How to Attend the Great American Solar Eclipse Right In Your Backyard

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Your Personal Guide to Watching the Great America Solar Eclipse in your Zip Code

The Great American Solar Eclipse that hits town today, Monday, August 21, will be here for one Performance only. And it won’t last long. The Universe will be streaming the partial eclipse of the sun for 90 minutes. And the Main Attraction, the total solar eclipse, will only be On Stage for less than three minutes.

There’s a lot of confusion surrounding what you’ll see and when you’ll see it. After all, total solar eclipses are rare events, although not as rare as you probably think. In fact, if you didn’t buy a Front Row Seat for this one, you can catch a total solar eclipse in America in 2024. More on that later.

At 10 Minutes of Brilliance, our team of physicists and astronomers have been working diligently for months to sort through the confusion, so you’ll know what to expect tomorrow no matter where you are in America.

STAN: Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Goldman’s lying again! He doesn’t have a team of physicians and astrologists. There’s only him, you and me. And sometimes I’m not so sure about you!
HARRIET: For God’s sake, Stan, Goldman’s not lying. Damn, now you’ve got me calling him Goldman!
STAN: I kinda wear on you, don’t I?
HARRIET: No, you don’t. And by the way, his name is Goldenberg. Jack Goldenberg. And he’s just being creative when he…oh, never mind. Just shut your pie hole, Stan, and let Jack continue.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are only two Sections where you can watch the celestial Performance of the Century. Unlike a theater where you can sit in the Orchestra, Box Seats, or the Balcony, the only viewing sections for the eclipse are in the Front Row and the Balcony.

Those who live in or who have traveled to the narrow 76-mile band that stretches across America from sea to shining sea have a Front Row view of the Great American Eclipse. They’ll see a total solar eclipse. It’s estimated that crowd will be from 2,000,000 to 7,000,000 people. And by all accounts, they’re in for the time of their lives.

The Great American Solar Eclipse, the total solar eclipse can only be viewed in a narrow 76-mile band that stretches from sea to shining sea.

The total solar eclipse can only be viewed in a narrow 76-mile band that stretches from Oregon to South Carolina.

For the rest of us, about 312 million people, well, we’re stuck in the cheap seats, the Balcony. We’ll only get to see a partial solar eclipse. It’ll be somewhat cool to be there, but not that cool to see it. The sky will darken, but you won’t experience any of the phenomena that those in the Front Row will be talking about the rest of their lives. Sorry, we’re just being honest here.

WARNING #1: Odds 62 million to 1 You’ll Be Disappointed

The odds are 62 million to one that if you only get to see the partial eclipse, you’re going to be disappointed. As one astronomer described it, “The difference between seeing the total solar eclipse and a partial one is Night and Day.” Jeez, you don’t need a telescope to figure that out.

It’s like the difference between watching Macy’s fireworks on TV or sitting right under the fiery boomers as they decorate the night sky. Or watching someone eat an incredible meal on Food TV. It just doesn’t taste the same as when you eat it.

We hate to be downers here at 1o Minutes of Brilliance. It’s just not our normal style. But we want our Readers to be prepared. This doesn’t mean we think  you shouldn’t check out the partial eclipse, if only because you”ll be that much more jazzed about getting Font Row seats the next total eclipse appears over much of America in 2024.

WARNING #2: Do not Look at the partial eclipse at any time with your naked eyes. You May Go Blind!

STAN: Hey Harriet, can I borrow 500 bucks? I’m gonna catch a plane to Nashville tonight. I’ll be right in the path of the totality tomorrow.
HARRIET: Did you buy solar glasses?
STAN: Nah, I don’t think I’ll need them.
HARRIET: Well, you won’t see anything.
STAN: Of course, I will. I just told you. I’ll be right in the part of totality.
HARRIET: No, I meant you won’t see anything because you’ll go blind. Besides I’m not loaning you any money.
STAN: OK, have it your way. I’ll just stay here and watch the partial eclipse without solar glasses.
HARRIET: Stan, you’re just lookin’ for trouble.
STAN: We’ll see.
HARRIET: No, Stan, actually you won’

WARNING for partial eclipse viewers: You CANNOT look directly at the sun during a partial eclipse. The moon does cover quite a bit of it during the partial phases leading up to totality, but you HAVE to use special solar viewing glasses to look at the sun during the eclipse.

WARNING for total eclipse viewers only: During the brief period of totality ONLY, when NO bright part of the sun is showing, you can look directly at the totally eclipsed sun without any kind of filters and you will not believe the sight. The view is simply stunning.

BUT, IMMEDIATELY after totality, (as soon as you see the really bright diamond ring effect again, when the bright part of the sun returns to view), the glasses have to come back on. To repeat: You MUST use the eclipse glasses whenever the sun is not TOTALLY eclipsed – whenever ANY bright piece of it is visible. No matter what “eclipse times” you may get off the internet, on TV or from your crazy Uncle Bob.

If you’re not in the path of totality, you have to use approved solar glasses for the ENTIRE eclipse, and you will not see any cool things during totality that will amaze you.

How Rare Are Solar Eclipses?

Most people assume total solar eclipses are incredibly rare.  They’re not. They happen about once every one to two years. But with 70% of the Earth’s surface covered by water, eclipse attendance is usually limited to fish, whales and Charley the Tuna.

