Here are today’s topics: 1. Breaking News! Why I met with Kellyanne Conway 2. Yuri Gridniev’s First American Logo 3. Seven Places You Won’t Find on Google Maps 4. Headlines Written by Headless Headline Writers
STAN: Oh, no! Liar, liar, pants on fire. Goldman’s trousers are aflame! Again!
HARRIET: Stan, what in the blazes are you talking about?
STAN: The headline, Harriet! Goldman lied. He claims he met with KellyAnne Conway, Trump’s top advisor. There’s no way on Earth Goldman met with her.
HARRIET: Goldman, Stan? Goldman? The guy who writes this blog’s name is Goldenberg. Jack Goldennberg. You know that Stan! I’ve told you that for seven years. Goldman, I mean Goldenberg, created you. You’re not real. The least you can do is get his name right.
STAN: Yeah, the least Goldfarber can do is to tell the truth. I bet the picture below was faked.
HARRIET: Well, I’m sure if Jack said he met with Kellyanne Conway, he really did. Oh, he stretches the truth a little. But he never lies. Let’s see how he explains this one.
STAN: I’m not holding my breath.
HARRIET: Good idea, Stan. You don’t have any breath. You’re not real, remember?
STAN: Oh, yeah, right. I forgot.
HARRIET: Shhh. Here come Jack now.
Hey, Readers, sorry I was late. Usually, I look forward to writing blogs. Not this time. Posting anything about Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump is akin to a death wish on the Internet. I know I’ll be criticized from both sides of the political aisle.
The Left will castigate me for consorting with the Enemy.
The Right will find fault with my views because there’s no way I could write about living under Presidents Bannon and Trump ) without lamenting the loss of truth, justice and the American way. (Where’s Dick Cheney when we need him?)
With America as polarized now as it was during the Civil War, it’s hard to imagine any idea that would be championed by Republicans, Democrats and Independents.
But I thought I just might have an idea to help a select group of American–Veterans–that everyone could agree on.
So in December after the insurrection, I mean, the election, I worked my way past armed police, the National Guard, the Secret Service, the metal detector and the doorman at Trump Tower with the singular goal of giving Kellyanne Conway an idea I had that has the potential to raise $2 billion for Veterans.
I knew the odds of even seeing Kellyanne Conway were pretty slim. And even if I caught a glimpse of her at Trump Tower, I probably wouldn’t get close enough to hand her an envelope on which I had described my idea.
I chose to help Veterans with my $2 billion idea for two reasons. Ever since the Viet Nam War, we’ve treated the men and women who fight to keep us safe very poorly. Every President promises to give them better care, but no president since Eisenhower has delivered on that promise.
I also wanted to help Veterans because I thought my idea might get bipartisan support. Pick a topic, almost any topic, and you’ll find as much opposition as support. But supporting Veterans is a cause all Americans could wrap their arms around and support.
I didn’t have too much trouble talking my way into Trump Tower (what a ruse, I said I was going to Starbucks). Then I positioned myself with a couple dozen members of the media. In the media scrum were cameramen and reporters from CNN, the NY Times, the Wall Street Journal, Fox News, Reuters, and me. From 10 Minutes of Brilliance.
I waited with the national and international press for about an hour before the woman who will always be remembered for coining the phrase ‘Alternate Facts” descended down the elevator from the penthouse.
As the media fired up their cameras, I walked under some protective ropes and approached Kellyanne. “I have an idea that can raise $2 billion for Veterans,” I said.
“Terrific, I’d love to hear it,” said Kellyanne.
“Well, I wrote it up here,” I said, handling her an Einstein da Vinci and Goldenberg envelope.
“Great, I’ll read it and have someone get back to you.”
I took a photo with Kellyanne and started to walk away when she noticed my Hillary for President watch. “Where’d you get that?”
I had already told her in our brief “meeting” that I made Obama and Hillary watches, but I certainly understand she was more concerned with presenting the next foreign head of state to President-elect Trump than in specifics about the election memorabilia I’ve created.
So I just said, “I make ’em. Would you like one?”
“I would,” she said. “That’s very gracious of you.”
She thanked me, then disappeared into the elevator escorting the Prime Minister of Who Knows Where upstairs.
