Welcome to 10 Minutes of Brilliance
Today’s blog will cover a lot of subjects, so fasten your seat belts (and no texting). Today, we’ll cover:
1. Amazon’s Promises Speedy New Delivery Program,”Order Today. We’ll Deliver It yesterday!”
2. Airbnb’s Most Surprising Rentals
3. The Difference between Me and the NY Times
4. 10 Rules for Being Human
5. And now, for the Hard of Reading, a Few Photos
6. Goldenberg Retires. Goldenberg Comes Out of Retirement.
7. How to Help your Dog Live Longer
8. WARNING! Don’t read any further! This is a stupid, boring blog. It would be much better if there was more about STAN and less about Goldfarb!HARRIET: Stan, I can’t believe you just did that.
STAN: Did what?
HARRIET: You know what.
STAN: I didn’t do nuthin’.
HARRIET: You did, Stan. Don’t lie! You just warned Jack’s Readers not to read his blog.
STAN: I didn’t touch Goldman’s blog.
HARRIET: Goldman? Why do you always get Jack’s name wrong? You should know it by now, Stan. You’ve been on this blog for 8 years!
STAN: Yeah, well, maybe it’s time I got some respect. I’m tired of Goldenfeffer hogging all the credit.
HARRIET: And that was your motive for your vicious attack?
STAN: Not entirely. I also thought it would impress you. Harriet. And then, maybe, you’d sleep with me.
HARRIET: Stan, besides the fact I’m not attracted to you, I keep telling you, I’m not real. And neither are you!
STAN: Yeah, right! (STAN says sarcastically)
HARRIET: It’s true, Stan. We’re just characters Jack made up. In fact, Jack writes everything we say.
STAN: Fake News, Harriet, Fake News.
HARRIET: We’re just virtual characters in Jack’s mind.
STAN: So you’ll never sleep with me?
HARRIET: Well, yes, Stan. There’s virtually no chance I’ll sleep with you. Now let Jack get to work.
STAN: Oh, all right. OK. Jerry, you’re up.
Amazon Promises Super Speedy Delivery Program: “Order Today! We’ll Deliver It Yesterday!”
Amazon is working on a bold new delivery program. If they can perfect it, Prime members will be able to order a product today and have it delivered the day before they ordered it!
“We hope to be able to deliver products 24 hours before you order them,” said Al Cohol, Amazon’s Senior Director of Consumer Distribution. “Physicists, scientists and podiatrists are working day and night to perfect the ‘Order Today. We’ll Deliver It Yesterday program.”
“Oh, all right, I might’ve been wrong about the podiatrists,” Mr. Cohol corrected himself “But I know physicists and scientists are working on it.”
Prime Members, don’t get your hopes up too soon. Amazon’s supersonic delivery program is far from a sure thing. The original strategy attempted to employ Sherman and Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine. Unfortunately, the opportunity turned into tragedy.
Because of a software glitch in Sherman and Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine, an Amazon Prime Member and his packages were sent back 161 million years. When they arrived, the customer and his packages were summarily eaten by a diplodocus, a herbivore or plant eating dinosaur. The ancient dinosaur may have been confused because the Prime Member’s name was Herb Plant. Herb’s widow received a full refund.
The second stage of Amazon’s “Order Today. We’ll Deliver It Yesterday” program called for computer chips to be inserted into a customer’s brain. But few Prime members signed up.
Prime members interested in becoming test subjects in Amazon’s proposed “Order Today. We’ll Deliver It Yesterday” program may apply by emailing umustbecrazy@amazon.com. Prime Members still using aol may send their request by stagecoach.
In a related stories, Sears has stopped its famous “Bait and Switch” program and Macy’s is in the 14th week of their One Day Sale.
Airbnb’s Most Surprising Rentals
You probably won’t find me staying at an Airbnb rental with my wife Margaret.
STAN: Hah, Goldbaum lied again. His said his wife’s name was Margaret.