There was a small solar eclipse in the US in 1979, but you have to go back 99 years to 1918 when the moon performed its celestial dance and blocked out the sun across America from coast to coast.

When to Catch THE NEXT Solar Eclipse in North America

If you not in the narrow band across the US where the Great American Solar Eclipse will be visible tomorrow, don’t fret. As mentioned earlier, the Show has been renewed. It’s coming back for a Repeat Performance on April 8, 2024. But that eclipse will only be visible in a much smaller band of land in America from Texas to Maine.

Total solar eclipses that can be seen in North America in the 21st Century

You’ll still have a chance to catch the next total solar eclipse.

And if Ted Williams’ cryogenic head can be revived by September 23, 2099, he can catch a total solar eclipse that will cross about 7 or 8 US states. Although, if only TED’S HEAD is revived, he may need to hitch a ride to see it.

Ted William's Head

“Hi, Uber. This is Ted’s Head. Can you pick me up? I need a ride to the total solar eclipse in 2099. In fact, there may be two of us if Walt decides to join me.”

What is the Best Time to See the Eclipse, Partial or Total, in my Zip Code?

STAN: See, that’s what I’m talking about?
HARRIET: What now?
STAN: Goldenfeld is almost at the end of his blog and he’s finally getting around to telling his Readers when to watch the eclipse in their zip code. It’s like a roller coaster ride with him.
HARRIET: Jack always claimed this is an ADD-addled Scream of Consciousness blog. He just tries to make things interesting. And he’s really a great writer. I know that because he just told me to say it.
STAN: All right, I give in. Say, after the blog is over, you wanna go have some virtual sex.
HARRIET: That’s virtually impossible.
STAN: What if I wear solar glasses?
HARRIET: You’re on.
STAN: That’s what I was hoping for!

Whether you live in 59701 (Butte, Montana), 10022 (New York City), or 33125 (Miami, Florida), you can still enjoy the show if you know when it happens in your area. NASA created a user-friendly animation that simulates how the eclipse will look in any zip code in the United States. Here’s a screen shot from that animation of when the Great American Solar Eclipse will be visible over Denville, NJ. Assuming, of course, Governor Christie doesn’t block the view.

 

The great American Solar Eclipse

As an example, the moon will block out the largest portion of the sun in Denville, NJ at approximately 2:43 PM. tomorrow.

To see the best viewing times in your zip code, just go to the link below, type in your zip code and click to begin the animation.

Click HERE to see when you can check out tomorrow eclipse in your hometown.

STAN: Is Goldenrod almost done?
HARRIET: Just about.

Final Advice on the Best Way to Experience the Eclipse

1. Recommended food for eclipse watching: Moon Pies

Moon Pie

Moon Pies. Just perfect.

2. Recommended song to play while watching the eclipse: Cat Steven’s Moon Shadow.

Cat Stevens' album "Moon Shadow"

Oh, I’m being followed by a Moon Shadow. Moon Shadow. Moon Shadow

That’s all for now, Readers. Thanks for stopping by. Be safe today. And remember, no mooning.

 

The Toughest Job in the World Is A Real Mother

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It’s Mother’s Day 2017 and we’ve got a lot of ground to cover, so fasten your seat belts. (Wait. Didn’t Attorney General Sessions outlaw seat belts? Oh no, sorry, that’s next week!) One wish, please. If you like today’s blog, please LIKE IT, Tweet it or send it to your Mother. After all, she’s got you for a kid, she deserves a little honor and a few laughs.

Here’s a rundown on what you can expect today:

1. First up, a description of “The Toughest Job in the World.This Job is so tough, no man on Earth could ever handle it!

2. Next, An Open Letter to Donald Trump. From His Mother. The President’s Mother (Earth) is not happy with Donald Trump. Here’s why!

3. Here’s a Tribute to my Late Mom, although she was hardly ever late, usually right on time,. Well, except in the end. But then again, aren’t we all?

4. What Not to Buy Your Mom for Mother’s Day! Don’t honor your Mom’s never ending love with the gift of a toaster oven.

5. Mother’s Day in Theory. The perfect gift for the Mother of my Daughter

6. STAN Meet His Maker. The notorious STAN meet his Mother for the first time. Again!

STAN: Cool. I’m gonna meet my Mom today?
HARRIET: Shut up, STAN. It’s not time for us to talk yet.

And now, let the festivities begin.

1. The Toughest Job In The World Is A Real Mother!

You may be under the assumption America’s Asst. Liar-in-Chief, Sean Spicer, has The Toughest Job in the World. After all, has to appear before the White House Press Corps moments after the President has tweeted, “The sky is falling! The sky is falling! And it’s all Obama fault!”

But whether you dislike the President’s Spokesman or you hate him intensely, you’ve gotta give him credit for lowering his integrity and consistently delivering the President’s ever changing messages.

True, it’s not easy to stand there in the briefing room like Sean does, naked, sans truth, and try to convince everyone that the egg on your face is really an omelet. But Shaun Spicer does not have The Toughest Job in the World, nor do any other members of the Emperor has no Clothes’ administration.

 

Sean Spicer

Asst. Liar-in-Chief, Seam Spicer, insisting the egg on his face is really an omelet.

