Today’s blog contains:
1. The #1 Reason to Never Move to Florida
2. Obituary, Tony Verna, Inventor of the Instant Replay
3. The Top 10 Best Signs of 2014
4. View from Tony’s Backyard- He’s So Hip, He’s Fleek!
5. BREAKING NEWS! Never-Before-Seen Footage of the Epic New York Blizzard of 2015
The Number One Reason to Never Move to Florida!
At the end of December, I went to Naples, Florida for my middle sister’s birthday party. I don’t usually use my family’s real names in 10 Minutes of Brilliance, so for the purpose of this blog, let’s just called her Rainy. Besides that my sister’s name, Rainy. It’s short for Lorraine.
Rainy’s birthday party was a 2-day event shared with relatives and many, many of her friends. I’m telling you all this because even though I had a terrific time in “the Sunshine State,” I have unearthed for you, my Readers, why you should never ever move to Florida. And if you’ve moved there recently, I’ve got an excellent reason to pack your bags and head home.
Politics is one reason you might not want to live in this most southern “Red state.” When I was in Florida, the county legislature was considering a ban on same-sex marriage. Twenty one states and the District of Columbia have passed same-sex marriage laws. Even the Bush-packed Supreme Court will most probably make same-sex marriage the law of the land this year when they rule on its constitutionality.
Still, some Floridians believe homosexuality is a choice and only reprogramming will fix the situation.
And when I say “reprogramming,” I’m not talking about using your DVR!
Still, political views aren’t the #1 reason to not move to Florida.
I also read when I was there that one of Florida’s counties was considering banning books. Now, I don’t know what books they were planning to burn, but that’s so fascist and un-American, it defies description. Still, making sure books conform to some people’s sense of morality is not reason enough to never move to Florida. Although it is close.
Before I reveal the #1 reason to never move to Florida, I’d appreciate if you’d make sure the kids have left the room. It’s gonna get ugly. And before I tell you the horrifying reason you should never move to Florida, let me warn you: you can’t un-see or un-think what I’m going to say. It’s like that video of Chris Cristie hugging Dallas Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones. Once you’ve seen it, you can never get it outta your head.
So really, you may wish to leave the room, too. No problem. I’ll wait.
But if you do stay, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Here goes. Please make sure your are seated and not using heavy machinery. Ready?
Florida has combined pet and car washes!
That right, you can have your Honda Civic cleaned and shined at the same time you can wash and wax Fido, Jasper or Rin Tin Tin. (What kind of name is Rin Tin Tin, anyway?)
I admit I was too frightened to see this horrible event in person, so I confess, at first, I didn’t actually witness it first hand. I can only imagine how it works.
Do they just ask you to open your back window while Rover gets sudsed up, watered down, blow dried with those giant blowers, then wiped dry by six foreign nationals? (Press #2 if you can say Green Card in Spanish.`)
Or do they actually hook your favorite doggie onto some small sled, then whisk him through the water, suds and wind tunnel behind a Hyundai Sonata and in front of a Volkswagon Beetle.
It appears you don’t even need to be a human to wash and clean your pet canine. Apparently, dogs can bring other dogs to Self-Serve Dog and Car Washes where one dog hoses down another! For an extra $5, they can add undercoating.
Personally, I think that’s a rip off. Sorta like one-hour Martinizing!
Being human, I had trouble getting into the Pet Car Washes. Even after disguising myself! But finally, I had to see the Self-Serve Dog Wash for myself. So I bribed a German Shepherd to let me into the Self-Serve Dog Wash on Route 66.
At first, I offered him a 10 spot, but he refused. He only wanted Bacos, Kibble ‘n Bits or Gravy Train. I barked like a Basenji, but he wouldn’t budge. He also wouldn’t Sit. Fetch. Or rollover either.
I’ll show you evidence so you can see for yourself what this dog eat dog world has come to. Look at this little Jack Russel Terrier with his nose pressed up against the glass in the Self-Serve Dog Wash on Rte. 66. (If any of my Brilliant Readers are dog lovers or if they are actual dogs, I would appreciate knowing the breed of this dog.
STAN: What kid of an ending was that? Goldenboy su*ks. He couldn’t even craft a proper ending.
HARRIET: Stop complaining, Stan. Or Jack will kick you right off the blog. Now let’s go on.
STAN: Well, I have to give Goldsboro some credit.
HARRIET: Not Goldboro, Stan, Goldenberg. Jack Goldenberg. You’ve been on his blog for 4 years now. You should know this name by now!
STAN: Aw, don’t give me that cr*p, Harriet. Don’t start saying Jack Goldenrod is real and I’m imaginary.
HARRIET: You aren’t real, Stan, Jack writes everything you say.
STAN: Oh, so I’m imaginary, huh?
STAN TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT WHILE HARRIETT STARES AT HIM IN AMAZEMENT. THEN HARRIET REMEMBERS, ”Oh, well, yeah. I forgot Stan isn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the Crayon factory.”
STAN: Hey, Harriet, imagine this!
STAN STARTS TO TAKE DOWN HIS PANTS.
HARRIET: All right, all right, Stan. Please, leave your pants on! This is all-family blog. Let’s get back to how this thing started. You said you were going to give Jack some credit. What did you mean?
