I can’t believe Goldberg left us holding the bag. You got anything brilliant to tell Jack’s Readers?
HARRIETT: Nope, you?
STAN: Not a thing.
HARRIETT: I’ve got it. Something the Readers will like.
STAN: A video of us doing the…
HARRIETT: STAN! That was personal. Just between you and me. Besides, you’re not real, so we didn’t really do anything. Now, if we need something brilliant to close out today’s blog, I’ve got the perfect idea. We’ll have Readers submit their own ideas of what they think is brilliant.
STAN: You think they’ll do it? You know how much they hate to even leave a comment.
HARRIETT: They’ll do it. Jack has some of the most loyal Readers this side of the Rio Grande.
STAN: What’s that mean?
HARRIETT: Don’t know. I heard it on an old Western. Stan, I’m gonna do it. I’ll see if I can get Jack’s Readers to help out.

HARRIETT: Hey Readers, Harriett here. You know, Jack puts a lot of time and effort into making 10 Minutes of Brilliance a great blog.
STAN: Harriett, do you think Readers won’t know that Jack put you up to that?
HARRIETT: I have a mind of my own, Stan. I may be a fictional character, but I have real feelings. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Readers, Jack needs your help. Surely each and every one of you knows something you think is brilliant, awesome, something that everybody should know about.
STAN: Like what?
HARRIETT: That’s the beauty of it. It can be anything. A book, a Web site, TV show, movie…
STAN: Like Cassablanca?
HARRIETT: Sure, Stan. Cassablanca is a brilliant movie.
STAN: (Doing his best Humphrey Bogart) Of all da gin joints in the world…
HARRIETT: All right, Stan! There are two ways you can help. One, just leave a comment on the blog. It can be a word, a sentence or a web address, with an brief explanation of why it’s brilliant.
STAN: (Still doing Bogart) What’s da second way, sweetheart?
HARRIETT: (Ignoring Stan) Or, if you don’t want to leave something public online, say maybe because you were in the Witless Protection Program, then instead of leaving a comment, send your brilliant idea and brief explanation to jackgoldenberg@yahoo.com
STAN: Remember your brilliant idea can be anything. Your Mom’s chocolate chip brownies recipe. An app that seemingly does magic.
HARRIETT: So leave a comment or e-mail us your brilliant idea. Jack will post them all on the blog.
STAN: Cheese it!
Harriett: Is Cheese it a product you think is brilliant?
STAN: It’s a product. But that’s not what I meant. Cheese it! Scram! Get the “F” outta here! Hurry! I think I hear him.
HARRIETT: Are you trying to take me where I think you’re taking me?
STAN: No!
HARRIETT: No?  No? Well, maybe you should.

STAN SMILES, WINKS AT THE READERS, AND PULLS HARRIETT OFF THE BLOG.

That’s it for now, Readers. This was a long one. I hope you enjoyed it and that you’ll check out some of the cool apps we mentioned. You probably don’t have any idea what my next blog will be about. But that’s OK. Neither do I. Thanks for the use of your brain and your heart.  Jack (Don’t forget to send me a brilliant idea!One per reader. The Sargeant-at-Arms will be taking names.)

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STAN: I don’t see why he’s lumping us in with the Readers. We’re just imaginary characters.
HARRIETT: Just do what he says, Stan. He could eliminate us entirely.

Now the rest of you, all you Readers who are standing, do you know what Bernie, Wex, Mary Ann and Phil did that made me happy? They left me a Comment like I asked you all to do!

I guess I shouldn’t complain. After all, almost three dozen Readers wrote to my personal e-mail account. But many of you wanted me to be a little more specific about Why You’re Here on Earth. And several of you asked me if I could simplify The Meaning of Existence.

One Reader actually asked me if I could “Dumb it down, a little.”

HARRIETT: Was that you, Stan? Were you the one who asked Jack to Dumb Down the Meaning of Existence?
STAN: Not exactly. I used a fake name.
 HARRIETT: What fake name did you use?
STAN: Fake Name! That’s the fake name I used.
HARRIETT: You used the fake name FAKE NAME?
STAN:  I did. Pretty clever, huh?
HARRIETT: Oh, yes. (SAID HARRIETT JOKINGLY). Jack will never figure that out.
STAN: That’s what I thought. 

Now, I’m not sure who that Reader was. But my guess is it was Stan because he used the fake name Fake Name.

But I decided to take Fake Name up on the challenge and simplify the Meaning of Existence. Sounds impossible doesn’t it? Well, they don’t call this blog 10 Minutes of Brilliance for nothing! Here, in the fewest words possible, is the Answer to the Ultimate Question, “Why You Are Here on Earth.”

 The Meaning of Life, The Meaning of Existence. And the Seven Reasons Why You Are Here on Earth. PLUS, as an added Bonus, The Greatest Card Trick in the World.

Here are your 7 assignments while you are here in Earth.

1. Take care of yourself-physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

2. Care for others. Make the world a better place. Practice good karma. When in doubt, apply the Golden Rule.

3. Be mindful. This is the most difficult task of all. Try to be conscious of being conscious.

4. Love someone. Put someone else’s needs before yours. “The Love you take is equal to the Love you make.” The Rutles (aka the Fab Four before they were Fab)

5. Be happy. Genuinely enjoy all that you are, even all that you have. The Universe appreciates appreciation.

6. Create. It doesn’t have to be a work of art, as much as a work of you.

7. Learn and Grow. The Universe is expanding. You should too.

And now as promised, the Greatest Card Tick in the World.

I could go on…

STAN: Yeah, and you probably will. 
HARRIETT: All right, Stan. Jack was just trying to impart a little Universal wisdom.
STAN: Well, he doesn’t have to do it here. Let him find his own blog.
HARRIETT: This is his blog.
STAN: Oh, yeah.Right.

Well, I guess I could leave you all with a simplified Meaning of Existence (and The Greatest Card Trick in the World. That should be enough to ponder until the next blog. But as important as it is, learning why you are here on Earth and what you should do about it seems like it might be too serious and solemn a subject to end this blog post on. Even for my Brilliant Readers.

So I thought I’d add one bit of levity to lighten the mood. After all, the Universe enjoys a good laugh.

A third grade teacher in Manville, Virginia, asked her class to complete some well known phrases. Their answers were revealing because the kids were expressing Reality as only they could see it. Here are her phrases and the kids’ responses.

1. Don’t change horses ………………until they stop running.
2. Strike while the……………………..bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before…………Daylight Saving Time.
4. When the blind lead the blind……get out of the way
5. You can lead a horse to water but..how?
6. No news is……………………………impossible.
7. Don’t bite the hand that……………looks dirty.
8. A miss is as good as a………………Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new…..math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll….stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust………………………….me.
12. The pen is mightier than the……….pigs.
13. Where there’s smoke there’s………..pollution.
14. Happy is the bride who………………gets all the presents.
15. A penny saved is………………………not much.
16. Two’s company, three’s……………..the Musketeers
17. There is none so blind……………….as Stevie Wonder
18. If at first you don’t succeed………….get new batteries
19. Better late than………………………..pregnant.
20. Children should be seen and not….spanked

Well, that’s all for today, Brilliant Readers. I appreciate your stopping by. I would love it if you’d leave me a Comment. Did you like today’s post? Did you learn anything? Any personal experiences with your own Quest for the Meaning of Life you’d like to share?

No? That’s OK. but if you’re Comment averse and just don’t want to commit yourself publicly, then do something else to help me out. Tweet the blog. Or send a link to the blog to a friend or two. Or just put into play any or all of the 7 Reasons why You Are Here on Earth. That will help the Universe and that, in turn, will help me. You know why.

Because we’re all One.

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STAN: Where the hell is he?
HARRIETT: Jack? He’ll be here. Just be patient.
STAN: But it’s been over a month since Golberg published his last blog. Damn he’s slow.
HARRIETT: Well, this was a particularly tough blog to write. After all, “Why YOU are here on Earth” is The Universal Question.

The Universal Question is either "What is the purpose of Life?" or "How did Kim Kardashian get so damn famous?"

STAN: I thought, “How did Kim Kardashian get so damn famous?” was the Universal Question.
HARRIETT: That’s actually second. It’s right behind the question on man’s very existence, his being, his purpose in life. His raison-d’etre.

STAN SCRATCHES HIS HEAD AND SQUINTS HIS EYES.

