Happy New Year, Readers! Here are 10 Resolutions I Made for You!

Happy New Year to my Readers Everywhere. Here are 10 New Year’s Resolutions I made. For You!

 

Of course, we celebrated Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, in the traditional way:

Matzah ball

We stayed up until sundown and watched them drop the Giant Matzah Ball at the Fountainbleau Hotel in Miami Beach (where else?).

 

Shecky Greene

Then we danced to the music of the Shecky Greene Orchestra led by Ryan Seecrest. (Dick Clark was a no show. Again!)

 

10 PM

We partied well into the night. Some of us stayed until 10 PM!

 

But what’s a New Year without New Year’s resolutions. And I made mine for you, my Readers of 10 Minutes of Brilliance!

 

Here are 10 Things You Can Do to Make 5777 a Year to Remember:

 

1. Hand a photo to a stranger on a crowded elevator. Get out at the next floor and whisper quietly, “It has to look like an accident.”

 

2. Go to McDonald’s drive-thru. Order a Happy Meal with extra Happy.

 

3. Hire two private investigators. Have them tail each other.

 

4. Show someone on an elevator a box of Animal Crackers. Say, “I’d give you some, but it said, ‘Do not eat if seal is broken.”

 

5. Go to Target. Look for the sign that says “throw pillows.” You’ll know what to do.

 

6. Go to South Pole. Eat something disgusting. See if you can throw down.

 

7. Look at a see-through glass when someone is looking through the other side and shout, “Oh my God, I’m Hideous!”

 

8. Buy a parrot. Teach him to say, “Help! Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot.”

 

9. Party like it’s 3772.

 

10. Be a ghost writer for Halloween.

 

Happy New Year, Readers! I hope 5777 is a great year for you.  Jack

(Note: Some parts of this blog post are not original. But hey, I am a Copy Writer.)

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Posted in Proficient Copywriter by Jack Goldenberg. 2 Comments

Oh No The Animals Are Taking Selfies and Pokémon Go Will Change Your Life

Now with 30% more pictures for the Hard of Reading

Today’s Blog will cover:
1. It Happened in New York
2. Animals are Taking their Own Selfies!

3. 10 Random Thoughts from Steven Wright
4. Best Idea of the Week
5. Pokémon Go Will Change Your Life
6. Real Magic!
7. Package Delivery When No One Is Home
8. WARNING! You have been kicked off my blog!

HARRIET: Stan, what have you done?
STAN: What? I just published 10 Minutes of Brilliance. That’s all!
HARRIET: You published the blog without Jack?
STAN: Jack. Schmack. Who gives a damn about Jack the Hack?
HARRIET: Well, his 20,000 Readers, for one thing.
STAN: Look, Goldman doesn’t give a damn about his Readers. It’s been two months since Goldfarb posted his last blog.
HARRIET: Well, he did have a family emergency. And for God’s sake, Stan, get his name right. It’s Goldenberg! Jack Goldenberg. Not Goldman! Not Goldfarb! The least you can do is remember the name of the man who created you.
STAN: Don’t start giving me that cra*p again, Harriet. I’m real and Goldenowitz is imaginary. He’s not only imaginary, he’s full of sh*t. Hey what gives? Every time I try to use swear word, asterisks appear.
HARRIET: Oh, Jack doesn’t like it when you curse.
STAN: F**k Harriet. That su*ks! Damn, he did it again!
HARRIET: Look, Stan, you might as well be nice to Jack. It’s not like you can get a job on another blog. You’re just an imaginary character.
STAN: I’m not afraid of Goldbaum. Why, if he were here right now I’d tell him who’s boss!

SFX: A DOOR OPENS. THEN FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD. THEY GET LOUDER AND LOUDER.

STAN: Hey, what’s that noise?
HARRIET: Sounds like Jack’s here.
STAN: Quick, Harriet. Let’s scram?
HARRIET: Jeez, Stan. Sometimes you’re a complete coward!
STAN: So, you think I’m complete, huh. I knew you liked me. Hey, you wanna go to an imaginary motel and have imaginary sex.?
HARRIET: Just keep imagining it, Stan. Just keep imagining.

Hey, Readers, sorry I’m late. About 2 months late, to be exact. I had some things I had to take care of. Well, let’s get right into today’s blog.

It Happened in New York

So this man gets up in the morning and says to himself, “Today’s the day. I’ll put on a really wacko outfit and be the weirdest dressed person on my subway car!”

