STAN: Ha, ha. That’s so funny.
HARRIET: What’s funny?
STAN: Goldberg. He made a stupid mistake. He wrote a headline that said,”How stupid are America?” The dufus blog writer really goofed this time. He should have written, “How stupid am America?”
HARRIET: Stan, I’ve always said, if anybody knows Stupid, it’s you.
STAN: Thanks, Harriet, Me and Stupid are on a first name basis?
HARRIETT: I don’t doubt it for a second. I sometimes have trouble telling the two of you apart.
I know we like to think Americans are the best and the brightest in all the land, but that just may not be the case. The National Science Foundation surveyed over 2,000 Americans recently with a nine-question quiz about science and one of four respondents didn’t know the Earth orbits around the Sun.
And not surprisingly, less than half the American questions believed that humans evolved from other species of animals.
Well, I guess you can blame the Tea Party and the Creationists for that little misconception. But really, it’s amazing that 25% of our fellow countrymen don’t know one of the most basic facts about the Universe–that the Earth revolves around the Sun. Some of those people are so stupid, I wouldn’t be surprised if they fell off the ends of the Earth.
Missouri’s All-American lineman, Michael Sam, has a lot going for him. He was voted the South Eastern Conference’s Best Defensive Player of the Year. His exploits on the field should make him a relatively high pick in the early rounds of NFL Draft on May 8-10 in NYC.
And yet, many NFL teams will shy away from choosing this future star because he did the unthinkable. He came out and announced he was gay.
What? A gay man who plays professional football? Say it isn’t so. What’s next? Gay men in the clergy?
If the taunts and bullying that Miami Dolphins football player, Jonathan Martin, had to endure from his own teammates are any indication, Michael Sam will face the same wall of bigotry and ugliness on and off the playing field.
A lot has already been written and said about the hypocrisy of the National Football League. And nobody has said it better than Dale Hansen, twice voted Sportscaster of the Year by the Associated Press. (My thanks to my friend, Ace Creative Director Jeffrey Jones, for bringing this to my attention.)
One day I was sitting in a waiting room about to be interviewed for a job. Just to make conversation, I turned to the guy next to me and said, “What kind of work do you do?’
“I’m a consultant,” he said.
“Yeah,” I replied, “I’m out of work, too.”
As a creative Copywriter who freelances, I’m often looking for new projects to work on or one of those illusive full time jobs. I used to have one of those 9 to 5ers, but back then 5 could sometimes be 5 am. When you’re working on a project after hours, as long as the creative juices and caffeine are flowing, you can work until the cows come home.
STAN: What does Goldman mean when he said, “When the cows come home?” Did the cows go on a trip someplace, like Cowamazoo?
HARRIET: No, George, that’s just an idiomatic expression. Or, in your case, an idiotic expression”
STAN: Oh, yeah, I knew that.
I can’t say I’ve ever hated my job, although I’ve worked for some demanding Creative Directors. But like the hardest teacher you ever had in school, tough bosses can bring out the best in you.
Still, I imagine some of my Brilliant Readers have had jobs they hated, and if that’s the case, this next piece is for them.
It was sent to me by my friend, famed graphic illustrator and cartoonist Wally Littman. After after reading it you may realize your job shouldn’t be so hated after all.
STAN: Goldberger’s slipping. I think he’s having one of those senior copywriter moments.
HARRIET: What are you talking about? Jack’s as young as, well, as anyone.
STAN: You know that guy he just mentioned, Wally something, he’s a friend of Jack’s.
STAN: So Goldstein usually brings up one of those funny little stories when he talks about his friends. But this time, I think Goldberger forgot. I’m telling you, he’s losin’ it. And I’m not so sure he ever had it!
That reminds me of a funny story that happened when Wally and I were working as a team (Creative Copywriter and Aret Director) at Benton & Bowles, an ad agency so famous it’s often mentioned on Mad Men.
(DVR ALERT!: Mad Men’s FINAL SEASON is less than 2 months away, Sunday, April 13 at 10 p.m.)
One day I was going out to lunch and Wally had to stay back at the agency to finish some storyboards for an afternoon meeting. It had been raining, so I asked Wally if I could borrow his umbrella.
When I got outside, the rain had passed, so I decided I’d carry Wally’s umbrella until I got back to the agency. Wally is a incredibly tall person, well, at least compared to me. (I’m only 47 inches tall. That picture on my blog is actual size!) All right, maybe I exaggerate! But I’m in advertising. That’s what they pay us for!
I don’t know Wally’s exact height, but I know it’s over 6 feet. And it seemed like Wally’s umbrella was even taller than he was.
I started carrying the umbrella straight up, perpendicular to the ground. But the umbrella kept banging on the ground, so I switched to carrying in horizontally. I’m not sure, but it seemed like it was three feet in front of me and three feet behind me at the same time.
In fact, it was so far in front of me that I accidentally hit a lady smack dab in the middle of her derriere (backside, touche, rear end, we’re too classy to say “ass” here). I immediately pulled in back and hit a man behind me right in the place rap singers touch and ball players grope.
Then the woman I hit turned around, I shifted left and melded into the crowd. Since I was no longer in the woman’s line of sight, she started accusing the man behind me who I also hit with Wally’s umbrella,
The woman I hit kept accusing the man I also hit of touching her inappropriately (although for the life of me, I can’t think of what would have been an appropriate way to touch a total stranger).
They got into an argument and it must have gotten pretty heated because when I looked back a block later, the two were still arguing over who touched who first. I returned ti[o the agency and returned the umbrella to Wally. Case closed!