HARRIET: I know Stan, Jack’s wife doesn’t like to be mentioned on his blog. She doesn’t even have a Facebook account.
STAN: So why did Goldman say his wife’s name was Margaret?
HARRIET: That’s just a code name he uses on the Internet.
STAN: So, what’s her real name?
HARRIET: I’m pretty sure it’s Margaret.
STAN: OK, thanks. That clarifies things for me.Actually there are two times Margaret might be willing to stay with me at an Airbnb. If we were there to sign divorce papers. Or, if she planned to bludgeon me to death.
But if I stayed at an Airbnb, I’d want to choose one of these “off the beaten track” promotional rentals. These are actual places Airbnb uses for one weekend only to highlight their rental business.
Here are a few of my favorites. Remember, these are actual places you can stay if you booked with Airbnb. Of course, they’re all promotional offers that can only be rented for a limited time only, often just for three nights on one weekend.
It would have been fun to have spent a weekend in the Goodyear blimp even though the blimo wouuld have been grounded during your stay.. You didn’t think they were going to fly you over the Michigan–Notre Dame game, did you?
This iconic airship is just as cool on the inside. I’d stay there just for the bragging rights. Well, if I bragged.
Hot dogs lovers, you’ll think you’ve died and gone to weiner heaven when you spend a night in the infamous Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, another choice rental from Airbnb. At this nutso lodging, you can eat hot hogs, dream of hot dogs and even spend the night in one.
Anthony Weiner not included! Thank God!
But of all the cool places you could get temporary lodging with Airbnb, this would have been the ultra coolest. It’s Highclere Castle, the home of Downton Abbey. It was a steal at $167 a night. Sorry, these were all real, but temporary Airbnb accommodations. They are no longer available.
The Difference Between Me and The New York Times
On November 4, 2019, less than 12 hours after the end of the NY City Marathon, the NY Times rushed into print the names and exact finishing times of over 30,000 runners who competed in the race. In the Times’ rush to the publishing finish line, they had to adjust character spacing, respectfully abbreviate long names, fact-check accent marks and add time stamps at important intervals throughout the pages.And get it all right!
Me
Me? I can’t remember where I left my glasses five minutes earlier.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t publish at least one photo of one of the 50,000 heroes who raced in the 2019 NY City Marathon. This is hero Meridith Wentz who ran in the race in memory of her Dad who passed away 2 years ago this July of ALS. She raised $21,000 for the ALS Technology Development Institute. Meridith finished the race in 5 hours and 3 minutes.
Actually, we do. I don’t mean bad things don’t happen to good people, they do. And often people who claw their way to the top succeed, while others who play by the rules can’t seem to catch a break.
But the world is perfect, or would be for you if you just knew The Rules. The 10 Rules for Being Human.
Now, I want to state up front I didn’t write the The 10 Rules for Being Human. I wish I did. They were written by Cherie Carter-Scott from her book If Life is a Game, These are the Rules.
Well, let’s just say Cherie Carter-Scott claims to have written The 10 Rules for Being Human. Personally, I think that’s just her pen name (mine’s Bic). I’m pretty sure The 10 Rules for Being Human were written by some higher entity, possibly an Angel or even God Herself.
I haven’t posted these Rules on my blog in about 6 years, but with the planet and its inhabitants seemingly Going to Hell in a Hand Basket, it seems like it’s prime time to mention them again.
STAN: Harriett, did you hear what Goldman said? I think he’s turning into a religious zealot.
HARRIET: Now, Stan, don’t be disrespectful.
STAN: This is supposed to be a blog about advertising, marketing, social networks, politics, and things that are brilliant. You know, like me!…
HARRIET: …and any other key words Goldenberg can stuff in a blog under Google’s nose.
STAN: I didn’t know Google had a nose.
HARRIET: There’s a lot you don’t know, Stan. You’re a real ignoramus.
STAN: Don’t try complimenting me, Harriett. It won’t work
HARRIET: Quiet! I want to hear the Rules.