Let’s see, what should I wear? Leopard print bikini top? Check.  Red and white polka dot shorty shorts? Got ’em. Assorted bracelets? Yup, that should do it! Now I’ll definitely be the weirdest dressed person on my subway car!”

weirdest

Not so fast, bikini clad, leopard print top-wearing man on a NY subway car. Believe it or not, you were NOT the weirdest dressed person on my subway car on a recent morning!

At the next stop, this guy in a head-to-toe purple, pink, green and black skintight jumpsuit got on and sat down.

weird person

WINNER: Weirdest person on my subway car! Of course, the woman next to him just kept on reading. She never even looked up. Why should she? She’s  a New Yorker. She’s seen it all before

Who knew my favorite billboard would be from a funeral home?

Weird billboard

Apparently, this funeral home gets a lot of business by accident.

 

Oh, no! Animals Are Taking their Own Selfies!

I knew this would happen. It isn’t bad enough humans stretch out their arms, contort their bodies, then snap Selfies of themselves every chance they get.

Now animals have gotten into the act. Here are the Top 7 Animal Selfies.

Cat taking a selfie

This cat strikes a provocative “come hither” pose.

 

Gorilla smiling

Smile for the camera, Mrs. G.

 

Lion takes a selfie lying dow,

The King of the Jungle awaits his Queen.                                                               

A monkey takes a selfie whikle strutting his stuff.

Who’s this? Why, it’s the John Travolta Dancing Disco Monkey

 

Frogs strining a provocative pose

Again with the provocative poses. And did you you catch those frogs’ legs?

 

Kargaroo takes a provocative selfie.

With his shirt off, this kangaroo is definitely looking to hook up tonight. It’s as if he’s saying, What’s a nice girl like you doing in an Australian outback like this?

Squirrel taking a serfie of herself.

This is either a chipmunk or a squirrel. I’m not sure which. Wait. Let me try something, ” AL-VIN!  ………………………….. OK, it’s a squirrel!

10 Random Thoughts from Steven Wright

Steven WRight

Steven Wright is one of my favorite comedians. He’s always just a little off-center.

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
    looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
    later, by a bizarre coincidence, they were on their deathbeds next to each other in the
    same hospital,. One of them looked at the other and said, “So. What did you think?
  • I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
  • 42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.
  • I just installed a skylight in my apartment.  The people who live above me are furious.
  • I went to a hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
  • Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
    caught every other fish.

Best Idea of the Week: A FREE Public Fridge

 

Public fridge

A restaurant in Kochi, India put a “public fridge” on the street so homeless people can eat the leftover food that would otherwise be thrown away. The fridge is open 24/7 and anyone can access it. It’s so successful, regular patrons restock it with their own leftovers.

Pokémon Go Will Change Your Life

Humans are not very good at comprehending major changes in their lives. Take a seismic shift like the Industrial Revolution. In the 1700’s and 1800’s, Britain led the change from an agrarian, rural society to an industrial, urban one.

But it took quite a while for people to notice their world had changed. The term “Industrial Revolution” was finally popularized by the economic historian Alfred Toynbee 80 years after it was thought to have begun.

It’s difficult to notice change when you are in the middle of it. That’s why the automobile was called a “horseless carriage.” And TV was called “Radio Pictures.” It’s not just that people don’t notice paradigm changes. they don’t even have the words to define them.

Pokemon Go

Pokemon Go will change the world

Well, the world is once again in the middle of a historic change and yet almost no one seems to notice it. Yet, it’s happening right under our noses. Literally! On our smartphones.

What is the event that’s propelling us into the future? It’s the fun, yet addictive game called Pokémon Go.

Pokémon Go is a mobile game that combines augmented reality (AR) with location-based services. Players get points for capturing virtual Pokémons that are superimposed on the scenes players see in front of them on their smartphones.

Pokémon Go will change the world. Here’s how.

Now, it’s not the game itself that will change the world. A year from now it won’t matter a hill of beans whether you were able to capture Bulbasaurs or Jigglypuffs, two Pokémon characters. But what does matter is that with over 90 million people downloading the Pokémon Go app, Augmented Reality  has finally hit mainstream.

Augmented Reality (AR) overlays digital information on the real world.

Entrepreneurs and companies have been trying for years to create Augmented Reality games and products that would catch on with the public. Since Pokémon Go was so successful, it will exponentially multiply future successes with Augmented Reality in game non-game situations and products.