Because even those jobs pale when compared to the stress, aggravation and sheer patience that Mothers exhibit every day.

A few years  ago, a Boston newspaper ran an ad for “The Toughest Job in the World.” Over 2 1/2 million people saw the ad. Only 27 people had the stamina and courage to apply for the job

It’s no wonder so few applicants applied. The requirements were a real killer.

Requirements for the Toughest Job in the World

  • Must be able to work 135+ hours a week, no breaks
  • Ph. D. in psychology or real-life equivalent
  • Crisis management skills a must
  • Proficiency handling sticky situations (literally and figuratively)
  • Able to work with associates with minimal ability
  • Breasts, preferably milk producing
  • Demonstrated knowledge and experience in negotiating, counseling and culinary arts
  • Unlimited patience
  • Understanding of medicine, finance, social media and video games
  • Valid driver’s license, CPR certification and Red Cross membership
  • Positive disposition at all times

And if that weren’t enough to scare you away, The Toughest Job in the World doesn’t even pay a salary. Nada. Nothing! Although three meals a day are included (as long as you cook them.)

If you haven’t guessed it yet, The Toughest Job in the World is a real Mother. No, really, it’s being a real mother, a job so tough and only women can handle it. Here’s some footage from people who applied for the job.

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If I forget to mention it, Happy Mother’s Day to Moms Everywhere, They’re America’s most valuable natural resource!

STAN: Hey, what’s goin’ on? I smell something funny here.
HARRIET: Something you stepped in?
STAN: No. No. It’s Goldman. The writer of this blog.
HARRIET: You mean Goldenberg?
STAN: Goldman. Goldenberg. Whatever. Goldbloom’s trying to scam his Readers.
HARRIET: How so?
STAN: He runs “The Toughest Job on the World” blog every Mother’s Day.
HARRIET: Well, that’s true, but when he blogged about three years, he only had 4,000 Readers. Now he has over 24,000. That’s a lot of new Readers
STAN: I know. And it’s all because of me.
HARRIET: Don’t flatter yourself, STAN. Don’t forget, you’re imaginary. Jack writes everything you say.
STAN: Yeah, right, and I suppose the Pope is Catholic.
HARRIET: Pretty much. Look, STAN, it’s true Jack runs this story every Mother’s Day, but he’s updated it so even die-hard Readers won’t mind. So please, just let Jack continue.
STAN: I will, it’s not like I always have to have the last word.
HARRIET: I know. (almost understandingly)
STAN: It’s not like I always have to have the last word.
HARRIET: Shush, quiet, Jack’s back
STAN: Last word.

Where was I? Oh yeah., I’m pretty sure my Mom is reading this 10 Minutes of Brilliance blog in Heaven. I doubt she’s in Hell or Pittsburgh, because Mom led a good life and was never very fond of those places. Anyway, I hope I’ve made her proud.

2. An Open Letter to Donald Trump from His Mother. Mother (Earth).

Dear President Trump:

You are stripping away regulations that will keep my air and water clean.
You have tried to take away health care for millions of my residents.
You are ignoring those who are already born., eliminating funding for programs that aid women and children.
You have threatened to despoil the beauty of my National Parks.

Mother Earth

ATT: Hey, President Trump. Protect the Environment. There is only one Earth. There is no Planet-B. Love, Your Mother

On Mother’s Day, think not just of your children and grandchildren, Mr. President, but of all children and grandchildren who deserve the right, no matter where they were born, or how wealthy they are, to breathe unpolluted air, drink clean water, be protected from dangerous chemicals, and enjoy the natural beauty of their world.
As you play golf at Mar-a-Lago this weekend and fret over the difficult job of being President, remember those who work hard to allow you your lavish lifestyle.
Please take care of me, and all those already living on earth.
I am the only Mother Earth you will ever have.

The above Open Letter appeared in the NY Times on Friday, May 12 as a full page ad.
To express your views, visit Keep Mother Earth Happy.

To make Mother Earth happy, copy this Open Letter to Donald Trump, print it out, sign your name and mail it to:
President Trump
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, DC 20500

Of course, he won’t read it. He doesn’t read. Perhaps Ivanka can read it to him, or even Jared, if he’s back from solving the Mid East crises

Or better yet, call the President at 202-456-1111.

Leave this message: President Trump. Mother Earth is not Happy.

NOTE: He will probably not answer the phone. He may be playing golf,  just destroying the environment or canceling healthcare for those who can least afford it. hey, he’s a bust mna. Who knew the Presidency would have been this taxing?

3. A Tribute to My Mom.  Who Had Three Wonderful Children. Oh yeah, and me.

A few years ago, I ran my Mother’s Day blog 2 weeks AFTER Mother’s Day. Boy, was my Mom upset. I felt her wrath all the way from Heaven. (I’m pretty sure she’s in Heaven, because she never liked Hell or Pittsburgh and sometimes couldn’t tell the two apart.

But true to the spirit of my Mom, she took the blame and apologized for my tardiness. She wrote,” PLEASE EXCUSE MY SON JACK FOR POSTING HIS MOTHER’S DAY BLOG TWO WEEKS LATE!

The she signed it, “JACK’S LATE MOTHER.”

