Hi, Readers, my name is Jack. I’ll be your waiter today. I mean, your writer.
Today, we’ll start with News You Can Use. Did you know Mad Men is finally coming back? Then we’ll cover two new stores that just opened in New York. At The Husbands Store, you can buy the ideal husband. In The Wives Store, the ideal wife is for sale.
Then, there’s an expose on The Difference Between Men and Women. And we’ll follow that with a pie chart that explains Why Women Cry. And since women usually get the last word, we’ll close with a quote about men and women from George Carlin which puts women squarely back on top.
Today’s blog will no doubt offend both women and men. If I seem to be picking on women more than men, I hope you’ll remember that I support chicks’ rights.
But first, the News!
News You Can Use
RELIGIOUS NEWS AND FASHION
REALITY TV NEWS
NAPOLEON: Damn. Did you see that headline at the top of the bloig, “No one had SEX in the making of this headline?” I knew he’d try to pull something like that.
HARRIET: Like what? And who are you talking about?
NAPOLEON: Goldberg, Harriet. The guy who writes this blog. He’s such a hack. He has to put the word SEX in the headline just to attract attention. Gold-berg! (He delivers the last line the way Seinfeld used to say: “New-man!”)
HARRIET: First of all, you know his name is Goldenberg. Not Goldberg. I think you do that just to annoy him.
NAPOLEON: Like I care.
HARRIET LOOKS AT HER BLOG PARTNER MYSTERIOUSLY, LIKE SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT. STILL SHE CAN’T QUITE FIGURE IT OUT
HARRIET: Well, you should care. You wouldn’t even be in this blog, Stan, if it weren’t for Jack. He writes everything you say…
ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT DAWNS ON HARRIET THAT SHE’S NOT TALKING TO STAN. SHE DOES A DOUBLE TAKE.
(READERS: PLEASE DO A DOUBLE TAKE RIGHT NOW TO SIMULATE HARRIET’S MOVEMENT.)
HARRIET: Hey, wait a minute. You’re not Stan. Where’s Stan? What’d you do with Stan?
NAPOLEON: I didn’t do anything to Stan. He’e got another gig. He’s working on another blog. He asked me to stand in for him
HARRIET: Well, who are you?
NAPOLEON: I’m Napoleon.
HARRIET: Napoleon Bonaparte? The French military and political leader who rose to prominence during the latter stages of the French Revolution?
NAPOLEON: No, I’m Napoleon the pastry!
HARRIET: Seriously, how long will you be here?
NAPOLEON: I’m just filling in. I’ll be here until I get a call from the History Channel. They want me to invade a country so they can film it for an upcoming biopic.
HARRIET: Did Stan tell you anything about me?
NAPOLEON: Er-um, no. No. Nothing at all.
HARRIET: He didn’t tell you anything?
NAPOLEON: Nope. Oh, by the way, voulez-vous couche avec moi, ce soir?
HARRIET: Sure, but let’s go now. I think I hear Jack coming.
NAPOLEON: Me, too.
HARRIET: Magnifique, Bonaparte. Let’s am-scray!
Hey Readers. Here’s some retail news from Manhattan:
The Husbands Store Opens in New York City
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the husbands increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any husband from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husbands Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husbands Store.Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day.
The New Wives Store Opens in New York City
To avoid gender bias charges (or my Readers getting upset with me because I favor one sex over the other), the owner of the Husbands Store opened a New Wives Store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Top 10 Differences between Men and Women
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom–a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Men use rest rooms for purely biological reasons. Women use rest rooms as social lounges. Men in a rest room will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Women like to have sex when they’re in the mood. Men like to have sex when they’re in the room.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweat shirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Stinky.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
NAPOLEON: Is it my imagination, or is Jack a little sexist? He seems to be picking on women more than men.
HARRIET: Oh, give him a chance. He’ll come around to our side pretty soon. You know, it ain’t over ’til the fat man sings.
NAPOLEON: Oh, I get it.
SFX: THE PHONE RINGS ON THE BLOG. NAPOLEON ANSWERS IT.
NAPOLEON: Hello, this is Napoleon. Who’s calling please?
NAPOLEON PUTS A HAND OVER THE PHONE AND TALKS TO HARRIET.
NAPOLEON: It’s the History Channel. They want me to come over right away.
HARRIET: Oh no, do you have to go? I was just getting used to you.
NAPOLEON: That’s not the real problem. Goldberg’s got a writer’s block and he can’t come up with anyone to replace me.
HARRIET: Whaddya’ mean? I can’t carry on a conversation on this blog all alone. I need someone to bounce off of.
NAPOLEON: Can’t help you there. You’ll just have to wing it.
HARRIET: I guess so. Au revoir, mon Emperor. As Jedd Clampett used to say on The Beverly Hillbillies, “Y’all come back now, you hear!”
NAPOLEON: Later. Gator.
ALL OF A SUDDEN HARRIET IS ALONE ON THE BLOG. BUT HARRIET, BEING A RESOURCEFUL IMAGINARY CHARACTER, HATCHES A PLAN TO REPLACE STAN AND NAPOLEON UNTIL ONE OF THEM RETURNS.
HARRIET LOOKS DIRECTLY AT THE READERS.
HARRIET: OK, Readers. It’s all up to you. I’ve got nobody else to turn to. I need one of you brave, intelligent Readers out there to suggest a substitute imaginary person I can interact with, talk to, and maybe even have some fun with. I’m counting on your Readers, but I know you’ll come through. After all, you’re brilliant Readers of 10 Minutes of Brilliance. Just leave a comment for who you think should apear here next. Please, please, don’t let me down.
And now a final word from George Carlin:
That’s it for today Readers.Thanks for stopping by. Jack