Stickman Stew is Toy Fair 2014 Most Powerful Action Figure

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You can’t blame the toy industry for the ugly and violence-prone state of this year’s crop of action figures to emerge from Toy Fair 2014. Instead, blame the zombies.

Never in the history of the world has evil, horror and terror ruled its ugly head so prominently since Dick Cheney was Vice President.

Welcome to the Zombification of America. Right now, my foreign Readers are busily looking up “Zombification.” (Give it up, Olaf. You won’t find it.)

Zombies are creatures who started as humans, died from a serious infection and then rose from six feet under to come back and haunt the rest of us. The closest analogy I can give would be substitute teacher.

Zombie

This is probably how Mr. Rogers would look if he came back as a zombie.

It's sometimes hard to tell the difference between a Zombie and my Uncle Abe. I think this was my Uncle Abe.

It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between a Zombie and my Uncle Abe. I’m pretty sure  this is my Uncle Abe.

 

Kim Kardashion

Please look away! This Zombie is too disturbing to look at!

 Zombies!  They’re everywhere! They’re everywhere!

Zombies have taken over everything. It’s understandable these creatures are lead actors in movies (Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead and The Walking Dead) and TV shows (Dawn of the Dead, The Walking Dead and Duck Dynasty). Now they’ve invaded toy stores as well.

As I roamed the aisles of Toy Fair 2014, the annual industry event where toy companies show off their best bets for toy success in the coming year, I was struck by how ugly, fearful and blood soaked the toy industry has become. Especially when it comes to action figures.

Oh, sure, Superman will still be flying through toy stores faster than a speeding bullet to defend his mantra, “Truth, justice and a little nookie from Lois Lane.” Batman and his Batboy Robin will still cruise  the Toy ‘R Uses of the Universe in the Batmobile, defending Gotham City against nefarious enemies like The Joker, The Riddler and assorted Tea Party Republicans.

But the new crop of toys expected to be popular for Christmas 2014 includes a mob of vengeful, ruthless, blood soaked, killer Zombies. And those are just the good guys.

Zombie gro;

What are the odds of this? I was looking for images of Zombies and I came across this picture of Beverly Zee, my date for my high school prom. I should have realized something was amiss back then when she ate one of the chaperones.*

* Note to my Readers: This is the problem when you write a blog with over 13,000 subscribers. Some are my Readers are Baby Boomers and some are from Generation Z. The young people in my audience have no idea what a chaperone is.

Chaperones were adults who attended events likes proms and dances and made sure none of the young people drank alcohol, did drugs or had sex. Unless, of course, you broke into the science lab when Mr. Truchet and Mrs. Bell were outside the Milford Mill gym smoking a cigarette. I’m just saying.

Here’s why Zombies are so much worse than your standard, garden variety vampire:

Vampires just suck your blood. Zombies eat you!

No wonder these killer dolls are fodder for phobias and nightmares even for the adult kids who buy them.

But when it comes to real kids, the Zombification of toy stores is somewhat of a paradox. Dolls and action figures are supposed to be the loyal, warmhearted companions of innocent children, not cold-blooded killers.

There are few things creepier and more malevolent than play pals who invite you to dinner because you are dinner.

With Zombies on my brain, I visited Toy Fair last month to see what America’s toy makers had conjured up for Christmas 2014. I went to see what’s new and also to cover the event for 10 Minutes of Brilliance Readers.

That’s right, Brilliant Readers, I braved the Zombie-saturated aisles of Toy Fair for you, knowing full well that an unexpected, innocent tap on my shoulder would likely scare the BeJesus out of me. And that’s tough, because I’m Jewish.

Top 10 Most Powerful Action Figures at Toy Fair 2014

I’ll deliver the results of my Top 10 Most Powerful Action Figures at Toy Fair 2014 in true “Dave Letterman Top 10 style.”  You know, Dave starts with Number 10 and the last one he reads off is always Number One.

(Usually by the time Dave gets to Number #7, Margaret falls asleep. But maybe that  just happens at my house.)

So I’ll start at #10 , but I need to say a little about the Winner first. The most power action figure of Toy Fair 2014 is Stickman Stew.

stickamn stew waving

This is Stickman Stew, he’s a STEWard of love and respect and Winner of the Most Powerful Action Figure of Toy Fair 2014. Unlike action figures that come with a ready made bios, Stickman Stew doesn’t come with a huge back story. Which leaves the world of Stickman Stew wide open so kids can use their own Imagination! Now that’s a concept!