My Mom always had a great sense of humor. She loved to pose in pictures with famous fictional characters. Here she is with one of the part-time employees from my Dad’s store who was prone to wearing red suits.

My Mom and Santa Claus. My Mom is the one on the left.

I owe my Mom a lot. Besides my giving me my twisted sense of humor, my Mom gave me a sense of wonderment and curiosity about the world. She also had a love of learning, and taught me about the responsibility to stand up for what’s right and call out what’s wrong. It got us both in a little trouble, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

We still have regular conversations, although they’re somewhat one-sided now. Come to think of it, they were one-sided back then! It was just a different person talking,

My Mom lived to be 93 and for most of those years she was full of life. She got her Masters Degree in her late 70s. In a wheel chair. I can’t imagine anything that would have stopped her from doing anything she wanted to do. It drove my Dad crazy.

STAN: Why is Goldberg going to go on and on about his mother?
HARRIET: Because this Sunday is Mother’s Day.
STAN: Well, I’m sick and tired of hearing all this cr*p about Mothers. Hey, did you see that? I tried to say the word cr*p, dam* it, but Goldberger bleeped it out! He really s**ks.
HARRIET: Well, this is a family blog, STAN. Now, let Jack finish. And try to remember you’re just an imaginary character Jack dreamed up. Or he’ll bleep out more than your off-color language.
STAN: Off color? It’s blue.
HARRIET: Exactly.

My Mom was also a bit of a rascal. Not a trouble maker, mind you, but someone who didn’t mind giving the world a little “oudgie” when it deserved it.

Here are a few stories that showcase my Mom’s desire to always keep the world on its toes.

Ever since I can remember, my Mom didn’t get along with her youngest brother, my Uncle Donald. She wasn’t hostile or mean to him. She often loaned him money to help him out of a jam. and he got in more jams than Smuckers. But my Mom did think her brother was lazy and stupid and she had no problem letting him and the world know it.

After my Mom graduated college (at 18), she became a substitute teacher. One day she had to substitute for a history class my Uncle Donald was in. She called on Donald throughout the class, embarrassing him again and again because he didn’t know any of the answers.

After class, my Mom wrote a note, sealed it in an envelope and told Donald to take it home to “his” Mother. If you’re following this story carefully, you’ll note my Mom and Uncle Donald had the same mother, a k a my grandmother.

When my grandmother read the note, she was so mad, Donald thought he saw steam coming out of her head. This may just be urban legend, or perhaps a tea kettle nearby. Hard to say.

The note to my grandma said, “Congratulations. Your son is an award winner. He is the dumbest person on the planet.”

Anyway, there was no signature on the note, so my grandma grabbed Donald by one of his big, flabby ears (oh no, wait , that was Dumbo) and she dragged him to school the next morning to search out and destroy whoever wrote that damming note about her son.

When she got to Donald’s class the next day, she saw her daughter, my Mom, standing at the front of the class.

“Bernice, did you write this note?” she asked.

“Which note?”my Mom said.

“The one that said ‘Congratulations. Your son is the dumbest person on the entire planet.‘”

“Why,” Mom said, “Do you have any other children you think would qualify?”

STAN: OK, not a bad story. Not as boring as most of Goldman’s stories. But I still don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about Mother’s Day?
HARRIET: Don’t you remember good things about your Mom?
STAN: (STAN MUMBLES SOMETHING INCOHERENTLY.) Fhdignet hobad mdtedh!
HARRIET: What? What did you say?
STAN: Fhdignet hobad mothar! (AGAIN, STAN MUMBLES HIS WORDS SO THEY CAN’T BE UNDERSTOOD.)
HARRIET: You said “you didn’t have a mother?” Of course not , Stan. That’s what I’ve been telling you. You’re not real. You’re just something Jack dreamt up to make the blog more interesting,

NOW STAN’S FEELINGS WERE REALLY HURT. IT WAS BAD ENOUGH TO NEVER HAVE HAD A MOTHER, BUT NOW HARRIET CONVINCED STAN HE WAS JUST A CHARACTER INVENTED TO MAKE 10 MINUTES OF BRILLIANCE MORE INTERESTING.

STAN: That’s it, Harriet! I’m outta here! I QUIT! I want off the blog. It’s obvious I’m not important to anyone here.
HARRIET: No, Stan, no. You’ve got it all wrong. You’re very important to Jack. He never writes a blog without you. To Jack, you’re practically his leading man. His hero. In fact, Stan, Jack thinks “You’re the Tops.”

WITH THAT COMMENT, HARRIET BREAKS INTO SONG, SINGING COLE PORTER’S HIT, YOU’RE THE TOPS (If you know it, Sing a few bars to yourself, then read on.)

HARRIET: Wasn’t that a touching story, Stan? You know, a mother’s love for her children is the strongest force in the Universe. It’s stronger than Hate, Greed or Power!
STAN: I guess so. But I still don’t see how it relates to me. I’ve never even had a Mother.
HARRIET: Well, you might have one one day, Stan, you never know. Maybe Jack will write your Mother into this blog.
STAN: Never happen, Harriet. Never in a million years.
HARRIET: We’ll see, you never know. (HARRIET WINKS AT YOU READERS, LETTING YOU IN ON HER LITTLE SECRET.)