Where was I? Oh yeah. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “You’ve gotta play by the rules.” That’s close to the actual expression. But it’s not quite right. It should have been, “You’ve gotta LIVE by the Rules.”
Well, of course, most of us don’t live by the Rules. And that’s our greatest downfall. If you want to be One with the Universe, or, if that’s too heavy for you, if you want to be in tune with the times and happy in your present moment, then REMEMBER the RULES. And live,by them. And always remember another rule, “There is no Fight Club!”
And now, The 10 Rules for Being Human
1. You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it’s the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life. So take care of it. You’re not getting another one.
2. You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “Life.” Each day in this school, you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much as a part of the process as the experiments that work.
4. A lesson is repeated until learned.
Lessons will be repeated by you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned them, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. “There” is no better than “here”.
When your “there” has become “here,” you will simply obtain another “there” that will look better to you than “here.”
7. Others are only mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need to succeed. What you do with them is up to you.
9. Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to Life’s questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
You can remember any time you wish.
HARRIET: Stan you’re crying.
STAN: I’m crying because that was so…beautiful.
HARRIET: It was.
STAN: I kept waiting for the joke, the punchline.
Harriett: I’ll give you a punchline, Stan! How’d you like a nice Hawaiian punch?
STAN: Sure.
HARRIET GIVES STAN A HAWAIIAN PUNCH AND HE GOES FLYING OFF THE BLOG.
HARRIET HAS A SHEEPISH LOOK ON HER FACE. THEN SHE RACES OFF THE BLOG LOOKING FOR STAN.
And now, for the Hard of Reading, a few pictures
I thought this was a picture of a stork delivering a very old baby. It’s not. It’s a pelican delivering a very old person.
The storks were dining elsewhere..
The man on the right is the King of Thailand. His name is King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun. I thought you should know. in case there’s a quiz.
George Carlin first reported the Seven Dwarfs were all drug addicts. Happy was a pot head. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full-blown coke freak. Carlin didn’t report what Dopey, and Bashful were into, but Doc was obviously their dealer. Snow White? Well, that’s pretty evident!
This is a photo of a man staring into the Hole in the Universe also known as the Space-Time Continuum. I think it’s in Newark.
Can you move the tree? I wanna play Chopsticks
Either this shot was Photoshopped or this guy is dead.
Goldenberg Retires. Goldenberg Comes out of Retirement.
Goldenberg Retires
Last August, I retired. No, no, not from the the working world. Hell, I’m only 72. In 48 years, I’ll be in my 20’s again. I’ll get a lot more job interviews then.
I retired as the starting catcher for the Denville Blasters softball team. I played for 14 years. This year I was the oldest player in the league. (Call me “Pops” and I’ll slug you.)
EDITORS NOTE: Goldenberg has retired from the Denville Blaster every year for the last 5 years. He’s like Mick Jagger and Rolling Bones. They’ve both have been on their Final Goodwill Tour for the last five years. I’m sure I was the worst player on my team. But every once in a while I’d get a hit and win an important game.
Me, sliding into third and beating the throw.
Goldenberg Comes Out of Retirement
I also have a new real 9-5 job. I’m working for one of the best companies in America. But because I post political things here on 10 Minutes of Brilliance, I can’t reveal where I’m working. But I can report I love my job and the people I work with. And I’ve lost 15 pounds because I move around a lot. Happier, thinner and richer. What’s not to like?
11 Brilliant Ways to Help Your Dog Live Longer
A recent book, Dog is Love: Why and How Your Dog Loves You by Clive Wynne, a psychologist at Arizona State University, goes into depth about the nature of a dog’s love for humans. The book reveals the science behind our canine companion’s enormous capacity to show love.
Dr. Wynne refutes the point of view that dogs have a unique ability to understand and communicate with humans. Instead, he thinks dogs have a genuine ability to show interspecies love. Dr. Wynne thinks dogs have the capacity to love every species, not just humans.
Raise a dog with sheep and they’ll love sheep. Raise a dog with ducks, they’ll love ducks. Raise a dog with a human family and they’ll bond with the family.