STAN: OK, I didn’t understand that last thing. But then, I never took Spanish. Say Harriett, you got anything to eat?
HARRIETT: Stan, you have the attention span of a tse-tse fly.
STAN: Thank you, I think. Wait! I think Goldenberg’s here. Quick, am-scray. I don’t want him to catch us. Last time he said if he caught me wise-cracking on the blog one more time, he was gonna shut me up for good.
HARRIETT: How did he say he’d do it? A poisoned dart? A staged accident? A knife through the heart?
STAN: No, worse! Worse than anything you could imagine! He said he’d never type my name again.
HARRIETT: Ouch! That could be painful. What a way to go!
STAN: I know! Let’s go. I think I hear him thinking. 

STAN GRABS HARRIETT AND PULLS HER OFF THE BLOG.

Hey Readers, sorry it took me so long so to write this blog. I was in pretty much over my head. This topic has proved to be unusually challenging, but also very popular. Over 300 new Readers signed up since I announced this blog would explain, well, the almost unexplainable.

STAN YELLS SOMETHING FROM OFF BLOG.
STAN: Hey man, cut the chit-chat. Let’s get on with the show.

But enough chit-chat. Let’s get on with the show.

STAN: Is he mocking me?

Are YOU ready to find out WHY YOU’RE HERE ON EARTH?

YOU are? You’re sure? YOU can handle it? OK, here goes, Reader.

The Reason you’re Here on Earth is….is…well, it’s…it’s……

Oh, come on now! Did you really think I was going to tell YOU what your mission is here on Earth. Don’t YOU get it? That’s for YOU to figure out.

Now I can give YOU some hints, but really, it’s your life, your game, you’re the player.

It’s up to YOU.

Of course, there really is no YOU.

No singular YOU, that is. There are many YOUs. I know YOU think there is ONE YOU. We all do. (Well, almost all of us.) That’s the Great Illusion. Well, one of the Great Illusions.

The "Game of Life" is not to be confused with The Game of Life. The former is a 4-6 player game, the latter is played solo.

So here’s your first clue. You have to see through the Illusions. That’s part of the Game of Life. Well, part of the Game.

Another Illusion is that we’re all separate.

Now I know how stupid that sounds. Of course, we’re all separate! I’m me. You’re YOU. And everybody else is, well, somebody else.

True, that’s the way it plays in the Material World. But guess what?

The Material World isn’t the only World. It’s just one World, one plane of Reality.

STAN: OK, I’m pretty sure Goldberg’s gone off the deep end, now. So, Harriett, I guess I am you, and you are me, and we are all together, huh?
HARRIETT: That’s how the Beatles saw it. or rather sang it.

I am He
As you are He
As you are me
And we are all together.

STAN: Yeah and I am the Walrus!

STAN SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF.

STAN: Wow, what were the Beatles smokin’ when they came up with that.
HARRIETT: Actually, Stan, that’s when the Beatles were looking for the meaning of Life.
STAN: The board game?
HARRIETT: No, Stan.
STAN: Hell, I’m still trying to figure out Parcheesie.
HARRIETT: Do you want to learn something on go on being ignorant?
STAN: Well, I’d like to do both.
HARRIETT:  All right, Stan, just pay attention. The Beatles were on top of the music charts and on top of the World. But it wasn’t enough. Because they understood there was a real meaning to existence and they wanted to know what it was.
STAN: Are you sure you don’t have something to eat? A stick of Juicy Fruit. An old Oreo cookie?

HARRIETT HAS DEALT WITH STAN ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT IT ISN’T EASY GETTING THROUGH TO HIM. STILL SHE TRIES AGAIN.

HARRIETT: And the BEATLES weren’t the only ones who understood there was a Higher Reality. The Moody Blues also knew LIFE WAS A GAME. And they also knew we all were ONE.

“As time goes by you will see           There, by your side, I will be
That we’re going to be free               When this crazy world is free
You and me, we’ll touch the sky      Free from doubt when it finds out
Can you see in your mind’s eye         Exactly what we’re meant to be

That we are one                                 That we are one
We’re all the same                           We’re all the same
And life is just a simple game.   And life is just a simple game.

There has been evidence of a Higher Reality throughout history. But even if  YOU believed that for a second, or a minute, the feeling wouldn’t last. YOU know why?

Because there are many YOUs. And one of them will do everything in his power to make YOU forget THE QUEST.

Here’s another Illusion:

YOU think the world is outside YOU. It’s not.

It certainly seems that way. And that screws up a lot in your Life. Sure, put your responsibility on the world outside YOU. Then YOU can’t be blamed when something goes wrong. Whatever went wrong wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your responsibility. It was your parents’. Or society’s fault. And where does God figure into all this? Surely God should accept some of the responsibility.

And yet we blame ourselves more than we can imagine. We all have so many fears. And we feel guilty. And that holds us back from doing what we want to do and being what we want to be.

We think, mistakenly,we’re the only one who have fears and feelings of guilt and shame, but really everybody does. Take the classic example of bullies. They act like they’re strong and that they have power. But deep down they question their own worth and feel inadequate. Even though they’d never admit it. Now, you may not be a bully, but you probably question your worth, your value hundreds of times a day in that complex underused brain of yours.

It may seem like other people’s troubles are less than yours, but that’s just because you’re just not in their heads experiencing what they experience.

If you could go into a room filled with people and everyone hung all of their troubles and their worse nightmares on the wall, you would choose to have your own troubles rather than someone else’s.

You’re blinded by another Great Illusion. YOU think God is something outside YOU, don’t YOU?

Of course YOU do. YOU imagine God being in Heaven or some place outside YOU. (FLASH: There is no Heaven (although there is an afterlife when you’re pure spirit again)! Sorry. I know that’s bad news for those of you who were hoping to help get in on with 72 virgins in Heaven.)

STAN: What did Goldberg mean by that? Do terrorists read this blog.
HARRIETT: No, all Jack’s Readers are brilliant and good human beings.
STAN: I read the blog.
HARRIETT: There are exceptions.

Well Readers, that’s it for now. This was only Part 1 of Why You Are Here on Earth. I will publish Part 2 tomorrow. Then, considering this is an important topic, there may be a Part 3 and 4. Who knows? If you’ve enjoyed this overly heavy topic, PLEASE let me know by leaving a comment on the blog. If not, and you’d rather that I concentrate on the funny side of life, leave a Comment that tells me that. And if you have absolutely nothing to say, then leave me a Comment and tell me that.

STAN: That doesn’t make a lot of sense does it? If we don’t have anything to say, we should leave a COMMENT.
HARRIETT: No it doesn’t make sense, but then again neither do you most of the time.
STAN: Hey, that means I could write a blog.
HARRIETT: You could. (HARRIETT HOLDS BACK HER LAUGHTER AT THE THOUGHT OF STAN WRITING A BLOG)
STAN: Yeah, but with my luck, Golberg would probably interrupt me like I do him.
HARRIETT:His name’s Goldenberg
STAN: Who cares? Goodnight Harriett.
HARRIETT: Good night Stan. See you tomorrow Readers.

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Besides, I think my Readers could use a little happiness. And I know they like secrets because one of my most Popular Blogs was about the secrets behind logos of famous companies.

To understand happiness, it helps to understand why some people are happy and some aren’t. Why are children happy, well, mostly happy?

Children are happy because they live in the PRESENT moment. And Living in the Present, in the HERE, in the NOW, is one of the Secrets of Happiness.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Children, generally, don't live in the Past or the Future. They live in the NOW and enjoy every moment of it.

Well, certainly not every moment. Hell, I had 3 older sisters. Enjoy that! (Writer's Note: They turned out great.) Oh, this is not a photo of me and my real sisters. They each wanted $25,000 and T-shirt rights to be in the blog.

For the most part, children are happy. They’re not worried about life, money, food or safety or what might happen in the Future.

Children are creatures of the moment and that’s a happy place to live.

Children who grow up and continue to live in the Present are happy adults. They appreciate what they have, they’re basically satisfied with how their life is turning out.

This picture really doesn't relate to anything. I just put it here because it makes what you're reading seem more interesting.

Who are the unhappy adults? The ones who live in the Past or the Future. When you constantly look in your rear view mirror at your past troubles or mistakes, fretting over “what might have been,” it’s impossible to appreciate what’s right in front of you.

Many Catholics and Jews live in the Past because they carry an inordinate amount of guilt. At least both groups have worked out ways to lessen their guilty feelings. Catholics go to confession. Jews eat cake.