 

My Mom around 1950, with two of my three sisters, in some Leave it to Beaver type neighborhood. The little bugger in the baby carriage is me. It’s difficult to see, but I had a pen and paper in my buggy. I was working on my first blog.

Funny Story #2 about my Mom

When my middle sister, we’ll call her Rainy, because that’s her name, was 7 years old, she tried to climb out of her crib and got her leg stuck in the slats. Rainy screamed for help and my Mom came running. “Don’t worry, Rainy, I’ll get you out.” With that, my Mom ran out of the room. A minute later she returned with Old Joe, a neighborhood handyman. Old Joe was carrying a big rusty saw.

My sister Rainy screamed, ” Mom. Mom. What’s he gonna do Mom? He’s not going to cut off my leg, is he?”

My Mom replied, “Well you don’t think I was going to ruin a perfectly good crib, do you?”

My Mom, the Roller Blader. She wasn’t really Roller Blading. My sister was at a park, saw my Mom near a Roller Blade outfit and it didn’t take much to convince her to put it on.

My Mom: Funny Story #3

My oldest sister, JoAnn, had an engagement party in New York at my brother-in-law-to be’s apartment. Both families were equally represented and it was the first time anyone other than my sister and my soon-to-be brother-in-law ever had both families in the same room.. Throughout diner, my sister’s in-laws bragged about this book and that book..And this author and that author. This went on all evening, hardly giving anyone else a chance to talk.

Now, my Mom was an avid reader, but she didn’t feel she had to brag about it. Finally, during dessert, my Mom had a chance to speak. Rosalie, my brother-in-law to be’s mother asked my Mom, “Do you like to read,” asking it as if she were talking to some country bumpkin!

“No, Rosalie,” my Mom answered, “we don’t really read books in Baltimore. But we sure like to f*ck.”

Of course, my Mom, forgetting her manners for a moment, didn’t use any asterisks to express how she was feeling. My Mom was quite a character.

 

4. What Not to Buy Your Mom for Mother’s Day 2017

As my regular Readers (all 24,000 of them) know, I love to uncover brilliance–especially in marketing. It’s not easy to create something brilliant and stand out from the clutter that’s narrowcast into our eyes, ears and minds every day. The Mother’s Day 2017 campaign from the Peruvian store Oeschle does just that. It takes a stand against buying your Mom a thoughtless gift–something she doesn’t want or need

Peru’s largest retailer has raised the prices of everyday items you shouldn’t buy for your Mom. The price for a bathroom scales has been raised from $59 to$8,572. An iron is “ON SALE’ for $8,799. Ans plastic flowers are being offered for $5,672–all in an effort to get you NOT to buy them.
Click on the video so your don’t insult your Mom this year.

CREDIT: Oechsle – Mom doesn’t want it from Yoshi Ishikawa on Vimeo.

 

Darfuri women spend the greater part of their existence trying to feed their families.

5. Mother’s Day In Theory

Now that you know what not to buy your Mom, here’s what you should buy her: Anything she wants. Something very special.

Do you know what your Mom’s favorite thing is? Or at least something she really likes? Buy it for her even if she says, “Oh I don’t need anything. All I need is your Love.” She’s right about that. LOVE is more valuable than any material gift. But even still, honor your Mom with a gift she’d appreciate.

As longtime Readers of this blog know, I’ve been forbidden from ever mentioning the name of the Love of My Life (my wife) and her offspring (my daughter) on my blog. They don’t read it. And they want to stay out of it.

But since I know there’s little or no chance they’ll be reading this Mother’s Day blog, it’s safe to tell you want I got my wife for Mother’s Day.

Theory. That’s what I got her. No, I didn’t get her a theoretical gift, I bought her two pants, a jacket and a sweater from the well-known upscale clothing line Theory.

Theory garment bag

No, this wasn’t the gift. Just the garment bag it came in.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I must make a lot of money writing this blog if I can afford an upscale clothing line like Theory. Well that’s true, partially. I do make a small fortune writing 10 Minutes of Brilliance. But fortunately, I bought Margaret (Wait. Forget I mentioned the name Margaret)… Fortunately, I bought my unnamed wife a few outfits from Theory’s Outlet store in Woodbury Common Premium Mall.

Here’s what I got “Sir” ( A cute affectionate nickname I have Marg,.. er,  my wife) for Mother’s Day.

Theory clothing

Sorry, Theory, I’m a Copywriter, not a Photographer. Rest assured they will look great on the woman who shall go unnamed. Happy Mother’s Day, unidentified lady.

I know it’ll look great on her because Theory always does.

Now, back to our program.

Before reading the next post, please turn out the lights and hide, so we can surprise STAN.

6. STAN Meet His Maker. The notorious STAN meet his Mother for the first time. Again!

ALL OF A SUDDEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE BLOG DOOR.

SFX: Knock. Knock.
STAN: Is this a knock knock joke?
HARRIET: No, I think someone’s at the door.

STAN: I didn’t know blogs have doors!
HARRIET: Shut up, STAN, give Jack some creative license here. Will you just see who’s there??
SFX: Sound of a door opening
STAN: Yes, how can I help you?
STAN’S MOM: STAN.
STAN: Yes?

STAN HAS NO IDEA THAT THE WOMAN STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM IS HIS MOTHER!