Augmented Reality has been used sporadically. Surgeons have used AR to perform minimally invasive spinal surgery. When a surgeon puts on AR glasses, it allows him to project a patient’s CT scan right on the patient’s skin. The CT scan reveals anatomic details of internal organs, enabling the surgeon to perform a much less complicated, less invasive  and more effective surgery.

The consumer success of Pokémon Go will encourage other industries to create AR products that will enhance and improve lives and human performance. In the future, AR will be used for authentication to tell whether a product is real or fake. There are counterfeits in nearly everything we buy from pharmaceutical drugs to designer apparel to olive oil.

How does AR enable consumers to tell real products from fake ones? I have no idea. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out television.

Here are some examples of how Augmented Reality is invading many aspects of our daily life:

Buying a New Home or Apartment Hunting

With Augmented Reality, you can visit your new home without leaving your old one.

Why traipse all over town when you can get a realistic appreaciation for what a new residence looks like right from your own home? This software, Autodesk Showcase 2014 , can be used by architects, engineers, designers, and marketing professionals. 3D CAD models can be quickly transformed into interactive walk-throughs and presentations.

Make Books Come Alive

The Guinness Book of World Records app used Augmented Reality to make a two dimensional book about world records come alive in 3-D.

The Guinness Book of World Records app used Augmented Reality to make a two dimensional book about world records come alive in 3-D.

Try It Before You Buy It!

The TryLive.com website allows users to try on glasses, jewelry, shoes, clothes, and allows users to customize their home as well. This is an awesome way to shop online. Now you can try things on before buying them using Augmented Reality.

The TryLive.com website allows users to try on glasses, jewelry, shoes, clothes, and allows users to customize their home as well. This is an awesome way to shop online. Now you can try things on before buying them.

 

Waiting for a Bus Can Become an Adventure

Advertisers like Pepsi Max can turn a mundane chore like waiting for a bus the highlight adventure of your day. (Hey, Baby Boomers! Click on the arrow in the middle of the above scene to play the Pepsi video)

Real Magic!

I love and hate magic for the same reason. I can’t figure it out. I know there’s a trick involved, slight of hand, a trap door, whatever. But how it’s accomplished just baffles me.

Until now!

Magician Hans Klok performs the same amazing trick, well, the same kind of trick, 15 times in a 5 minute span. He continually makes his crew disappear and re-appear with just the wave of a cape. After watching this video five times, I’ve finally figured out how he does it.

It’s magic! There can be no other explanation!

Watch Hans Klock “15 Grand illusions in 5 Minutes and you’ll agree, magic, possibly aided by trap doors, is the only answer.

Package Delivery When No One Is Home

Sometimes, it’s great having a blog. You can complain about people, products, companies, politicians or your favorite sports team and, in the context of telling a story, you won’t be branded as a whining complainer.

STAN: Oh, here he goes with his whiny complaining.
HARRIET: Yes, but he will deceptively weave it into his story. Pure genius, really.

With more and more people shopping on the Internet and opting for home delivery, getting your purchases in your home when you’re not there has always been a problem. UPS and FedEx deliver packages to you door. The U.S. Post Office puts packages by your garage door so you run over them when you back out of your garage.

HARRIET: OK, so maybe Jack wasn’t so subtle.

There’s a exciting new home delivery solution that may, once and for all, solve the problem of how you can packages delivered to your home when you’re not even there. It is being tested in Sweden by a Scandinavian courier company, PostNord, and the supermarket chain ICA. They’re testing what has proved to be the most critical product handled by home delivery, delivering fresh produce and frozen foods when no one is home.

Home delivery of proceries

Scandinavian Courier company PostNord delivers groceries INSIDE your house. (Just asking. Is he wearing ballet slippers when making a home delivery? )

This pioneering delivery service relies on homeowners to  install a new add-on lock to their front door. Delivery people from PostNord can open the lock with a special app on their smartphone. And homeowners can control who comes into their house and when.

If it works without any major hitches, it will solve a vexing problem faced by Amazon.com and many other retailers–how to safely get packages inside your home, especially products that are fresh or expensive!

So far, homeowners, who let their nannies and cleaning people into their homes by giving them a spare key, view the solution as a controllable risk. If the 20-home test works in Sweden it will be expanded to a much broader area. And no doubt American companies will then begin to test the system here at home.

Ding-dong. Avon calling. Don’t get up. I’ll let myself in.

WARNING! This may be the very last time you will read this blog!

