Today’s blog with cover 1. How to Get a 150,000 Pound Whale into your High School Gym 2. Passing the Salt in the Era of Social Distancing. 3. Photos for the Hard of Reading. 4. A Public Service Message for People too Stupid to Come In Out of the Virus. 5. The President and the Virus. No, not that President. Not that Virus. 6. Happy Earth Year! Today’s blog is dedicated to Jaco (that’s his real name). He’s one of my newest Readers, from Japan.
I know what your thinking. No really, I do. I have STP. I mean ESP. You’re thinking it’s been an incredibly long time since I posted my last 10 Minutes of Brilliance blog. You’re right. And there’s a reason for that. Actually, several reasons.
STAN: Yeah, Goldman. I know three reasons you didn’t post a new blog. You’re stupid. You’re boring, And you couldn’t think of anything brilliant.
HARRIET: All right. All right. His name is Goldenberg, Stan. Jack Goldenberg. And that’s a terrible thing to say to Jack.
STAN: I don’t care, Harriet. The only reason people read Goldfarb’s blog is to hear what I’ve got to say..
HARRIET: Are you forgetting something, Stan?
STAN: My fly’s unzipped?
HARRIET: No. No. Well, yes, but that wasn’t it. Stan, you forgot. You’re not real.
HARRIET: You’re not real. Jack writes everything you say.
STAN: Yeah? I don’t think so!
HARRIET: I’ll prove it to you. What’s the name of the President of the United States?
STAN: Donald Tr**p. Hey, what just happened?
HARRIET: Here. Try again. What moron just told protestors it was OK to relax social distancing standards and safe go back to life before Covid-19?
STAN: I’m gonna take a stab at that. Was it Donald Tr**p? Hey, damn it. It happened again. Every time I say, well, you-know-who’s name, asteroids appear instead of the whole name.
HARRIET: Not asteroids, Stan. Asterisks.
STAN: Whatever. But why doesn’t Tr**p’s full name appear.
HARRIET: It’s a family blog. And Jack doesn’t allow swear words.
STAN: Really? Well, live and learn, Harriet. Live and learn.
HARRIET: Not in your case, Stan. Not in your case. Quiet, I hear Jack typing again.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Here are some brilliant things I saw while I was AWOL from my blog:
How to Get a 150,000 lb. Whale into your High School Gym
Times have changed since I went to high school. Back then (sometime before the Spanish American War), we’d get excited because after a losing basketball game, they’d try to lift our school spirits by serving us a Carvel ice cream cake in the shape of a whale.. The ice cream cake even had a name. Fudgie the Whale.
Now, kids can go to a high school gym and watch a 150,000 pound blue whale jump out on the ocean right in the middle of their high school basketball court. This is one of the most incredible things I’ve never seen. The kids in the gym jump back so they won’t get splashed. Brilliant.
Passing the Salt in the Era of Social Distancing
Rube Goldberg (No Stan, no relation) was a cartoonist, sculptor, author, engineer, and inventor best known for his zany cartoons that depicted complex objects doing simple tasks. Here’s an amazing look at what someone concocted to Pass the Salt–in the era of social distancing. With thanks to one of my Readers, ace Creative Director Jeffrey Jones from sending it along.
And now, for the Hard of Reading, some Photos Sourced by my College Roommate, Tony Witlin
And now, a public service to people too stupid to come in out of the Virus.
The President and the Virus. No, not that President. Not that Virus.
What a pity Donald Tr**p doesn’t learn from history. If he did, he might learn how an early American President handled a deadly virus.The first president to fight a virus that threatened our soon-to-be nation was…the first president, George Washington. General Washington had two historic battles to win, one against the invading British army and another against small pox, a virus so deadly, it killed 1 out of every 3 people it infected.
When small pox swept through the colonies, our nation’s Founding Father didn’t have a Dr. Fauci or CDC to help him decide the appropriate strategy. But he did have firsthand experience with an epidemic. In 1751, when he was a teenager visiting the island of Barbados, Washington contracted the variola virus which killed one out of every two victims.Washington suffered greatly, almost dying. Finally, after a month of pain, fever and pustules, Washington survived the virus.
“Every precaution must be used to prevent its spreading,” the General declared. And he wrote to that insurance guy with the famous signature, telling John Hancock, “I vow to continue the utmost Vigilance against this most deadly enemy.”
The story goes on, but I’ll save that for my next blog. So stay tuned to learn how our nation’s first health advocate, General George Washington, inoculated early America with a small pox vaccine, healing colonists against their wishes who thought the whole thing was Fake News!
Happy Birthday Earth Day! Please start the party (and the clean-up) without me.
For the last 10 months, I’ve been working night and day (mostly nights) on a website promoting Earth Day. After all, this is the most important Earth Day ever. Not only because the planet is in deeper trouble than you ever could imagine, but also because the president and his lemming followers are reacting to Earth Day with the same disdain they shovel on the Coronavirus.
To them, climate change, aka global warming, is a hoax. Facts aren’t real. Evidence doesn’t matter . And the 97% of scientists who have years of evidence climate change was created by human activity and only humans can reverse it, well, eithertscientists don’t know what they’re talking about. Or it’s a global conspiracy and it’s all Fake News. So Earth’s future, with that moron (sorry, morons) still in charge is darker than ever.
But every time I took one step forward to launch y Earth Day website, The Universe sent me back two steps. Now, if you know me, you know that if I hit a dead end, it just makes me want to work even harder. Or try and end run.
Now I’m working with the woman herself, Mother Nature, who’s totally pissed off over what we’ve done to her beautiful planet. As Mother Nature said recently, “The Earth. You broke it. Now fix it!” That’s not an exact quote. But much of what she screamed is unprintable in a family blog.
So, if I”m lucky, and the Universe doesn’t learn of my next steps which I’ll keep quiet, well, let’s just say I’ve got some designs on success. (See below.)
Hey, as long as you’re still here, I’m posting a couple logos for my next eco-friendly project. Here are a few Earth Year 2020 logos. Tell me which one you like best.
So that’s all for today, Readers. Thanks for stopping by. As always, please leave me a comment so I know you were here or take the chicken’s way out and send an email at email@example.com
STAN: Wait! Don’t leave yet! I wanna insult Goldfloss one more time. I’m not done yet.
HARRIET: Someone, stick a fork in Stan, he’s done. Now say goodnight, Stan.
STAN: Good night, Stan.
I know. I thought I’d finished this blog, too, But I just wanted to mention one more things.
STAN: He won’t be able to do it.
HARRIET: Who won’t be able to do what.
STAN: Goldenbergski won’t be able to limit himself to ONE MORE THING. It’ll be at least three.
Actually, it’s 2 more things. One, if you’re a new Reader and enjoyed my blog, you can sign up to get an email the next time I post one. In coming months, I’ll cover brilliance (or stupidity) on many topics. Like where to buy things online when Amazon and Walmart are sold out, The Greatest New Invention of 2020, movies worth catching on Netflix, Companies Who Are Out to Screw You, and more. Just look under my picture at the top right side of the blog to sign up.
Also if your’e a new Reader and never heard the story about when I was Head of the Earth (Perfect reading on Earth Day), click on this link:
I Don’t Believe Goldenberg Was Really the Head of the Earth.