“Forgiveness is when you give up hope of having a better past.” Dan Sullivan

In other words, you can’t change the Past, so stop putting so much (negative) energy into it.

Similar to people who live in the Past, when you live in the Future and say to yourself, “If only I had this or that, I’d be happy,” you fail to recognize and appreciate what you have now. You’re counting on something in the Future to make you happy. Good luck with that.

What happens when you pin your happiness on some event and you finally receive what you’ve been longing for? You’ll probably be happy at first. But it won’t last. It wears off over time and then you’ll be right back where you started, hoping for some Future event to make you happy.

As Booby McFerrin says, ” Don’t worry. Be happy.”

(Here’s a great version of Bobby McFerrin’s song, “Don’t Worry. Be Happy)

Money Won’t Buy You Happiness

Many people think money will buy happiness. It won’t. Sure, having money facilitates things, you can do more, you can have more. But sometimes when you have more, you want more and you’re back in the cycle of living in the future. There’s  great example of being satisfied with what you have in the Story, The Banker and The Fisherman, which I told in my blog on the untimely death of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. In the story, the fisherman has found one of the Secrets of Happiness, living a simple life.

STAN: He’s right. For the first time in his life, Goldenberg’s got it right.
HARRIETT: My God, Stan, pigs will fly and Hell just froze over. I’ve never heard you say a kind word about Jack. What was he right about?
STAN: He said money won’t buy you happiness. And he was absolutely right.
HARRIETT: I’m quite impressed, Stan. That’s a very mature attitude.
STAN: Nope, money won’t buy Jack’s Readers happiness. But it will buy mine. Readers should send all their cash to: Stan, The Imaginary Guy on Jack’s Blog, 128 Mackenzie Lane, Denville, NJ, 07834.
HARRIETT: Now that’s the greedy ignoramus I’ve always known.
STAN: I don’t disappoint.
HARRIETT: No, Stan you don’t.

So if money won’t buy you happiness, how can you achieve peace of mind and contentment?

Here’s a clue? It’s definitely not something outside you.

Jonathan Haidt, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, described the phenomenon of being HAPPY in this book, The Happiness Hypothesis, he wrote:

“Happiness has a very weak relation to events in our lives. Your happiness level is determined by the structure of your brain–not by whether good or bad things happen to you. Negative events hurt or feel bad, but they’re not usually as bad as we think and don’t last as long as we think. Happiness is an individual thing, like a thermostat in our brains with a baseline that’s predetermined by genetics.We all move up or down, around our set points, depending on life events. The key to the psychology of happiness is to move to the upper limits of your potential for happiness.”

Psychologist Abraham Maslow said there were 5 stages of happiness. (Later someone added 3 more stages. Guess he wan’t happy with the original 5.) We try to go through all of these stages, one at a time, and the higher you get on the scale, the happier you are.

Actually, Maslow didn’t call his chart The 5 Stages of Happiness. He called it The Hierarchy of Needs. But if I had called this blog post, The Hierarchy of Needs, well, it just wouldn’t have made my Readers happy. And I love happy Readers

Happiness as seen on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

In Maslow’s views, once we attain one level we try to get to the next higher level.

The first level deals with our Physiological Needs. These are our most basic needs. It’s hard to be happy when you don’t have food and shelter.
Safety Needs help us avoid danger. Master that level and move on up.
Social Needs address our connections to others.
Esteem Needs involve seeking and gaining approval and recognition.
Self-Actualization Needs involve self-fulfillment and realizing one’s potential. This is the TOP prize! 

You don’t see money or any luxury items on Maslow’s list because money, by itself, will not make you happy. But you couls be happy if you followed the advice of Baba Ram Dass that I mentioned earlier.

STAN: Harriett, listen, did you hear that?
HARRIETT: Hear what?
STAN: Goldberg said he told his Readers about Bab Ram Dass,
HARRIETT: So?
STAN: So he doesn’t mention Bab Ram Dass until later on in the blog. Don’t you get it? I knew something about the blog that Golberg didn’t know. This proves what I’ve been saying all along!
HARRIETT: What? That you’re real and Jack’s imaginary.
STAN: Yes! He’s just something I made up. And if I’m real, that means you’re real, too.

A big smile comes over Harriett’s face. Still smiling, and shakes her head in disbelief. She can’t believe what she just heard.. Then she laughs almost uncontrollably.
HARRIETT:  Well, of course, I’m real, Stan! What did you think? I’ve always been real. Jack, too. You’re the one who’s, who’s, well, imaginary.
STAN: Oh, no Harriett, you’re imagining things.
HARRIETT: Aren’t we all?

If you want to know more about happiness, check out an investment book called The Banker and the Fisherman by Ronald W. Rogé. It’s an unusual book that will not only make you happier, and it’ll make you a better investor, too.

Rogé recommends another book for understanding, appreciating and achieving happiness: Viktor E Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Considering that Frankl wrote the book about his life at Auschwitz living in a Nazi concentration camp, that’s quite an achievement.

Of course, Frankl was talking more about what gives one’s life meaning, but that, as you know, is related to happiness. He wasn’t speaking of a broad meaning of life, but of a specific mission we all have at any given moment when, as Georges Gurjieff put it:

You have nothing to do, but be.

(This, by the way, is the underlying principle of metaphysics–the importance of being rather than doing. Hard to understand, until you understand it.

Rogé also describes in his book a list a friend sent him about happiness. They could easily be 5 of the Seven Secrets of Happiness.

How to be Happy

1. Free your heart from hatred

2. Live simply

3. Free your mind from worries

4, Give more. (it’s one of Life’s great Mysteries that more you give, the more you get.)

5. Expect less.

As Baba Ram Dass (aka Dr. Richard Alpert) said in his famous book, “Be here now.”

Be

Here

NOW.

Do you have a right to be happy. Hell yes, it’s in the Constitution! How brilliant was Thomas Jefferson to write:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

America! What a great country!

STAN: Liar! Liar! Goldenberg’s trousers are on fire!
HARRIETT: What now?
STAN: Oh, nothing, really, just caught the no-talent writer in another lie. The blog is called The Seven Secrets of Happiness. But the G-man has gone way beyond 7  Secrets.
HARRIETT: And you’re not happy because he gave you too ways to achieve happiness.
STAN: Well, I wish there were just one Secret. It would be so much easier to remember if there were just one.
HARRIETT: If there were One important Secret of Happiness, don’t you think Jack would have revealed it.

Now that I think of it, there is one Secret of Happiness that trumps all the rest. Even if you just understand this one simple fact, you can achieve a happy, successful, fulfilling life.

The Most Important Secret of Happiness! (CLICK HERE, IF YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED THAT OUT ALREADY.)

Leave it the mop top boys from Liverpool to reveal the inner Secret of Happiness: All you need is Love.

Of course, there are many ways to achieve Love. You should start by loving yourself. Not blind Love. Not Love that overpowers others, but a genuine respect and admiration for yourself. Few people have it. Often something happens in childhood that throws us off our game. So many people have a hidden guilt, shame or lack of self-esteem they don’t share with the world, but it affects their actions, their relationships and ultimately their happiness.

We carry so much hidden baggage from childhood that we doubt our own self-worth. We shouldn’t. But once it becomes a habit, it’s tough to change.

Love of others can also increase your happiness. When you do a good deed, you just feel better. The Universe is very fair (at times!):                                                                                                The more you give, the more you get.

Love someone else. Love your kids. Love your job. Do something you love. They’ll all make you happy. They’ll all get you there. I get happy when I write my blog because I know some of my Readers appreciate it. I’m happier when I publish because it then I no longer have to continue writing it.

Finally, if you’re still unhappy, try this. Make a list of things that make you happy. You can keep it to yourself or leave it as a comment on the blog. Then get busy doinfg one or more of the things that make you Happy. It’s like exercise for your soul that will make you happy.

Thanks for stopping by today. Hope you can use some of this loing-winded blog to find a little happiness.

Before I go, I’d like to thank the 104 new Readers who’ve joined by blog since I last published. I would also like to thank my two Associate Producers of today’s blog: Tony Witlin for all the great ideas he sends me and Kevin Riley, my new friend at work, an IT whiz and a great guy for some technical help.

Happy Trails to you, Readers. Until we meet again.

STAN: Happy Trails to you? I know I’ve heard that somewhere before. Who said that?
HARRIETT: I think is was Jack.