STAN: Just that for once in his sad little blog life, he didn’t take the low road. You know, most writers publish a Top 10 List chronicling things from the previous year. I’m just surprised Goldman didn’t resort to one of those year-end Top 10 Lists. That would have been weak. And demeaning.
HARRIET: If Jack had any Top 10 Lists for 2014, I’m sure he would have published them by now.
STAN: So, I guess he’s not a total loser after all.
The Top 10 Best Signs of 2014
Everybody in the media and their Smother’s brother has a 2014 End of the year Best and Worst of EVERYTHING list.
Since I don’t want you, my Readers, to be left out, I felt compelled to compile a list of The 10 Best Signs of 2014. According to, well, me. Here they are:
Views From Tony’s Back Yard-The Man is so Hip, He’s Fleek!
I was really happy Tony W. and Alan F. (not their real initials…maybe) were my college roommates for my senior year at American University. Both of them were so COOL, I was sure some of it would rub off on me. It didn’t!
Alan was a great dresser and Mr. Cool about Everything. Some people just can’t help being COOL.
If Alan was COOL, Tony was Ultra-COOL. As his roommate, I planned on being Ultra COOL by association. No such luck.
I saw Alan and Tony a few years ago at a fraternity reunion. They still had it. In fact, they were so cool they were fleek.
Fleek? Fleek? What does not “fleek” mean. You don’t think that’s a word, do you, my Brilliant Readers? After all, you’ve never heard it before have you?
Fleek? I must be kidding.
Well, Fleek is a word, in fact, it’s so cool and hip, it’s only just starting to catch on. It means “on point, or “totally authentic.”
Only the in-crowd of the in-crowd even bothers to use it. Well, that was true at first. But now the Madison Avenue spies working for Denny’s have used the word “fleek” in a tweet to describe their hashbrowns. Denny’s, huh? Can’t imagine anything cool coming out of their kitchens!
STAN: Look, Harriet. Goldberg’s losing it. It takes him waaaay too long to get to the point.
HARRIET: And your point is?
STAN: Why not just say to his Readers, “I saw some cool photos. Would you like to see them?”
HARRIET: And that’s how you’s do it, huh, Stan?
STAN: Damn straight, Harriet! It’s pretty fleek of you to notice.
HARRIET: So why don’t you introduce those photos. I sure you can be just as engaging as Jack. (HARRIET, TONGUE IN CHEEK, LAUGHS TO HERSELF.)
STAN: OK. Sure.
STAN: Attention, Readers! Get off your fat a** and listen up. Truth is, Jack’s friend and college roommate. Tony, didn’t see a damn thing from his backyard. Except maybe Sarah Palin looking at Russia.
STAN: Face it. Goldberg’s is a liar. A lazy, good for nothing, no-talent writer who….
HARRIET: All right Stan, that’s enough. I’ll take it from here. What Stan was trying to say is the top photographs on the year can now be viewed online. Showing them on Jack’s blog doesn’t do them justice. To see these award-winning photos of 2014 from National Geographic (Hi Eric L, now put away those National Geos and finish your homework!”), go to this link on Buzzfeed. The shots are really incredible!
STAN: Or paste this link below into your trousers!
Here’s one of them. It’s called “A Well-Earned Rest,” shot by Evan Cole. It was shot in the Sahara Desert, Unfortunately, the format of this blog doesn’t allow us us to display it properly.
HARRIET: There, Stan, was that so hard?
STAN: You want me to answer that?
HARRIET; No, I guess not.
BREAKING NEWS! Never-Before See Footage of the Epic New York Blizzard of 2015
In NY, they called it Epic! Historic! The Blizzard of the Century.! And though you might have heard on TV it fizzled out in The Big Apple, you’ve just been watching the wrong channels. Her’s how the epic New York Blizzard of 2015 was captured on film. Er, make that video.
Well, that’s all for today you fleek Readers of 10 Minutes of Brilliance. As always, I appreciate your stopping by. I’ll try to blog more often.
STAN: I’ve heard that before.
But I guess I’ve promised you that before. Look, maybe I can get Stan to help. It’s about time he added something constructive to my blog.
STAN: That’s not gonna happen anytime soon, Goldenboy. I’m your perfect foil, your alter-ago. I say the things you never could say. You’d be lost without me.
I’d still have Harriet.
STAN: Harriet? Harriet? Hah! She’s not even real, Goldman. Like you, she just something I made up.
NARRIET: So, I guess you made her up so you have someone to talk to.
STAN: Well, yeah that, and to have sex with.
Oh, not when you’re here. We just do it when you’re offline.
That’s enough. Now, say goodnight, Stan!
STAN: Goodnight, Stan!
Goodbye, Readers. Thanks for the use of the hall.
Rin Tin Tin, who was rescued in France during WWI by an American soldier, was named after a French puppet that children would give the soliders for good luck. Enough said about French puppet naming–the intention was good.
How did you forget conceal and carry for reasons to avoid FL? Not too open to humor, I guess. Enjoyed the column!
Brilliant…as always. Florida is really two places. South Florida from Palm Beach to the Keys and South Georgia which is everywhere else.
Always enjoy your colums Jack! BTW, you can see reruns of Rin Tin Tin on Antenna TV, Saturday afternoon. 1pm I believe. A lot of cable companies now carry Antenna.