Unless you subscribe at the top of this blog , You may never read 10 Minutes of Brilliance Again!

Unless you subscribe at the top of this blog, you may never read 10 Minutes of Brilliance again!

Whether this is your first time reading 10 Minutes of Brilliance or you’ve been a subscriber since 2010 when I posted my first blog, you probably know I like to shake things up a bit. Well, this time I may have gone too far!

I have just kicked all 20,000 subscribers off my blog. Including you. (Sorry. It’s nothing personal.) I love writing 10 Minutes of Brilliance and I know a lot of my Readers appreciate my take on marketing, happiness, metaphysics, pop culture and even obituaries of famous animated Pillsbury characters.

But I believe a number of my subscribers aren’t real people, they’re spam bots (short for robots) who didn’t have my or my Readers’ best interests at heart.

So I’ve kicked everyone off and I’m inviting my human Readers to keep reading “10 Minutes” by subscribing to my blog once again. Just type your email address in the Subscribe Box under my photo at the top of the blog. Then confirm your subscription when you receive an email from me.

I hope Readers like you will want to still receive my take on the Universe. If you’ll do that, I promise keep you entertained and informed to the best of not so humble ability. After all, where else can you read incisive stories like Liar! Liar! Republican Pants on Fire. Again, God Cancels End of World. Instead Holds Bikini Contest, or The Beatles & Moody Blues: Why You Are Here on Earth.

Or meet imaginary characters like STAN and HARRIET.

STAN: I am NOT imaginary. I’m as real as Donald Trump’s sincerity, empathy and intelligence.
HARRIETT: I rest my case.

Whether or not you join me again, thanks for taking the time to listen to what I had to say on 10 Minute of Brilliance, my Scream of Consciousness blog! It’s been a great ride! Hope you’ll stay tuned!

Jack

The Toughest Job in the World is a Real Mother! Happy Mother’s Day!

Today we’re going to cover a lot of ground, so fasten your seat belts.
1. We’ll start off with a description of “The Toughest Job in the World” and see a video of some of the 27 people crazy enough to apply for it. I’m warning you, this job is a real Mother!

2. Then, there’s a tribute to my Mom who I imagine is reading 10 Minutes of Brilliance in Heaven. I doubt she is in Hell or Pittsburgh, because she led a good life and was never very fond of either of those places.

3. Next is a piece about having a second Mother’s Day every year. I swear it’s not a Hallmark Card conspiracy. Some people think that might be a good idea, but I’m sure Jewish mothers would say, “What? You don’t love me the other 363 days?”

4. Then, there’s a piece about my hometown, Ballmer, Merlin (aka Baltimore, Maryland). People from Baltimore called themselves “BaltiMORONS!” That’s either just plain stupid or quite possibly “truth in packaging.”

5. Next, take a short 10 Minutes of Brilliance True or False Pop Quiz.

6. And finally, there are some wonderful ironic photos I thought you’d enjoy courtesy of my friend and former college roommate, Tony W. (Tony asked me not to use his entire name, so I said, “Tony Witlin, if that’s what you want, you’ve got it.) Tony found them online so I don’t know who to attribute them to.

EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE. I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING: Hey, Micheal Y from Buffalo Grove. Would you please take care of the copy at the end of the blog in the yellow box that says we have 11,000 subscribers? We have over 20,000 now. I don’t remember how to correct that. Thanks)

Read the rest of The Toughest Job in the World is a Real Mother! Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Earth Day Tomorrow from the Former Head of the Earth

I can’t believe how low I’ve fallen! I’m just a Copywriter! And yet, more than 40 years ago I was Head of the Earth.

“What,” you say, “that’s impossible!” You doubt I was Head of the Earth!

Well, it’s true. As the Readers of my blog, 10 Minutes of Brilliance know, I actually was the Head of the Earth. And it wasn’t just the business cards with my title that proved it. I even had the written backing of the United Nations.

Earth Day

The 36th Earth Day is Friday, April 22, 2016. It’s amazing that in 34 years, we still haven’t gotten it right.

Before I explain this further, would someone please tell Millennials, Echo Boomers and Generation Why what “business cards” were.

All right, no one ‘s going to explain it to them. Then I will.

Back in the day, my young friends, business cards were non-digital thin sheets of material manufactured from the pulp of wood or other fibrous substances creating an end product we called “paper.”

Long before texting, LinkedIn, What’s App or Facetime, business people printed their name, title and company on a “piece of paper” and then physically handed them to another person in a sort of ritual dance. The person on the receiving end then handed back his own title and company-identifying piece of paper.