Now, I know she might have gotten on the elevator, turned to a Secret Service Agent, and handed him the Hillary for President watch and said, “Here. Blow this up!”
Or, she might have shown the watch to Donald Trump and the two of them had a great laugh at Hillary’s expense.
But, I prefer my own version. In the video that’s rolling around in my head, Kellyanne takes the watch and stashes in under her pillow when she get back to wherever she is living.
Then, late at night, when she knows no one is around, she secretly takes it out and looks at it with a flashlight under her covers thinking, “Damn, Hillary. Why couldn’t you have won? My life would have been so much easier.”
Note to Readers: In my next blog, I’ll describe my idea of how to raise $2 billion for Veterans. And what Kellyanne’s response was
Yuri Gridniev’s First American Logo: An Update
Imagine you decided to move to a New Country tomorrow. Like Botswana. Or Papua New Guinea. Or some country with such a weird name you couldn’t even pronounce it. Like Canada.
All right, maybe not Canada, but you get the picture.
Everything would be New to You. Foreign. Strange. The food, the money, the people, the customs, the TV programs, the jokes, the songs, the housing. The whole kit and the kaboodle.
All right, maybe not the kaboodle.
If you read a recent 10 Minutes of Brilliance blog (and you should have, damn it!), you’d know I described what Life was like for my friend Yuri Gridniev when he moved to the US a little over a month ago from his native country, the Ukraine.
Yuri came to America two days before Christmas with wife, Olena, and one of his sons, 9-year old Bogdan. Pretty much all he packed for his new adventure in America was a Suitcase full of Dreams.
It took him years to get his Green Cards approved for three members of his family and still he had leave his other son, Vitaly, home in Kiev.
So what would you do to live and prosper in a strange new world?
Well, if you had the courage, determination and a “This Is My Dream and I’m Gonna Make It Happen” attitude like Yuri, you’d do anything and everything you had to do just to keep one half step ahead of tomorrow.
STAN: You’d think Goldenwasser could write something positive about his friend Yuri’s new life in America. His tales are so dystopian ( Look it up, Readers!)
HARRIET: Not at all, Stan. I know Jack. His stories usually have a positive ending. Just wait
Yuri came to America to be an Art Director/Creative Director, the same job he had back home. (Note: The job of Importer/Exporter was already held by Art Vanderlay, aka George Costanza.)
Before I tell you everything Yuri had to go through to get his first paid project in his new country, I wanted to show you the logo he created for his first American client, The Actors Hall of Fame. The Actors Hall of Fame promotes the dramatic arts in schools and they are involved in many other programs, like producing Shakespeare for the huge Chinese and world movie audiences and inducting top actors in the Hall of Fame.
KUDOS! is a global ‘review’ aggregator, sort of like Rotten Tomatoes or the critics’ section of Fandango, but with a difference. Instead of having the public or critics review entertainment, KUDOS! reviewers are the professionals involved in those entertainment genres, anyone directly involved with movies, TV or theatre.
The Actors Hall of Fame was thrilled with Yuri’s logo and honored that it was the first one he produced for an American audience. They plan to use his talent again the next time an opportunity presents itself. Recruiters who want to contact Yuri can click here: Yuri Gridniev
A number of Readers contacted me about how Yuri was faring on his first month and a half in America. So here’s an abbreviated list of some of the things Yuri has had to conquer, endure and, in some cases, enjoy on his first month and a half on our shores:
First flight across the Atlantic.
First greetings, “Welcome to America!”
First unforgettable impressions.
First talks with American people at the airport.
First American photos.
First very expensive taxi from Kennedy International to the hotel in Newark. The driver ripped him off, overcharging for tolls.
First search for and use of an ATM to get cash. The hotel wouldn’t honor his foreign Visa credit card.
First expensive payment to stay at the hotel for his first night in America.
First night NOT sleeping at his hotel. (Beds probably imported from the Soviet gulag.)
First night at the hotel without supper. (Trust me. You would have eaten there either.)
First meeting with an American friend (the handsome, affable and brilliant Jack Goldenberg)
STAN: OK, now I know Goldberger wrote that.
First American breakfast–pancakes and smoothies (two of the four food groups!)
First gift from an American–an American flag for Bogdan.
First gift to an American. The Gridniev’s brought me a gift from their home country. A Ukranian bulova, the symbol of potent Ukrainian power.