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 ”A crab loses a claw. He knows he can grow another. So he does.
A man loses an arm. He knows he can’t grow another. So he doesn’t.”  Jackie Jordan

I used to see a wonderful man named Aaron Zeligman. Aaron was my guru. He taught me all the Important things in Life, like Love, Energy, Prayer, Metaphysics and the Power of Positive Thinking. Back then, I was living with The Warden, but we weren’t married yet.(Don’t tell her Mom. I think it’s still a sore subject.)

I used to come home from a one-hour visit with Aaron, and The Warden was positive I was high on something other than Life. (Which is silly, because I didn’t exactly lead a Chubby Checkered Life.)

I wasn’t high. I was just aware. It’s amazing how unmindful we can be most of our waking hours.

Aron was an 80-some year-old brilliant, funny Jewish man. His religion was important to him. And it wasn’t.

Arron’s religion was important because he was proud of his Jewish heritage.

His religion wasn’t important because

he was an advanced being who understood that all religions are just different expressions of The One, God.

So one day, I got permission from Aaron to bring The Warden with me and after the session was over, she walked outside Aaron’s house wearing the smile of an Angel and said,

“Everything is beautiful. Aaron is beautiful. You’re beautiful. Everything is beautiful.”

At least, that’s what I think she said. Now, that I’m thinking about it , it may be more like, “What the Hell was that all about?”

One of Aaron’s favorite sayings was:

“What the mind can conceive and you truly believe, this you will achieve.”

Aaron never claimed to have been first person to have penned that quote. He just lived by it.

 ”Never. Never. Never. Never. Never give up.”  Winston Churchill

“Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.” Winston Cigarettes

Napoleon Hill wrote the best seller, "Think and Grow Rich."

The Quote

“What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve”

has been correctly attributed to one of the earliest pioneers of self-help, Napoleon Hill. His book, Think and Grow Rich, is one of the best selling books of all time. He pioneered the idea that

Personal beliefs pay a powerful role in determining personal success.

You are what YOU think YOU are.

But it’s not so much, “You can if you think you can.” It’s more: “You can, if you think, you can.

In other words, just because I think I can be Indiana Jones doesn’t mean I can be him.

Hmmm. Or does it.

Indiana Jones as Jack

You see, “You can if you think you can,” implies you have to believe you can do something to actually achieve it. And I’m telling you, you don’t have to believe something consciously, you just have to accept it subconsciously. But you can use your conscious mind to trick your subconscious into believing anything

And that ol’ subconscious, why it will accept Anything and Everything. It has no choice.

The subconscious accepts Everything. It doesn’t Question.

Unfortunately, that means your subconscious also accepts without question all the negative things you tell it too. And, boy, do we all have 101 negative ways to say we’re not good enough. When in reality, we are. Well, not all of us.

Is it fair to have to sleepwalk through most of our LIves. ? Yup, it makes the Game interesting, because if you’re not a Player, you’ll never win.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. It is founded on our thoughts. It is made up of our thoughts. If one speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows one, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the wagon.

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. It is founded on our thoughts. It is made up of our thoughts. If one speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows one, like a shadow that never leaves. Buddah

That’s why affirmations are so incredibly important and powerful. Whenever you affirm “I am healthy, “ or “I am sick,” I am happy” or “I am sad,” you will be whatever you say you are. Your subconscious mind has no ability to discern what is good for you from what is bad for you.

Can you guess what the single most powerful words in the English language are? It’s: “I am.”

Moses was considered to have been the first person who heard God speak. When he climbed Mt. Sinai he heard God’s voice. I’m not saying he imagined it. Or even that he “heard” it inside his own head.

He heard God’s voice out loud and it freaked him out.

STAN: What is this Sunday school?
HARRIETT: Stan, show some respect.

Moses knew he had to go back down the mountain and report what he heard and who he was talking to, but he insisted on knowing Who or What was talking to him.  Moses needed to know because he knew his people would demand to know. So God replied,

 “Tell them, ‘I am that I am’ sent you.”

So there was God telling Moses that his name was I am, that I am. It’s was really a metaphysical clue that we are what we say we are.

Your subconscious mind can’t tell lies from truth. Everything it hears, it believes. Whatever you feed it, that’s what will grow. Feed you subconscious mind fear and worry, and you’ll attract fear and worry. Give it a more gracious diet and you’ll have a more gracious life.

Don’t ever let anybody tell you You can’t!

STAN: Goldberg’s right!
HARRIETT: First of all, Stan, his name is Goldenberg. And since he created you, it might be more respectful if you called him Mr. Goldenberg. Or Jack. Anyway, what do you mean he was right?
STAN: He’s right, people should do what they want. And right now I going to do what I want, 
HARRIETT: Stan, you’re cruising for trouble. Jack’s all powerful. At least where this blog is concerned.
STAN: I’m going to trick Golberg right here on his own blog.
HARRIET: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
STAN: I don’t care. Wait, I hear him. Quick let’s get outta here.

STAN GRABS HARRIETT’S ARM AND QUICKLY RACES OFF THE BLOG.

Where was I? Oh well, I guess that’s all for today. I have a funny feeling Stan has been up to something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe I’m just imagining things. (Hah, maybe I’m imagining Stan!)

I ‘d like to thank all the new Readers who’ve been joining 10 Minutes of Brillinace in record numbers lately and I hope you’ll come back the next time I post a blog.

Until then, remember, you are what you think you are and you are what you say you are. So if you want to change your Life, change your thinking.

More on that next blog when I reveal some METAPHYSICAL SECRETS for HOW TO USE YOUR BRIAN. Some of them have been carefully placed around this blog.

STAN: Did you hear that, Harriett? Goldberg said “Brian.” He meant to say “Brain.”
HARRIETT: I think you’ve embarrassed Jack enough today. Say Goodnight, Stan.
STAN: Goodnight, Stan.
HARRIETT: Bye, Readers. See you again soon, Stan.
STAN: Not if I see you first.

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I can understand why you might think some of my stories about meeting celebrities are not true. They seem so far fetched. Even to me! For instance, would you believe I gave World Championship boxer Muhammad Ali a ride in my car? Or that I interviewed Will Smith in his underwear? Or that a Hollywood party, I confused Clint Eastwood with God?

Well, you should believe those stories. They all true. Every last one of them.

STAN: You know what they say, “Truth is stranger than friction.”
HARRIETT: Nothing is stranger than you, Stan.
STAN: I’ll take that as a compliment.
HARRIETT: As it was meant, you ignoramus.
STAN: Thanks, Harriett. That’s two nice things you said about me.

When I look back on my CONTINUING career as an advertising Copywriter and a Creative Director, it makes me smile to think of some of the cool things I’ve done and the interesting people I’ve met. At one time or another, I’ve had close encounters with the following stars, superstars, moguls, icons:

Will Smith
David Letterman
Barack Obama
The Lone Ranger
Buzz Aldrin
Professor Irwin Corey
Bob Hope
Carey Grant
Clint Eastwood
Bill Cosby
Dizzy Gillespie

God (I didn’t actually meet him. It was Clint Eastwood.)

The Lone Ranger
Maria Kezha
Donald Trump
The Doublemint Twins
George Carlin
Dick Wolf
Pee-wee Herman
Run DMC
Liv Tyler
Maria Kazha
Hubert Humphrey
Rodney Dangerfield
Buffalo Bob
Matt Lauer
Gallagher
Bobby Brown
The Bangles
Erno Rubik
Spiderman
Flavor Flav

Close encounters with 31 superstars, pop stars, and fading stars

When I sat down to write this blog, well it didn’t make sense to stand, I could remember 31 close encounters I’ve had with famous people. Superstars, pop stars, movie and TV stars, comedians, singers, plus a business mogul, super hero, foreign beauty queen, ONE DIETY (well there is only ONE , you know), an astronaut, a President and Vice President and people who are tough to classify like Professor Irwin Corey, I enjoyed 30 of the 31 close encounters. Flavor Flav, now he’s another story. To be told in a future blog.

If STAN shuts up, I’ll cover about four or five close encounters I’ve had with pop celebrities (and even tell you about my own 14 seconds of FAME on the Letterman Show). If you’d like to hear about my escapades with any of the people we don’t get to today, just leave a comment on the blog.

Oh, but don’t ask about Carey Grant. No real story there. I walked him to his car after a PBS fundraiser. No big deal. Nothing interesting, unless you consider the fact that he’s tall and walks fast.