STAN: There he goes again, Harriet. Goldman never seems to reach a conclusion. It’s already the 8th paragraph and he has yet to explain how he was Head of the Earth.

HARRIET: Give Jack time, Stan. Sure, he may take a circuitous route, but he always reaches his destination.

Where was I? Oh, hey, let’s go feed the animals!

Sorry, my ADHD just kicked in.

Now, I remember, in 1972, I formed a company called Earthday and I launched International Earth Day.

As far as I know, I was the first person to suggest that Earth Day should be an International event. One of my first public service ads was, “The Earth is a Mother!” Another was, “It’s your Planet. Keep it clean. There is no Plan-et B!”

Up front, I’m not claiming I came up with the idea for the first official Earth Day. U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson is credited with raising the environmental consciousness on Planet Earth.

The first Earth Day was held on April 22, 1970, and it was a huge success.

A year later, in 1971, an even more successful Earth Day was held, although not everyone who showed up on Earth that day attended the event.

The problem, as I saw it, was that by 1972 many people were already getting tired of hearing about the environment. They viewed the twin Earth Days as a “Been there, done That twice” kind of deal.

However, I didn’t want the cries of “OK, next subject” reverberating through the endangered wilderness. As I figured it, we still had a lot to do to tidy up the planet and put everything back where we found it.

So, I did the only thing a sane, sensible and caring person could do. I appointed myself Head of the Earth. I had business cards printed, stationary, the whole 43 million yards* (*circumference of the Earth x yards in a mile).

Earth Day logo

Here’s my Earthday logo. Can you see the two large faces in the Trees? Keep looking. Once you see them, you can’t not see them.

You might question who gave me the authority to become Head of the Earth. Well, the position was open. And there were no other applicants.

Besides, I was young and figured it would look great on my resume.

Next I carefully studied the field to learn all I could about the Earth, endangered species, plant life, pollution, green marketing, population control, water and energy conservation, recycling and the myriad efforts needed to Save Our Planet.

An hour later, I started to work on business cards and stationery for my new company, Earthday. While I joke about my accomplishments now, in 1972, I was serious about helping Mother Earth. (One of my favorite ads was “The Earth is a Mother.”
I got radio stations across the country to tell listeners about “The 100 Things You Can Do to Save Planet Earth.”

I convinced governors to announce Earth Day proclamations, citizen groups to hold Earth Day Awareness events and even got The Today Show to interview an expert on the continued importance of the environment.

I told them all, “Hey, I’m Head of the Earth, you breathe the air. We need your help.”

My stationary was on recycled paper, so they must have figured I was for real.

But my biggest accomplishment was getting the support of the United Nations. I remember my first phone call. It went something like this.

“Is this Whitman Bassow from the United Nations?”

“Yes, it is,” he said.

“I’m Jack Goldenberg, Head of the Earth. We need to talk.”

Without questioning my authority, Whitman Bassow laughed and said, “You’re Head of the Earth? Wonderful! When would you like to come by?

The UN gave me permission to use their logo on marketing maerial supporting Hillary.

The UN gave me permission to use their name and logo on marketing material supporting my “Tickets of Admission to the Earth” promotion.

I can understand why you might not believe that this actually happened. But I still have the letter from the U.N. from 1972 to prove it.
The U.N. gave me permission to use their name and logo and slogan from their “Only One Earth” Conference on my “Tickets of Admission to the Earth.”

I wanted to charge people for coming to the Earth on Earth Day. A dollar for adults and 50¢ for children 12 and under.

As I saw it, while it wasn’t mandatory to have an Earth Ticket to show up on Earth on April 22, 1972, but it sure would be a nice gesture. And also a cool way to donate to top environmental causes.

Was my campaign for International Earth Day successful? Well, yes and no. The Earth is still here and the once-a-year fervor to care for Mother Earth has been institutionalized, commercialized and co-opted by big business. And that’s a good thing.

A few years later I wanted to proclaim myself “Master of the Universe.” But some damn toy company beat me to it.

 

 

 

After being the Head of the Earth, the only toipmposition I aspured

After being the Head of the Earth, the only top position I was 1nterested in was being  of the Masters of the Universe. Unfortunately, that position was taken by some damn toy company!

Thanks for stopping by. To hire the only Head of the Earth Copywriter, send an email to: jackgoldenberg@mac.com

Jack