Let’s hear it for the lovable, uncomplicated Stickman Stew. He’s warm, generous, courageous and kind. The only way he’ll kill you kid is with kindness.

He’ll be your kids’ pal and unlike the terrifying zombies, monsters, murderers and makers of mayhem who will be under Christmas tress and Chanukah bushes this holiday season, he won’t suck your blood or cause you to be dead, then undead , then dead again.

More about Stickman Stew later and how he became the Number One action figure at this year’s Toy Fair. Now it’s time to count down the Top 10 Action Figures.

STAN: It’s time? It’s time! It’s past time!
HARRIET: What the matter now, Stan?
STAN: Jeez, I was hoping Golberg could have delivered his Top 10 Toys by now.

HARRIET: Well, he does seem to ramble on.
STAN: Ramble. Schmamble. Goldenheim can’t shut up. I had a conversation with him once that started on a Tuesday and by Thursday I had to get a note from my Mom to be excused.
HARRIET: Your Mom? Stan, you don’t have a Mom.
STAN: Yeah, right! Then how was I born?
HARRIET: You weren’t born, Stan. You’re not real. You’re just a character Jack made up.
STAN: Don’t start pulling that crap on me, Harriet. I am real. Goldberger’s the imaginary character. I made him up. 
HARRIET: We’re not going to solve this now, Stan. Let Jack get on with his blog. We’ll talk about it later.
STAN: Yeah? When?
HARRIET:  How ’bout NEVER. Is that soon enough for you?
STAN: Yeah, that works for me. Thanks.

Now, it’s time to deliver the most powerful action figures from Toy Fair 2014. In the #10 spot is that loveable Chuckie.

#10  Chuckie

This Chuckie doll has been modified by the owner to make Chuckie look even scarier. How sweet!

This Chuckie doll has been modified by the owner to make Chuckie look even scarier. How sweet!

The Chuckster is the creepiest of the creepy dolls. Though he isn’t the original creepy doll, he is definitely the most notorious. Not only will he kill you and attempt to steal your body, he makes bad wisecracks while dismembering you. Who does he think he is? Conan O’Brien?

#9 Living Dead Dolls

The first Living Dead Dolls were craft dolls, made individually by hand by Ed Long in 1998. He showed them to a friend, Damien Glonek who liked the dolls so much, the two of them became partners. They made 12 more Living Dead dolls. The dolls sold out instantly so Ed and Damien launched their doll business, continuing to make each doll by hand.

They were selling them at a Chiller Theatre convention, when Mike “Mez” Markowith purchased one of the dolls and decided to mass produce them from his company, Mezzco Toys .

 

Living Ddeead dolls

Living Dead Dolls pose for a family photo.

Living Dead Doll Death Certificate

Eat your heart out, Cabbage Patch Kids. The Living Dead Dolls don’t have birth certificates. They have Death Certificates!

Living Dead Dolls

More Living Dead Dolls-how very pretty!

#8 Krypt Kiddies

Meet the Krypt Kiddies. Meet them if you dare. Parents crazy enough to buy these horror dolls for their little monsters should have known something was off when they saw the Krypt Kiddies slogan, “Cuter than Hell.” These terrifying creatures will give your nightmares nightmares.

krypt kiddies

Here’s a family photo of some of the nastiest dolls at Toy Fair, the Krypt Kiddies. They all died a terrible death like Sick-A, the cutie in the red dress. She was a restaurant critic who died from food poisoning. Really, I don’t make this stuff up.

 

krypt kiddies

This little devil is Lil Red, the ringleader of the Krypy Kiddies. His favorite trick is to lead the kiddies into chaos, then save them at the last minute, The bigger the calamity, the bigger his evil grin? I guess he was the Eddie Haskel of Krypt Kiddies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet cuddly little Baby Arvin. This doll is not so horrible to look at if you imagine that's ketchup on his infant shirt. Unfortunately, it's not

Meet cuddly little Baby Arvin. This doll is too horrible to look at. It helps if you, imagine that’s just ketchup on his infant shirt. Unfortunately, it’s not.

 

#7 The White Walkers

The White Walkers are a mythological race from an ancient time. In the darkness and cold of the Long Night, the White Walkers killed everyone in their path. Since that wasn’t enough destruction for their evil hearts, they raised the dead to help them slaughter more innocent people. What a nice bedtime story that will make.