Who knew that disagreements with my wife would be quoted in another blog? Guess I should have. Nevertheless, the Baby Boomer blog, Boomspeak, has once again chronicled an earlier post from 10 Minutes of Brilliance about a heated disagreement with a person who I no longer call “The Warden.”
Here’s what BoomSpeak said, including a link to our (supposed) round by round knock-out fight. To read it, click on the blue link in the title at the end of the next paragraph. Don’t worry. You can come right back by hitting your back button.
“Jack Goldenberg must get into a lot of fights with his wife. It sure looks that way when he recounts how many ways he’s gotten into hot water. And you know what they say about hot water. If you’re in it long enough, you don’t even know you’re being cooked. Let go of the rolling pin and read “Here’s How the Fight Got Started.”
That’s it for today, Brilliant Readers. Thanks so much for stopping by. I had hoped to make these blogs much shorter. That’s what one of my mentors, Mike Yublosky, has been pleading with me to do. Mike’s an expert in so many things digital (Linked-In, WordPress, etc.) that I really should listen to him.
But I have so much to tell you and really, we have so little time together.
Tune in next blog for a very special event. I’ll highlight the 10 most powerful action figures from Toy Fair 2014 (the industry’s annual selling and showcasing event), show you some Great Advertising from Andy Stavrou Aradipiotis, one of Europe’s bright, new creative minds and let you in on some Secrets Revealing what Facebook, Google, and Coca Cola have been up to in their Back Rooms.
See you later, elevator!
Oh wait, I forgot to plug my new social media and small business expert, Lesley J. Vander Welle. Oh, Welle, I’ll do it next time.
Today’s blog will be a little shorter than usual.
STAN: Like you, Goldstein?
STAN TO HARRIET: How tall is Goldstein, Harriet? Four foot two? Three foot, seven?
HARRIET: It’s Goldenberg, Stan, not Goldstein and he’s at least five, five. Maybe five, six. He’s even taller on his driver’s license. Why are you picking on Jack.? He barely got out one sentence today and already you’re attacking him.
STAN: I can’t help it. He may be short, but he’s still an easy target.
HARRIET: You know, Stan, for an imaginary character, you’ve sure got a lot of nerve.
STAN: I’ve got a lot of something else, Harriet. Wanna see it?
HARRIET: Oh, no, I don’t think so. I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but I’m sure I don’t want to know.
One reason my blog is shorter is that I wanted to get it out today, so I could give you a proper weather report while you were stuck inside because of the snowstorm. Although I probably didn’t have to rush it. The Weather Service says the next storm that hits us could last into the Next Century.
Oh, but don’t worry. They’re usually wrong, right?
The idea for the blog came to me when I watched identical weather reports on five channels. Broadcast local news, the Weather Channel and 24 hr. cable news are all delivering useless and redundant weather reports that waste our valuable time indoors better spent defending against Cabin Fever (a k a #CabinFever).
So here’s the only weather report you need to watch to learn what you need to know about today’s and tomorrow’s gathering snowstorm. It’s a school closing announcement from Durham Academy Head of School Michael Ulku-Steiner and Assistant Head of School/Upper School Director Lee Hark.
A man named Fan Zhang, the owner of a trendy restaurant in downtown Toronto, knows a lot about his customers. He knows that 170 of them went clubbing in November, 250 went to the gym that month and 216 live in an upscale neighborhood called Yorkville.
According to a recent article in The Wall Street Journal, Mr, Zang obtained that information without ever asking his customers one single question. He didn’t have to. His customers’ phones did the spying!
As of now that kind of spying is legal and it’s fast becoming big business. Turnstyle Solutions, a one year-old data and technology company, placed sensors in 200 business in downtown Toronto to track the whereabouts of people as they move throughout the city.
The information they retrieve allows Turnstyle Solutions to create lifestyle and demographic portraits of 2 million people as they go about their daily lives, unaware their wi-fi enabled smartphones are doing the tattling. Then, they use that knowledge to send targeted messages and promotions to an unsuspecting public.
It doesn’t seem right. But it’s legal. And it could be happening to you.
Next time I’ll tell you about another way they’re spying on you that is even more nefarious because they use your face to gather information on your every move.
Richie Parker drives a car. That’s not unusual at all. He also is an engineer who designs cars. Again, not that unusual. But the fact that Richie Parker doesn’t have any hands, and that he uses his feet to steer his car and to design automobiles, that’s not just incredible, it’s also very impressive.
So the next time you complain you don’t have the tools to get a job done, just think about Richie Parker.
Well, that’s all for today.
STAN: That’s impossible.
HARRIET: What now, Stan?
STAN: Today’s blog. It was so short. It usually takes Goldberger a couple thousand words before he finishes all the drivel he spews in his blogs. I bet he’s up to something.
Oh, I wanted to explain why today’s blog was a couple thousand works shorter than usual. I’m trying to use my blog to get more work as a Copywriter. And if I post shorter blogs more often, I stand a good chance of impressing Google, getting more search traffic. And the more traffic I get, the greater the odds that someone who comes by will hire me.
STAN: I knew it. He’s using us and the blog to line his pockets.
HARRIET: Stan, you don’t even have any pockets because you’re not real.
STAN: Well if I don’t have pockets, then I must not be wearing any pants.
HARRIET: All right. All right. I don’t like where this conversation is going. Now say Goodnight, Stan
STAN: Good night, Stan.
HARRIET: That’s all for today, Brilliant Readers. Come back next time when, hopefully, Stan will be wearing imaginary pants.
STAN: I imagine that won’t happen.
HARRIET: I know. Me, too.