STAN: No? You’re kidding? He’s tall and walks fast? I find that incredibly interesting.
HARRIETT: You would Stan because you’re a first class idiot.
STAN: You think I’ve got class, Harriett? Thanks a lot.

Here’s a preview of some of my Life in the Fast Lane. We won’t get to all of them today.

I grabbed Donald Trump's wallet. (Trump agreed to be in this photo if we promised not to show his hair.)

At a Hollywood party, I confused Clint Eastwood with God.

Bill Cosby and I had dinner backstage with two Russian Beauty Queens

Dick Wolf slept at my house in Evanston, Illinois, and I went to his swanky parties in his Hollywood Hills home

Buzz Aldrin and I chatted about apparel, not about the moon

I met George Carlin at least four times, but I don't remember what we did

II The second time I met Clint Eastwood he threatened to throw me off a movie set. 

The most interesting star I ever picked up in my 1965 Mustang? Muhammad Ali.

STAN:  Liar, liar, pants on fire!
HARRIETT: Stan, you’ve got to stop embarrassing Jack in front of his Readers?
STAN: Why? He lied! They should know it!
HARRIETT: But you don’t know he lied.
STAN: C’mon, Harriett, you really think Goldberg met the world’s most notorious heavyweight fighter? Or that he gave him a ride in his car? 
HARRIETT:  Chill, Stan. Let Jack tell his story. Then we’ll see who’s got egg on his face.
STAN: I’ve got egg on my face?
HARRIETT: No, Stan, it’s just an expression.
STAN: Oh.
HARRIETT: Actually, Stan, you do have egg on your face.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I did give Muhammad Ali a ride in my 1965 Mustang. Here’s how it happened. The year was 1967. It might have been ’68. (It was the 60s. Who can remember?) I was sophomore or a junior at American University in Washington, DC. and I was in student government. One of my jobs was to take care of concerts and special events.

The World’s Greatest Heavyweight boxer was speaking to the student body at American and since I was in charge, I gave myself the plum job of picking up Muhammad Ali at the Washington National Airport. I think it was Washington National. Who can remember? It was the sixties.

The Champ arrived at the airport with an entourage of 8 men in dark suits with black hats, black ties, white shirts and no smiles. The Champ rode in my car and the 8 other men in dark suits with black hats, black ties, white shirts and no smiles crammed into the two cars behind me.

Most young people reading my blog probably won’t even know who Muhammad Ali was and is. After all, young people try not to concern themselves with history, geography, politics or anything that might get in the way of tweeting, texting or becoming mayor of someplace on Four Square.

I mean, if it’s not on a Facebook wall, Hell, maybe it never really happened.

Muhammed Ali was the world’s greatest fighter, winning the Heavyweight Boxing Championship three times and defending his title more than two dozen times. But he was just as great outside the ring as he was beating up opponents in it. He was a great showman and a poet, really the first sports star who was also superstar.

He defended civil rights with his words and his actions and he refused to join the army even at the risk of going to jail. In fact, back at a time when the “N-word” wasn’t called the “N-word” it was THE ACTUAL N-WORD, Ali used it himself to co-opt the term from the racists who couldn’t tolerate his success.

Here’s a great clip of Ali fighting with his fists and his mouth (PC Alert: This clip mentions the N-word several times. I apologize for that but history should never be covered up and racism was very much a part of America when Ali fought in the 1960s.)

STAN: Ought-oh, Harriett. I think Golberg’s ADD is kicking in. He may never get to the end of his story.
HARRIETT: Fasten your seat belts! We’re in for a bumpy ride! 

Ali said he was "The Greatest." He was.

Anyway, getting back to my story, here I am driving the world’s greatest prize fighter to the American U campus. Ali was silent for most of the 25-minute trip. And I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so after a few pleasantries, I was silent and so was Ali. That, in itself was amazing. The two loudest mouths in the Universe were suddenly silent.

But when we got to the gym where he was speaking, Ali got out of my car, closed the door, leaned in the open window and said, “ You don’t have much of a car for a white boy.” Then he smiled that infectious Ali smile.

I thought it best not to punch him out.

The Most Interesting Celebrity I ever confused with God.

Dick Wolf, former Copywriter, now mega-producer on the set of Law & Order

This is a BONUS “Close Encounters with a Celebrity” story, about not one but three celebrities, two you’ve heard of (Clint Eastwood and God), the third you’ve seen his name hundreds of times, but probably wouldn’t recognize him.  It’s Dick Wolf, TV’s most talented and most successful producer. But back before he created and produced 456 episodes of Law & Order, 248 episodes of Law & Order Special Victims Unit and countless episodes of Law & Order Criminal Intent…

STAN: Why are they countless episodes? Didn’t somebody count them.
HARRIETT: I would explain it to you Stan, but I think it’s above your pay grade.
STAN: I’m getting paid for this?
HARRIETT: Believe me, Stan, we’re all paying for it. 

Before Dick Wolf was a TV’s most prolific producer, he wrote and produced movies and before that he was a Copywriter working at Benton & Bowles with this Creative Director. Dick and I became friends when we both worked together in NY and when he moved to California, he used to let me stay at his house in the Hollywood Hills whenever I had to go out West to shoot a commercial.

God couldn't make Dick Wolf's Hollywood party. He was eating sushi and learning Mandarin in San Francisco. Who knew?

Clint Eastwood had so much charisma, I thought I had met God

Anyway, one night when I way staying a Dick’s house, he threw an intimate Hollywood party. There were 15, maybe 20 guests.

I had a great time at the party. There were a lot of famous people there, many I recognized, and some, I knew their face, but couldn’t remember their name.

The next morning we were having breakfast in Dick’s kitchen and I asked Dick something about the party that had perplexed me.

“I had an incredible talk with some guy on the couch last night,” I said to Dick. “He had charisma the size of a football field. His personality could fill the room. He looked so familiar, but I couldn’t place his name.”

“Do you have any idea who he was,” Dick asked.

“Well, it seemed to me it was either Clint Eastwood or God.”
“Oh, then it must have been Clint Eastwood,” Dick said, “because I didn’t invite God.”

I had occasion to meet Clint Eastwood again when I was in the movie Absolute Power which was partially shot in Baltimore, my hometown.

STAN: Goldenberger was in a TV show? Really? I doubt it.
HARRIETT: He wasn’t just in it. He had four walk-on roles.
STAN: This I’ve gotta see. 
HARRIETT: You can. Jack’s making a copy and when the mp3 file is ready, he ‘ll post it on the blog.

The most interesting actor/director and producer who threatened to throw me off a movie set? Clint Eastwood

I met Clint Eastwood a second time when he was filming a scene from the movie Absolute Power in Baltimore, MD.

STAN: Wait, didn’t he just say that?
HARRIETT: Quick. Get the Riddlin. 

Most of the shoot day, I saw Clint from a distance. After we finished the last scene of the day, I went to return the costume I was wearing, got dressed, and headed around a building to where my car was parked.

No sooner had I turned the corner when I saw Clint Eastwood. For a second, we both stopped in our tracks. I figured, “Great. This is the perfect time to tell him I met him at a Hollywood party and confused him with another Superstar, God (or if you’re Catholic, Jesus Christ Superstar.)

I started off the conversation with a simple ice-breaker, “You mind if I shake your hand?”

Clint said, “You could…

I offered him my hand.

Clint said, “…but if you touched me, I’d have to throw you off the set.”

Was he angry? Was he kidding? Would he really pick me up and toss me off the set?
I decided to move on without saying a word giving Clint a fake, but well intentioned smile. Later, I found out that Clint wasn’t kidding. There is actually an actor’s union rule that extras are not allowed to physically touch any of the actors or the director. If they do, they can be summarily “thrown off the set. ”

I was pretty sure that if I shook Clint Eastwood’s hand, he wasn’t really going to pick me up and throw me across the parking lot. Then again, I didn’t want to take any chances.

Getting my hands on Donald Trump’s wallet. Don’t try this trick at home.

Aren't you glad I have a picture of the stunning and beautiful Maria Kezha here and NOT Donald Trump?

I’ve already recounted in previous blogs how I met Maria Kezha, the last Soviet Union beauty queen. It’s a fascinating story about representing the Miss USSR Beauty Pageant and had breakfast with Donald Trump, dinner with Bill Cosby and even got to be on David Letterman Show back when he was on NBC.