STAN’S MOM: Don’t you recognize me, son?
STAN: Should I?
STAN’S MOM: STAN, I’m your Mother.
STAN: Right! Look lady, I don’t have a Mother.
STAN’S MOM: You do now! Jack just wrote me into the blog.

STAN’S MOUTH DROPS OPEN. HE CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HE IS HEARING.

STAN: Are, are you sure you’re my Mom? My real Mom? (THE WORDS ALMOST GET CAUGHT IN STAN’S IMAGINARY THROAT.)
STAN’S MOM: Of course, STAN, I ought to know my own son, shouldn’t I?
STAN: B-but, how are you so sure?
STAN’S MOM: Your favorite food is steak. You hate asparagus and Lima Beans. And the only time you drink beer is when you’re having hard shell crabs.
STAN: Hard shell crabs?
STAN’S MOM: Yes, with Old Bay.
STAN: How do you know all that?
STAN’S MOM: I’m your Mother, STAN. Of course, I know everything about you. It’s in my job description. Look, if you don’t believe me, just look over here to the right.
STAN’S MOM POINTS TO THE LEFT SIDE OF THE BLOG, WHERE JACK HAS CLEARLY IDENTIFIED THIS NEW WOMAN IN STAN’S LIFE AS HIS MOTHER.

STAN: It’s true! You are my Mom! God, this is the happiest day in my blog life.
STAN’S MOM: STAN, how come you didn’t send me a Mother’s Day card? No card. No chocolates. No roses, No phone call. And when was the last time you cleaned up your room, Little Stanley? Or took a bath? Or ate your broccoli? Or visited your grandmother?

STAN IS ALL SMILES.
STAN: Listen to her. She’s only been my Mom for five minutes, and already she’s driving me crazy.
STAN’S MOM: I love you, STAN.
STAN: I love you too….Mom.

And now we pause for a moment of peace and wisdom!

“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep.
Like my grandfather did.
Not screaming my head off like the passengers in his car.

OK, Goys and Birls, that’s it for today. Thanks for stopping by and for staying til the end. It’s because of Brilliant Readers like you that we now have over 24,000 subscribers. Stay tuned for a very special blog, soon. The next time I get another Brilliant Idea!

This is your bloggist, er, blogger, oh, what the Hell, it’s me saying goodbye. Good night. And drive safely.

And Now a few words from our sponsor, Me.

If you actually got to the end of the blog, then thank you so much. You’re obviously a homicidal maniac or a very loyal follower. But of you could do me one more favor and LIKE the blog  and send it to your Mon. Sure, she’ll fall asleep reading it, but who cares?

And while you’re at it, tell your  Mom I said hi.

CREDITS: I get by with a little help from my friends

Special thanks to two friends who are always there for me. Graphic Designer Extraordinaire Ian Tremaine who contributed Sean Spicer wearing a little egg on his face. He is my friend, confidant and partner  (professional only, of course) and I am lucky to use his many talents on all things graphic. Next tim, I’ll salute other incredible Graphic dsigners who I am lucky enough to work with,

Also, thanks to Michael Yublosky who helps me with SEO. In addition, Michael is a much sought-after Linked-In guru.

That’s all for today, Readers, I appreciate your stopping by and staying for the long hall. Come back next time, whenever that is, when we will reveal The Top 10 Reasons Donald Trump Would Make A Terrible Advertising Copywriter.

Happy Birthday Earth Day, from the Former Head of the Earth

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The True History of Earth Day and International Earth Day.

This Saturday, April 22, the Earth will be 4.543 billion years old (give or take a few eons). And Earth Day, the annual celebration honoring Mother Earth and all the humans, plants and animals who populate the 3rd planet from the Sun, will celebrate its 47th Birthday.

At first, I thought it might be cool to celebrate the Earth’s Birthday this Saturday. But once we put 4 1/2 billion candles on a cake for Mother Earth, we realized what flaming idiots we were.

This is not just a picture of our efforts to wish Mother Earth a Happy Birthday. It is also a fitting meme for what the Earth will experience once EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt ignores science and dismantles his own agency.

This is not just a picture of our efforts to wish Mother Earth a Happy Birthday. It is also an apt meme for what the Earth will experience once EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt ignores science and climate change and dismantles his own agency. That’s Pruitt wearing the dunce cap.

So, once cooler heads reigned, we decided it made more sense to wish Earth Day a Happy Birthday. And while I hate to brag (while I’m sleeping, anyway), there was no more appropriate person to authenticate that Happy Birthday wish to Earth Day participants than I. After all, I was once the Head of the Earth, I launched International Earth Day, and I can prove it!

“What?” you say. “That’s impossible!” You doubt there ever was a Head of the Earth! Well, it’s true.

As longtime Readers of my blog will attest,  every year I explain how I was actually the Head of the Earth in 1972. I’m not claiming to have originated Earth Day. The initial celebration of the environment and planet Earth began in 1970, two years before I launched International Earth Day.

The idea for a national day to focus on the environment came to Earth Day founder Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, after witnessing the ravages of the 1969 massive oil spill in Santa Barbara, California. Inspired by the student anti-war movement, he realized that if he could infuse that energy with an emerging public consciousness about air and water pollution, it would force environmental protection onto the national political agenda. So on April 22, 1970, he launched Earth Day.