The WHite Walker

This is the White Walker from Game of Thrones. Pretty scary, huh?

Thw white Walkker

The White Walker action figure–not so scary.

#6  Psycho Mother

Psycho Mother

This is Psycho Mother. I have a feeling Mother is only the first half of her hyphenated name. Wait, wasn’t she in “I Dismember Mama?” Can’t see Mom clearly. Click on the image and it should enlarge.

 

#5 Boogers from the Planet Nose

I don’t know if if can call a bodily function an action figure, so maybe I’m breaking rank with this one, but when I said, “Hey Google, give me the most disgusting toy you’ve got, Google came up with Boogers from the Planet Nose. The name sounds like a bad title for a B movie if 6 year-olds ran Hollywood. Wait, 6 year-olds are running Hollywood, but that’s another story for another blog.

Boogers from the planet Nose

Meet Boogers from the Planet Nose? Who’s in his gang, Phlegm and Vomit? This toy is truly the Pick of the Week.

You may be surprised to find out that “Boogers from the Planet Nose”  are aliens from, you guessed it, the Planet Nose. According to the ever-so-short back story, the Planet Nose had a terrible environment of toxic waste and slime. So the Boogers decided to “blow this pop stand and seek greener pastures”

They’re grotesque, sticky, and a real gross out! I show them here with some shame, but I refuse to introduce you to their 6 different characters in the Boogers world. Trust me. You don’t want to know.

I’m an eternal optimist and I try to see the bright side of everything. The only bright side I can see here, imagine what we’d be dealing with if this same toy company came out with a toy for Uranus.

#4 Colby Carrot

I had no idea I’d be choosing a carrot for the 4th best action figure to be shown at the 2014 Toy Fair, but then Colby Carrot is no ordinary vegetable. The originator of Colby Carrot, Radha Agrawal, a k a Radha Radish, was disappointed that when kids ordered pizza at her farm-to-table pizzeria, because they never ordered veggies as a topping, along with their cheese and tomato paste.

When she gave her veggie toppings super hero names, business picked up tremendously. dramatically. So she decided to encourage kids to eat veggies by making “action figures.” No offense to Colby  Carrot for putting action figure in quotes, but the tuber does deserve credit for having the mission of getting  kids to eat more wholesome foods, like veggies, and less sugar, processed food, fast food and soda pop. (As the Creative Director of the first Happy Meal, I’ve always felt somewhat responsible for the obesity among American children.

And Colby’s creator deserves credit fo making super heroes out of mushrooms, eggplant and spinach, to name a few

Colby Carrot

Colby Carrot’s slogan is “Eat Your Super Powers.”

Of course, no action figure can live in a world without pals to hang out with and Colby’s got a pretty cool bunch called The Super Sprowtz. The gang of super heroes veggie includes Mike Mushroom, Erica Eggplant, Zach Zucchini, Todd Tomato, Susie Sweat Pea, Brian Broccoli, Gita Garlic, Oliver Onion and Sammy Spinach. All the vegetable puppets have super powers, ‘natch, and Colby’s is super sight.

Colby Carrot’s exploits to make Amercia safe for vegetables and to encourage kids to have better nutrition earned him the #4 place on the most powerful action figures from Toy Fair 2014. He’s improving children’s health one dancing vegetable at a time.

#3 The Newly Deads

The Newly Deads are 5 foot high animated figures who eyes glow in the Halloween Night. They’re really funny, rather than scary or disgustin,g which is why they made it to #3 on the Most Powerful Action Figures from Toy Fair list.

It's the Honeymoon Couple from Hell, the Newly Deads

#2 Presidential Monsters

When I first saw Blacula, I thought, "Now that's really in bad taste." But when I realized that Presidential Monsters weren't just making fun of President Obama, they were Equal Opportunity Offenders, taking a poke at all the Leaders of the Free World, I just laughed and laughed.

No offense to any of the Presidents, but this just a satirical take-off, with a nod to "Hail to the Creeps." There's Eisen Howler, Zom-Bush, The Ronmy (hey wait, he wasn't even President), Lincolnstein, Al Gor, Wolf Bill, The Monster from the Watergate Lagoon, Benjamin Franklinstein and more. They're funny, collectible and a great way learn, well, the darker side of history. They earned the #2 spot from Toy Fair 2014. If you'd like to see the whole collection, just visit Presidential Monsters online