First time Yuri saw his wife cry in America. The Ukrainian bulova survived the 4,400 mile journey only to fall out of the bag and break on the way to the elevator.
First promise Yuri’s wife made to an American. “I promise to get you another.”
First American lunch. Now I know lunch doesn’t sound like such a big deal–even in a foreign county. It was just lunch, right? But what if your whole life you ate lunches of Potato Varenyky, Cabbage Borscht, and Holubtsi. Would you really be that happy with something called BLT?
First excursions in a friend’s car.
First visit to an American Bank.
First rejection by an American bank.
Success! First American bank account and debit card.
First buying of a US sim card.
First meetings with his relatives by skype.
First time renting a decent hotel room.
First American Christmas.
First American television channels.
First family walks near the hotel.
First American headache. Searching for long term rental.
Surviving first strange American shock. Yikes! Every rental place closed Christmas Eve.
Second strange American shock. Every place closed on Christmas Day. No problem. Yuri will just visit the rental office on Monday.
Third straight American shock. Offices closed on holiday Sundays aren’t open on Monday.
First difficult issues with his credit history, social security cards,green cards, jobs, and cosigners.
First new American friends.
First look on the Statue of Liberty, from afar.
First Metro card.
First trip by Path to the New York City and Manhattan.
First 2 nights on the friend’s yacht.
First sick and searching for pharmacy.
First impressions and experience on how to be a sea wolf. (OK, I’m not positive, but I have the feeling Yuri made this up just to goof on me.)
First house for the long term living.
First International New Year in America celebrated with international traditions from Ukraine, Russia, Belarus, Great Britain, China, and the Dominican Republic.
First favorable things: electric kettle, microwave, and a fridge.
First trip by using GPS to NYC.
First job interview in New York City.
First visit to Baskin Robbins cafe. (Jeez, what must food be like in the Ukraine if Yuri is calling Baskin Robbins a “cafe?”
First Starbucks coffee.
First obstacle to entering his son to American school school.
First tests to enroll his son in an American school, successfully passed with his strong English results.
First buying of school uniform and stationery.
First meeting with a school principal and first teachers.
First American homework for his son.
First search for English Lessons for his wife.
First job search training with highly skilled Career Advisors.
First business lunch in New York City.
First BIG break in America. Yuri gets hired to do a logo for the prestigious Actors Hall of Fame.
7 Places You Won’t Find on Google Maps
Google Maps is an indispensable tool for getting from HERE to THERE. One complaint besides the misdirections, it’s very hard to fold up and put it in your glove compartment.
But for all places Google Maps can take you, there are a number of places you won’t find on Google Maps. Here are a few of them.
Killer Beers, Potato Bugs and Bears, oh my!
Early Internet Connections 1969-The Porn Industry Will Be Forever Grateful.
The technology that ushered in the Internet was called ARPANET, an academic research project funded by the Advanced Research Projects Agency. Curiously, this branch of the military funded ambitious research projects that didn’t have any immediate commercial or military applications. The network only connected the University of Utah with three research centers in California.
Countries that don’t have two all beef patties,
special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and
onions on a sesame seed buns
In 41 of 50 states, football coaches are the highest paid public employees
The United States map of the most popular brands
The United States of Shame- Grading states on what they’re the worst at
The United States of Google-what each state Googled the most
Headlines Written by Headless Headline Writers
Sometimes people with no heads write headlines. Hey, it happens. (Sometimes they’re even elected President!) These headlines were borrowed from Boomspeak, an ingeniously clever and well-written site for Baby Boomers written by Baby Boomers. Boomspeak is one of the only blogs I read. Heck, sometimes I don’t even read my own blog.
STAN: Well, that’s pretty obvious from all of the typos.
Here’s are real headlines courtesy of Boomspeak:
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Well, Readers, thanks for stopping by. I know Readers abhor leaving Comments (except you: Jeff, Leslie, Steve, Bingo and Barry), so would you do me a favor and just click on any of the SHARE or LIKE buttons. Last time we checked, over 24,000 people subscribed to 10 Minutes of Brilliance. We kicked a number of our subscribers off our e-mailing list because we weren’t positive they were real people.
So if you are “Real People” please like this blog or share it so we know you were here. Thanks! Jack