STAN: Did you see that?
HARRIET: See what?
STAN: That entire last paragraph, the one right above us. Goldman, the blogger, stole it from Wikipedia.
HARRIET: First of all Stan, the originator of this blog’s name is Goldenberg, Jack Goldenberg.
STAN: Yeah, whatever.
HARRIET: And Jack didn’t steal it from Wikipedia. He “borrowed” it from a different web site, The History of Earth Day. And there’s no harm in that. After all, Jack is a Copy-Writer!
HARRIET: But look, Stan, I’ve warned you time and again not to say terrible things about Jack. After all, you’re imaginary and Jack writes everything you say. Let him continue. Or he’s liable to kick us both off the blog. Then, the only place that’ll hire us will be The O’Reilley Factor on Fox News.
STAN: Didn’t they just just shut down?
HARRIET: Now you’re catching on!

Sorry, Readers. Where was I? Oh yeah, by 1972, two years after the original Earth Day, interest in helping the environment started to wain. So I had business cards printed that gave me the title, Head of the Earth, and I launched International Earth Day.

Wait, I see one of my Readers has his hand raised. Yes?

GEN Z READER #1: Question. What’s a business card?
ME: It’s a card that announces to a person you meet, your name, title, company, and other contact information.
GEN Z READER #2: So it announces that stuff electronically?
ME: Oh, no. On paper.
GEN Z READER #3: What’s paper?
ME: Thin slices of non-digital material manufactured from the pulp of wood or other fibrous substances.

I looked around the blog to see if anyone else had any more questions. But by then, everyone’s heads were buried back in their smart phones. (Not bad, I thought to myself. I had their attention for almost 3 seconds.) Then I saw one of my Readers reluctantly raise his hand.

BABY BOOMER: I have a question, too.
ME: Did you want to know what Gen Z is?
BABY BOOMER: No, I wanted to know what time dinner is and where’s the men’s room?
ME: Sorry, there are no rest rooms on blogs.
BABY BOOMER: And dinner?
ME: Four PM.
BABY BOOMER: Half price?
ME: Yes.
BABY BOOMER: Cool.

As I was saying, by 1972 many people were already getting tired of hearing about the environment. But I figured we still had a lot to do to tidy up the planet. So, I did the only thing a sane, sensible and caring person would do. I appointed myself Head of the Earth and announced my title and the launch of International Earth Day to the press.

You might question who gave me the authority to become Head of the Earth. Well, the position was open. And there were no other applicants. Besides, I was young and figured it would look great on my resume.

Next I carefully studied the field to learn all I could about the Earth, endangered species, plant life, pollution, green marketing, carbon cycles, population control, water and energy conservation, recycling and the myriad efforts needed to Save Our Planet.

An hour later, I started to work on business cards and stationery for my new company, Earthday.

 

Earth Day Stationary

Here is my Earthday stationary. I used it to tell the media and the world what they could do to save planet Earth. Notice the logo in the right hand corner. Can you spot the faces in the trees?

While I joke about my accomplishments now, in 1972, I was serious about helping Mother Earth. I produced ads and got local papers to run them FREE as a public service. One of my favorite ads was “The Earth is a Mother.”

I got radio stations across the country to tell listeners “The 100 Things You Can Do to Save Planet Earth.” I convinced governors to announce Earth Day proclamations, citizen groups to hold Earth Day Awareness Rallies and I even got The Today Show to interview an expert on the continued importance of the environment.

I told them all, “Hey, I’m Head of the Earth. You breathe the air. We need your help.”

My Earthday stationary was on recycled paper, so they must have figured I was for real. My biggest accomplishment was getting the support of the United Nations. Imagine getting the UN to do anything today! I remember my first phone call from someone who worked in PR at the U.N. It went something like this:

“This is Whitman Bassow. I’m in Communications at the United Nations?”
“Yes, how can I help you?” I said.
“I understand you’re running an environmental campaign for the planet and that you’re the Head of the Earth,” he said.
“Yes. Both those statements are true.”
“Well, if you’re Head of the Earth, I think we should meet,” Mr. Bassow said, laughing a little, with me, not at me. “How soon can you come by?”

I can understand why you might not believe this actually happened. But I still have the permission letter from the U.N. to prove it.

 

Letter iof permission from the UN

In the entire history of the United Nations, there was only one person there with a sense of humor. Somehow, he got UN to support me.

The U.N. gave me their full support. They gave me permission to use the U.N. name, logo and slogan from their “Only One Earth” Conference on my “Tickets of Admission to the Earth.” I wanted to charge people for coming to the Earth on Earth Day. A dollar for adults. 50¢ for children 12 and under.

As I saw it, while it wasn’t mandatory to have an Earth Ticket to show up on Earth on April 22, 1972, but it sure would be a nice gesture. And a cool way to donate to important environmental causes like Friends of the Earth. Friends of the Animals and The Wilderness Society.

Was my campaign for International Earth Day successful? Well, yes and no. The Earth is still here and the once-a-year fervor to care for Mother Earth has been institutionalized, commercialized and co-opted by big business all over the world. And that’s a good thing. But it’s a shame the Environmental Protect Agency is doing all it can to ignore planet Earth and accelerate climate change, rather than offering an all-important defense against it.