My close encounter with Donald Trump took place in his office. I had convinced People Magazine to do a spread on the beautiful Soviet Union Beauty Queen while she was in town and I thought that a picture with Donald Trump and Miss USSR would have been a keeper and made it into People Magazine.

Two weeks earlier, Trump agreed, through one of his associates, to let the two Soviet Union beauty queens (Maria and First Runner-up Lauma Zemzare) stay at the Trump Plaza Hotel as his guest. So he was already aware of the Soviet beauty queens when he asked me, through his secretary, if he could meet them). I suggested that a perfect time would be in his office the day People Magazine was shooting our adventures in NYC. The two Soviet Union Beauty Queens, Donald Trump, two fashion model agents and I stood in a line to pose for a People photographer.

I was standing next to Trump and we all put our arms around each other to pose for the photo. Right before the shot was taken, I accidentally touched the back of Trump’s pants, right about where his wallet was. I turned to Trump and said,”Don’t worry, Mr. Trump, I’m not taking you wallet.”

Trump replied, “I’m not worried. And you’re not getting my wallet!” He didn’t smile. But when I look back on it, I think he was telling a joke. Nah, maybe not!

HARRIETT: Muhammad Ali, Clint Eastwood, God, Donald Trump. I think Jack’s running out of steam.
STAN: Wow, he runs on steam? I never would have guessed.
HARRIETT: No, Stan, he…Oh, never mind.

The most interesting star who ever called me a Liar? Matt Lauer

Before Matt Lauer became one of the lead hosts of The Today Show, he was a local reporter and anchor on NY’s WOR-TV. Back in the early 90′s (before the Internet was even a twinkle in Al Gore’s eyes), I got hired by Global American TV to help them promote the Miss USSR Beauty Pageant in America. The Pageant was a three-day affair and an amazing excess of bad taste. Except for the women who were stunningly gorgeous! Our eventual plans were to film the following year’s Miss USSR Beauty Pageant and televise it in the US with Billy Joel or Billy Crystal as an American host. And we would have done it , too, but our client, Russia, went out of business.

Hey, where in the world is Matt Lauer?

Anyway, I arranged for Maria and Lauma, the Russian Beauty Queen, to be interviewed on Live at Five, a local NY news show. Before the girls were to be interviewed, they had to go through a pre-interview with the show’s host Matt Lauer. The girls were scared. They had never been on live TV before and at the very moment Matt Lauer was interviewing them they froze and seemed to forget all their 8 years of schooling in English.

Matt wasn’t happy. You could see it in his face. He wanted to cancel the interview because he didn’t think the girls were up to it. In fact, since they couldn’t answer most of his questions, he was starting to question whether they were real, legitimate beauty queens.

Matt said to me, “I think you’re trying to put one over on us.”

“How’s that,” I asked.

“I think they’re fakes. These woman may be beautiful, but they’re certainly not beauty queens, ” Matt demanded.

“Of course they are? What do I have to do to prove it to you,”

“Show me the crown. Show me the crown, and then I’ll believe they’re real beauty queens.”

“Well that’s sorta silly,” I said. They don’t travel with a crown.”

I don’t know why, but Matt was convinced, at least enough to let the interview go on. They girls were great. They were lively, funny and their years of practicing English suddenly came back to them. Moments later they were live on the Dave Letterman Show. Who knew?

Well, Readers, and especially you new Readers, thanks for stopping by today. I hope you enjoyed my close encounters with stars and superstars and that you’ll join us again.

STAN: Wait. Wait. I have something to tell the Readers.

Haven’t you told the Readers enough,interrupting me every chance you got?

STAN: Oh, please, Golberg..

My name’s Goldenberg.

STAN: Whatever, I just need to remind the new Readers of one thing.

Oh, all right. I guess it can’t hurt. (I know I’m going to regret this.

STAN: Readers don’t forget to send me $10 for reading this blog! You MUST send me $10 if you read this blog! It’s in the Fine Print.

Stan, that’s just not true.

STAN: I know, it’s really $5. I was trying to get another 5 for Harriett. 

Say goodnight Harriett. Say goodnight Stan.

STAN: Goodnight, Harriett. Goodnight Stan!
HARRIETT: Goodnight, everyone. Y’all come back real soon. 

 COME BACK FOR 10 MORE MINUTES OF BRILLIANCE: MY NEXT BLOG IS ENTITLED,” DON’T EVER LET ANYBODY TELL YOU YOU CAN’T!”

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STAN: Ought-oh, I think Goldenberg’s playing for a new team.
HARRIETT: Stan, behave yourself.
STAN: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Now I know what you’re thinking. But I haven’t switched sides.

STAN: Damn, Harriett, how did Goldenberg know what I was thinking? How does he do that?
HARRIETT: Well, he does write most of what you say here.
STAN: I know. But not all of it.
HARRIETT: That’ll be our secret.

After all, the Warden and this humorous Creative Director have been married for 37 years. So that won’t change unless I get a reprieve from the Governor. And that’s not likely. I recently sent a note to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie asking for clemency. He ate it.

George Clooney was not a sell-out. He was a buy-out!

My fears about the world’s moist eligible bachelor (OK, that was a legitimate typo) finally getting married were allayed (poor choice of words here) when I found out Clooney wasn’t a sell-out. He was a buy-out. Like a lot of celebrities before him, George Clooney did a commercial for foreign TV with the hope his American audience would never see it. Jeez, I wish he did the same thing with The Men Who Stared at Goats.

Hoping that an American audience wouldn’t see something shown on foreign TV might have worked in the 50s, 60s, 70s amd 80s, but since mid 1995 anything shot and shown anywhere can turn up anywhere thanks to the series of tubes called the Internet. (Thanks, Al)

But old habits die hard. Ever since stars found out they could command a big paycheck for filming commercials overseas, they’ve said, “Oui,” “sì”, and “kyllä.”  Overseas gigs are the easiest way for celebrities to bank extra cash, francs or rubles without having a career meltdown.

George Clooney and his co-star, Billy G. Gruff, from the movie, "The Men who Stare at Goats," aka The Audience Who Stared at Paint Drying

When I heard the news that George Clooney got married, at first I was sad. But then I realized, he was just acting. Here’s the commercial that Clooney did for a bank in Norway.

Of course, Clooney wasn’t the first American actor whose agent protected their image and filled their wallet with foreign moolah. It’s been going on for years.

Nicolas Cage (real name: Nicholas Kim Coppola) is a great American actor. He’s been in 62 films, often playing a quirky, offbeat character. I don’t know if he’s ever been in a commercial on American TV, but he certainly hasn’t been in any spots for video games. Yet, Nicholas Cage had a yen for a series of Japanese commercials for the video game Pachinko. Here’s one of the many spots he filmed:

Here are a few more I thought you might enjoy. The first, Hugh Jackman for Lipton Iced Tea. Nice moves, Hugh.

What deodorant does Ben Afflack use? Don’t Axe me that again.

Even world famous painter Salvadore “Kosher” Dali got into the act. Here he is declaring,” I am just crazy about Lanvin Chocolate.

Obviously everybody has their own view of what is clever and brilliant. In my field, advertising, a commercial isn’t brilliant unless you remember the name of the product. I can’t tell you how many times…

STAN: Was it 37?

Was what 37?

STAN: Was it 37 times that someone told you something?

Stan, that doesn’t matter. That’s not the point.

STAN: Well, what is the point? For a humorous Creative Director, you seem to go on and on and never get to the point? You know, most blogs are 300-500 words. Yours, they’re like, 10 billion.

Ten billion?

STAN:  Maybe they just seem that long.

Look, I’m not going to get into a whole thing here with you. I have very intelligent Readers and they don’t seem to mind the long blogs.

HARRIETT: Just ignore Stan, Jack, I don’t think he took his meds today.
STAN: Hey, he’s the one hearing voices! 

All right, where was I? Oh yeah, brilliance comes in many forms. Here’s a brilliant commercial by the Norway office of Adecco employment agency. Knowing how jaded the current generation is about advertising, and how little attention they pay to it, they offered young workers a job they probably weren’t sure they could ever qualify for, Chief Executive Officer of Adecco. Watch.

10 Minutes of Brilliance and Humorous Creative Director Welcome New Readers

A very strange thing has been happening lately and I’m not sure why. In the last week, we’ve had a huge influx of new Readers. More in the last few days than we usually get in two months. What makes that so unusual is that I haven’t posted a new blog since the second week in August.