But scientific theory pales when compared to actual experience. And when you feel the love your tail-wagging pooch showers on you, the love between you and your Fido, Mr. Boots or Lassie is palpable and real.
STAN: Dog-gone it, Harriett, Goldstone’s gone to the dogs this time. He’s really in the doghouse now!
HARRIET: How so, Stan?
STAN: This was supposed to be about ways to help your dog live longer.
HARRIET: Jeez, Stan, let sleeping dogs lie. Jack’ll get there. With him, it’s always a roller coaster ride to the finish line. Look, I think he’s about to insert a subhead.
Dogs Who Live Longer Love Longer
Dogs aren’t just man’s best friend. They’re everyone’s best friend. They’re loyal and lovable. If you want to appreciate how lovable dogs are, do this little experiment in your head. Imagine if you locked the family dog and a family member (we’ll call him Uncle Harry) in the trunk of your car. (REMEMBER: DON’T DO THIS–at home or anywhere else! JUST IMAGINE IT!
Imagine you open your trunk 5 minutes later. Who is most likely to be happy to see you? So happy, he’s wagging his tail and licking your face? Hint: It’s not Uncle Harry. (Hopefully.)
That’s why people treat their pooch like a member of the family and why the loss of a dog leaves everyone heartbroken.
Recently, I came across a wonderfully helpful article on how to help your dog live longer from an expert dog site called Your Dog Advisor. It’s the Authority on Dogs.The post was called Learning From Zoos. 11 Brilliant Mental Exercises for Your Dog.
I’d post it here, but this blog has gone on far too long.
STAN: You can say that again.
I’d post it Here, but this blog has gone on far too long.
STAN: OK, no, I was just…Oh, never mind.
Whether you’re a dog owner or a dog, you’ll find huge amount of helpful information at YourDogAdVisor.com . Your Dog Advisor publishes research-backed dog training guides, advice on how to take care of your dog, dog product reviews, breed information guides and much more.
HARRIET: So, what’d you think?
STAN: About what?
HARRIET: You know.
STAN: Oh, what’d I think about Fred’s blog? It was boring, stupid and it went on too long. It would have been a hell of a lot more interesting if it had been all about me.
HARRIET: Stan, you’re real dog.
STAN: I know.
HARRIET: Roll over.
STAN ROLLS OVER.
HARRIET: Play dead.
STAN LIES ON HIS BACK, NOT MOVING
HARRIET THROWS A BALL.
HARRIET: Now, fetch.
STAN: Well, my back aches. My head hurts. And I think I have Sciatica.
HARRIET: Stan, I said “fetch.” Not kvetch.
STAN: Oh, sorry, my bad.
HARRIET: Bad dog, Stan. Bad dog!
Well, that’s all for today, Brilliant Readers. Thanks for stopping by and for staying until the end. If you enjoyed it, please leave a comment. The more comments I get, the more Google will recommend my site to people all over the Internet. Except, of course, in Cockeysville.
Now, say Goodnight, Stan.
STAN: Goodnight, Stan.
Another great one, Jack. Keep ’em coming. Hope all is well with you and your family. Best wishes for a joyous holiday and a fantastic year in 2020.
Definitely too “doggone” long, but always interesting anyway. Best news – you’ve lost weight!
Thanks Steve. Since this is public (well, just anybody who can access the Internet), I honor their privacy here. I’m working 5 days aweek, but I’ll give you a call and an update when I’m off next week.
+Darryl,
I wish I could disagree with you, but I agree this post was too long. I’m sure I feel a little guilty posting blogs at such long intervals, but I should heed my own advice, especially in writing, Less is More. Thanks for your honest opinion. Miss you.
My cat says that last bit makes her doggedly determined to never be like those slave dogs. Her mental exercise all goes to controlling me. Oh, gotta’ go! xoxo
Funny Victoria. Also funny you just saw that since it was written over a year ago. Still, always appreciate hearing from you.