Still, activists all of the world will celebrate Earth Day tomorrow on Saturday, April 22, not because of what I did, but because of what Gaylord Nelson did when he launched the original Earth Day.

Follow the 6 R’s on Earth Day and Every Day: Reduce, Recycle. Restore. Reduce. Replenish. And #Resist.

As the former Head of the Earth, the least I can do is bring the Happy Birthday Earth Day cake.

Happy Birthday Earth Day cake

Earthlings: Have a piece of Happy Birthday Earth Day cake, then let’s play Pin the Tail on the EPA

The Happy Birthday Earth Day cake is a reminder to protagonists and Earth lovers everywhere to Follow the 6 “R’s”: Reduce. Recycle. Reuse. Restore. And Replenish. Five of the 6 R’s are on the cake. I’ll add the 6th R, #Resist, and remind the US Government and the EPA that where the Earth is concerned, “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too!” After all, the Earth is a mother. And so is Scott Pruitt, just not in the same way.

A few years later, I wanted to proclaim myself “Master of the Universe.” But some damn toy company beat me to it.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. If you enjoyed today’s blog, learned something, laughed a little and are motivated to do something, anything for planet Earth, I hope you’ll sign up to receive my sometimes monthly blogs (see the top right on the blog’s Home Page) Next time, we’ll be blogging about the single best place to visit this summer, how to buy a new TV and any other brilliant ideas or stories that come to mind.

Quote of the Day: “Champions Adjust.” Andy Karl

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You can’t see the cast he’s wearing. You can’t imagine the pain he must be experiencing. But when Andy Karl went onstage opening night as the lead actor in the new Broadway soon-to-be smash musical, “Groundhog Day,” he was wearing a painful cast.

The movie that mastered the repeat performance, Groundhog Day, is now a hit Broadway musical.

The movie that mastered the repeat performance, Groundhog Day, is now a hit Broadway musical

Seventy two hours earlier, Andy Karl tore his anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and doctors thought he might never walk again. But with true “the show must go on” mentality, his knee was drained (ouch), he underwent some excruciating physical therapy (more pain), he got a shot of cortisone, and he performed hours of re-rehearsal. Then, Monday night, opening night, Andy Karl gave the comeback performance of his lifetime.

Andy Karl in nthe musical Groundhog Day.

Andy Karl carefully trots out on stage (carefully) to thunderous applause from the audience and cast. I guess after the show, they’ll have a cast party.

After the curtain call and standing ovation, Karl thrust his hands triumphantly in the air and with only two words described how he snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. “Champions adjust,” he yelled over the applause of an astonished and appreciative theater crowd.

Although the line “Champions adjust,”  was originally ascribed to tennis pro Billie Jean King, both professionals join a long line of “failures” who refused to accept defeat as something permanent. Abe Lincoln lost 8 elections. Stephen King submitted Carrie to 30 publishers. Walt Disney was fired as a newspaper editor because he was told he, “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” Baltimore Colts Hall of Fame quarterback Johnny Unitas was turned down by several pro teams by scouts and coaches who agreed, “You’re too scrawny to make it in the big leagues.”

STAN: See, Harriet, there is hope for me. I’ve failed at just about everything. I’ve had eleven marriages. More than 5 failed businesses. Been fired more times than I can remember. I’m a lousy father. Untrustable friend. I’m not honest. I don’t “pay it forward.” I’m not a nice guy. And to top it all off, I’m forced to appear on this crummy blog. But one day, I know I’ll be a star.
HARRIET: I hate to burst your bubble, Stan, but there is no hope for you. You’re destined to remain a total failure for the rest of your life.
STAN: Hah! Just as I suspected. I knew I could succeed at something!

The bottom line for you, my Readers is that if you find yourself on the floor, at the seeming end of your patience, about to give up because you believe all hope is gone, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to what you were trying to accomplish.

After all, champions adjust.

That’s all for today, my loyal 20,000 Readers. If you’re a current Reader, you’ll be invited back on Friday when we present our annual tribute to Earth Day from none other than the former Head of the Earth. If this is your first time here…

STAN: …Get out as out as quick as you can, folks! Scram! And never look back. Goldberg..
HARRIET: His name is Goldenberg, Stan. Jack Goldenberg.
STAN: Whatever. My advice remains. There is only redeeming thing on this blog and that is me, STAN the MAN. Goldman is a boring and useless writer. And he never shuts up. This blog wouldn’t have anywhere near 20,000 Readers if it weren’t for my good looks and suave style.
HARRIET: All right, Stan, that’s quite enough. You seem to forget that you’re imaginary and Jack writes everything you say.
STAN: Fake news, Harriet. Fake news!

Where was I? Oh yeah, if this is your first time reading 10 Minutes of Business, sign up at the top of the blog to get notified every time we have another brilliant though. Usually just about once a month.

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HARRIET: It’s over now.  Jack’s blog is done for today. So, say Goodnight, Stan.
STAN: Goodnight, Stan
HARRIET: You know what, Stan? You’re a freakin’ moron!
STAN: Don’t try to warm up to me, Harriet. We’re still not having sex!
HARRIET: You can say that again.
STAN: I’m not falling for that one!