STAN: There, that proves it.
HARRIETT: Proves what?
STAN: That proves Goldenberg is a lousy, terrible, uninteresting writer?
HARRIETT: How do you figure?
STAN: Look at the facts. The less he writes, the more people like it.
HARRIETT: Well, not really.
STAN: No, really! Apparently people prefer that Goldberg not post a blog. They longer he stays away, the more Readers sign up. He ought to stop writing for a few years and he’d have tons of new Readers.
HARRIETT: Yeah, and who would voice your opinions if Jack weren’t here.
STAN: Sh*t, I hadn’t thought of that.
HARRIETT: Oh, Stan, you’re so romantic when you speak Italic.
STAN: My pasta. Your Fazool, Harriett. 

Here’s a thirty second spot that was almost brilliant. The spot itself is wonderfully executed. Only one problem. Who was it for? See if you can figure it out. Click on the link or paste it in your trousers to see the commercial. Wait, did I say trousers? I meant to say browser.

Click on this link >>Listening to wife showing interest

Well, I’m approaching 1,000 words so I don’t want to overstay my welcome. I know you’d stay around longer and I’ve got more to say, but my advisor, mentor, coach, friend, and chief tormentor Michael Yublosky, DIY WordPress Coach Extraordinaire will beat me to a pulp, over Skype, if I don’t LEAVE NOW!

On second thought, I can probably take Mike in a fair fight. Or at least an unfair one. The geezer guru is at least 80 years older than I am. I’ll just post one more topic, especially for my new Readers, and if Mike catches up to me, we’ll see who’s the boss, although I am pretty sure it was Scott Baio.

Five Golden Oldies Especially for New Readers and George Clooney

Here are a few of the more popular 10 Minutes of Brilliance blogs you may have missed. Actaually, I’m sure you missed them considering this is the first time you’ve been here. Older Readers (like the ones who eat at 4 PM) might be interested, too. 

Pillsbury Dough Boy’s Funeral Sure the famed icon is dead and gone. But with yeast, he will rise again.

How I Introduced David Letterman, Donald Trump, Bill Cosby and Matt Lauer to the Soviet Union’s last beauty queen Part 1  This is a true story

More Secret Things Hidden in Logos Well, I guess, by now, the Secret is out.

There are only 6 billion social networking sites. Here are 35 you should know. (Remember, this is just between me and Youtube.)

God Cancels End of the World. Holds Bikini Contest What a surprise! The World didn’t end.

We’ll Readers, that’s it for today. I owe an apology to my ace TV Reviewer, Ely Yublosky, for not running a TV Revue she wrote a while ago. It was current when she wrote it, but I took so long to write the next blog that it didn’t make sense to run it now. Please forgive me, Ely, and I hope you’ll write something for us on the New Season.

Don’t forget to leave a Comment if your liked today’s blog or have any questions about the blog, Stan or Harriett, suggestions or even criticisms. New blog within two weeks. From now on. I promise. Now say Goodbye, Stan.

STAN: Good-bye Stan.
HARRIETT: Good-bye, everyone. See you soon. Probably in two weeks.
STAN: Knowing Golberg, I doubt it.
HARRIETT: And now a word from our sponsor. 

If you’re interested in increasing the effectiveness of your advertising or social media marketing campaign, contact Creative Copywriter and Content Producer  Jack Goldenberg, or call 973-590-7343. Einstein and da Vinci are standing by to take your call.

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Hurricane Preparation Number 37: Tie down the dog.

I wasn’t going to post a blog today, but I thought my Readers, especially my East Coast Readers, deserve something better from this Creative Director than what other broadcasters and bloggers are putting on the tube and online right now: namely, “What to Do to Prepare for Hurricane Irene,” “What to Do When Hurricane Irene Hits,” and “Have you seen the dog?” “Yes, I put him out last night!”

Now, even though I’m not a drinker, everyone knows there are two “must haves” in any Hurricane Emergency Kit: beer and a flashlight. You need beer because, well, you might as well wash down a couple cold ones until the storm breaks. And, two, you need a flashlight because there’s a good chance the electricity will go out, and if it does, you’ll need a flashlight to find the beer.

You won’t get much hurricane coverage from this Creative Director

Hurricane coverage is, of course, quite important. But cable news and even local broadcast TV are so deep in their coverage of the misbehaving Irene that it seems like there’s nothing else worth mentioning. You know damn well some genius at Turner Classic Movies is preparing to air Gone With the Wind as soon as Irene heads out to sea.

Meanwhile, the World’s Number One terrorist, Muammar Gaddafi, still hasn’t been found. Humorist Andy Borowitz is pretty sure Gaddafi is hiding out in Myspace, but personally I think he’s holed up in an old Blockbuster, possibly watching a vintage Rodney Dangerfield flick like Caddyshack, saying to himself, “Yeah, Rodney, I can’t get no respect, neither.”

Of, course, Gaddafi probably said it like this:

“نعم ، رودني، لا أستطيع الحصول على أي احترام

Note: Arabic is a tricky language. While I think I said, “Yeah, Rodney, I can’t get no respect,” I might have said, “Who hid the Afikomen?”

HARRIETT: Stan, why are you looking at your watch?
STAN: I’m trying to see how long it will take Goldenberg to actually get to today’s topic.

But today, let’s cover something that has absolutely nothing to do with storm coverage of the hurricane. Let’s talk about the graduating class of 2015.

STAN: Hah! Leave it to Goldenberg to come up with an arcane topic like the college graduating class of twenty fifteen. You think any of his Readers give a damn about kids who are going to graduate four years from now?
HARRIETT: Now Stan, you know Jack. He’s a master at making anything interesting.
STAN: Well, I won’t hold my breath.

Oh, I know what you Readers are thinking. What’s so special about the class of 2015? It’s that their lives will be so different than most of my Readers’ lives. We know this because every August since 1988, Beloit College has released the Beloit College Mindset List, providing a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the lives of students entering college this fall. There are 75 items that show that the Class of 2015 is not just from another generation. They’re from another world.

Here are some of the findings that define the kids who will graduate in 2015:

Ferris Bueller is old enough to be their Dad.

Amazon is not a river, it's a virtual store.

When these kids refer to LBJ, they're talking about Lebron James

O.J. Simpson has always been looking for the killers of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

American tax forms have always been printed in English and Spanish.

These kids swipe cards, not merchandise.

When the Class of 2015 talks about John Wayne, they're referring to John Wayne Bobbit.

Jimmy Carter has always been a smiling elderly man who builds houses.

With the advent of cell phones, there's no such thing as calling Long Distance.

Arnold Palmer has always been a drink.

Home Economics no longer teaches cooking, instead it's Rachel Ray.

Andy Warhol is a museum in Pittsburgh.

Sam, Diane, Woody, Norm, Cliff and Carla have never frequented a bar in Boston during primetime.

First graders no longer tie their shoe laces. They can just snap them closed with Velcro.

 To see Beloit College’s complete list of the Mindset of the Internet Class of 2015, click anywhere on this Hyperlink.

Of course, we didn't have hyperlinks when I was a kid. That's why we used to hitchhike.

Thanks for joining this funny blog for the Hurricane Irene edition of 10 Minutes of Brilliance. Leave me a comment if you can think of things that differentiate your school year from the graduating class of 2015. And whether you’re a first time Reader or you’ve been with me from the start, remember that I LOVE to get Comments, even complaints, questions, witticisms, suggestions, poems, limericks, diatribes, jibes or anything else you’d like to leave as a Comment. It helps my SEO, that helps Google search bots find my blog more often, that increases my traffic, and that, my dear Readers, puts food on my table.

HARRIETT: Jack sure knows how to exaggerate.
STAN: Yes, he’s quite the liar.

Hope you all survive Hurricane Irene and are none the wetter for it. Once the storm has safely passed, say “Goodbye” with this well-known tune from one of my favorite singers, the REAL KING, Nat King Cole. Thanks for stopping by. Come back soon for tips on marketing, social networking and maybe even the Spanish American War. Nah. Probably not.

I’ve been blogging for 67 weeks.That’s 469 weeks if dogs blogged.

If you’re interested in increasing the effectiveness of your advertising or social media marketing campaign, contact Creative Copywriter and Content Producer  Jack Goldenberg, or call 973-590-7343. Einstein and da Vinci are standing by to take your call.

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STAN: No shirt, Sherlock! That’s pretty evident!
HARRIETT: Stan! Language!
STAN:  Sorry, Harriett, but it’s obvious Goldenberg has trouble coming up with brilliant ideas. It’s been over a month since the last blog. What’s the matter? Is he too busy to make his Readers happy?
HARRIETT: Sometimes Life interferes with what you want to do.
STAN: What’s got Golberg…
HARRIETT: That’s Goldenberg..
STAN: Yeah. Yeah. What’s got Golberg so busy he can’t put out a measly brilliant blog once a week?
HARRIETT: Well, it’s taken time to get his house back in shape after it was hit by a 100 ft. tree.

 

On April 27, 2011, a 100 ft. tree and Jack Goldenberg's house occupied the same space

 

HARRIETT: He’s been going into the city for some very revealing meetings…

NAKED COWBOY'S MOM TO NAKED COWBOY: So how's your job in NY going? NAKED COWBOY: Great, Mom, I had great exposure on Broadway. NAKED COWBOY'S MOM: So, you're still in show business? NAKED COWBOY: Yes, Mom, I show my business every day.

HARRIETT: He’s been tending to his garden.

These flowers are so gorgeous, they looklike they're from Cote de Fleurie Studio, but they're not. They're from Jack's garden.

HARRIETT: And he’s been stealing.
STAN: I knew it. Goldberg’s not only a lousy writer, he’s a thief too. It doesn’t surprise me.
HARRIETT: No, Stan. He stole third base last week when he played catcher for the Denville Blasters.
STAN: You sure they didn’t use him as a base?

July 27, 2011--Denville Blaster's catcher, Jack Goldenberg, slides into third base ahead of the throw

Today, I didn’t know whether to write about the hottest thing on the Web, Google+, Google’s new social network, or the cool new way to search on Twitter. Also, I’ve never announced the winners of the Win Some of Jack Cool Stuff Contest. That was over a month ago. It turns out there were only 3 Winners.

STAN: Hah!
HARRIETT: What’s the “Hah!” for?
STAN: Of course, there were only three winners. Only 3 people entered the Contest.

I also wanted to show you a YouTube video that’s a take off on West Side Story and a horrifyingly funny commercial I think you’ll like. And finally, I’ve got TV reviews from Ely, our ace pop culture critic in a new feature called, Ely’s Telly.  Since I couldn’t decide which topic to cover, I decided to write about them all.

STAN: Ahhh, the favorite choice of the ADD-addled brain: All of the above! I’m telling you Harriett, we’d better fasten our seat belt. It looks like we’re in for a long ride.

I’ll start with Phoenix West. It’s not a place. Well, all right, of course it is a place, but the Phoenix West I’m talking about is a person. One very cool person I interviewed with a couple weeks ago.

Now I knew Phoenix West was going to be a cool dude. (I know. I know. I’m waaaay to old to use the word, “Dude.”) I know Phoenix West was going to be cool even before I met him because he’s got such a cool and interesting name. It’s scientifically proven that a person’s CQ, Coolness Quotient, is directly proportional to how their name is perceived.

STAN: Is that true?
HARRIETT: No, of course not, Stan! Writers tend to embellish and Jack, well, he embellishes with the best of them.

Howdy Doody's leading lady, Princes Summerfall Winterspring

Take the leading woman on The Howdy Doody Show, Princess Summerfall Winterspring. How could you not be cool with a name like Princess Summerfall Winterspring? Come to think of it, Flub-a-Dub had a pretty cool name, too. Come to think of it, the entire cast had cool names. Phineas T. Bluster. Chief Thunderthud. Buffalo Bob. Clarabell the Clown wasn’t a bad moniker, either.

Flub-a-Dub was actually the stage name of Henry Baresford Tipton.

And when you look at the opposite end of the spectrum, the CQ still holds up. Would you go to a movie starring Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff and Roy Harold Scherer, Jr.? Of course not! Those names just don’t have any star quality.

Not quite as cool when you think of them as Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff and Roy Scherer, Jr, right?

But Doris Day and Rock Hudson, they have superstar written all over them.

STAN: He’s going off on a tangent again. Whatever happened to Phoenix West?
HARRIETT: Patience, Stan, patience.

Which brings me back to my meeting with Phoenix West. It turned out,  he’s working on, Guava World, a new slant on humorous programming on the Web. Lots of start-ups have gone bankrupt tring to put productions on the Web. But I think PhoenixWest  may be the first person to make it happen BIG TIME.

Great Content: You Tube Videos

The following videos were sent to me by my Ace Reporter in Florida, Tony Witlin, aka my college roommate. The first one, from CollegeHumor, is a terrific web parody about “the Sharks, the Jets and, a girl I just met, named Maria.”

Next up, a shockingly funny (and effective) commercial:

NEXT, A report from TVLAND: 

Ely’s Telly: Featuring Jerseylicious and Masterchef  

There are so many TV programs to watch it is mind boggling.  Every television season there’s the constant battle of what looks good and what does not. The following are a few of shows that I’m watching. They’re some of my favorites. They may not be yours.

If you’re into reality shows, then I recommend Jerseylicious on the Style network.  This is my favorite show. I cannot wait until Sunday comes to see the newest episode.  I was kind of turned off when I heard the show was about people that work in the Gatsby Salon in New Jersey.  When I actually watched it, I found out it was more about the interaction of the employees than about the salon business.

Last season the show was focused on the feud between salon owner Gayle and make-up artist Alexis.  The feud started when Gayle hired Alexis and made her a partner. Unfortunately (or fortunately for the viewers), the two did not get along. (Then again, would the show producers been interested in them if they did get along? I don’t think so.)

Alexis eventually left the Gatsby Salon to set up her own salon, the Glam Factory. In Season 2, Jerseylicious featured a constant and escalating battle between makeup artist Olivia and hair stylist Tracy. The two really go at it. For me this is exciting TV. I can’t wait until the next episode to see how the fight turns out.

Another show I like is Masterchef, on Tuesdays on Fox. It focuses on a competition to turn an amateur cook a master chef.  When the program starts, the amateur cooks make signature dishes for the three judges who are well known chefs themselves, Gordon Ramsey, Graham Elliot and Joe Bastianich.

When the signature dishes were sampled the best ones were selected and those cooks go through to the next level of competition.  Challenges weed the 20 something finalists down to 17.  Then each episode after that comprises of a challenge of some kind that requires a winner.  If the episode is a mystery box challenge the judges have picked a group of ingredients for the cooks to make a dish with.  The top three dishes that the judges like are chosen to be sampled and a winner is declared.

I am not a cook but I like to watch this because it does not focus on the cooking of it but the interaction of the cooks to each other and the judges.  Also it shows non-cooks things they might be able to create themselves. Lately, Masterchef, like the meals they’re cooking, is heating up. The outbursts by home cook Christian make it pretty interesting to watch that as well.

There are three other shows I’d like to tell you about: Switched at Birth, The Nine Lives of Chloe King and a lawyer show, Franklin & Bash. But I’ll save them for my next report. Until then, keep watching your favorite show, but don’t be afraid to try out a new show. You just might find a new favorite.

Ely Yublosky Bio
Ely Yublosky is Social Media Manager for JEM Consulting, a div. of A-BnC Parties and More, Inc.  She helps do-it-yourselfers edit pictures and videos.  Sometimes she helps people take pictures or videos if they are needed.  She also shares her knowledge as a WordPress tutor.  In her free time she likes to organize items: personal and computer files and even kitchen cabinet items.  Also she likes to watch movies and TV shows.  In fact her car license is TVNUT4.

And now, an apology

When I started today’s blog, I’d hope to give you some tips on the most exciting, new thing on the web, Google +. I also wanted to cover a great new way to search on Twitter and I wanted to give credit to the three Grand Prize Winners in the Win Some Jack’s Cool Stuff Contest (personally I heard the Winners were Readers Robin Wexler, Stuart Bernstein and Christina Ciani.) But, even for me…

STAN: And for me…
HARRIETT: And even for me…

…this blog has gone on long enough. Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate all the new Readers who have signed up and all my Readers who’ve been with me since the start. If you like what you’ve read, come back. If not, come back anyway. And be sure to leave me a comment so I know you’re still out there. What did you like about today’s blog. What could you have done without? I need to know, so don’t be shy.

I’ve been blogging for 66 weeks. That’s 462 weeks if dogs blogged.

If you’re interested in increasing the effectiveness of your advertising or social media marketing campaign, contact Creative Copywriter and Content Producer  Jack Goldenberg, or call 973-590-7343. Einstein and da Vinci are standing by to take your call.

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